Fuck Valentine, Up His Crusty Asshole (An Oldie but a Goodie)

Folks,

Now before you guys go ballistic about how sad I am to be single on Valentine's day, I would like to tell you I am NOT. So shut the fuck up and go fuck yourselves, and your piece of shit girlfriends.

What the hell is wrong with us? Valentine's Day my ass. What the fuck is so special about a day that celebrates breeding?! And who the fuck started this shit? I googled it up, and the best thing about this day is, it could be completely made up, coinciding with other spring and fertility festivals. Who gives a shit? Why not just celebrate “Mars day” and start beating the shit out of everyone we see on that day?

So what happens on this day? Guys are supposed to spend shitloads of money on their girls, in “honour” of Hallmark (The company responsible for other monstrosities like “secretaries day”, “mother's day”, “fuck your cat up its nose day”..). Fuck, these guys aren't even trying!

Hallmark: (To Guys) Buy our shit and give it to your girlfriends today so she won't think you're an unromantic boor who can't follow mindless societal trends.

(To Girls): Lose all your principles, placing your happiness on a day we created so your cheapass boyfriends will buy our shit.

And we are stupid enough to fall for that. What the FUCK is wrong with us?

Conversation:

Idiot Dork: Hades! Woah, nice clothes.. going somewhere special today?

Hades: No. Going home to read

Idiot Dork: Not doing anything on Valentine's Day?

Hades: No. Couldn't give a shit.

Idiot Dork: Why? You don't celebrate it?

Hades: Why do you celebrate Valentine's day?

Idiot Dork: Oh to honour love and to show our boy/girlfriends we love them.

Hades: So does that mean that you only show your love to your partner on V'day? Sheesh... What are you dating? A cow?

Idiot Dork: No no.. We show our love everyday but today is extra special.

Hades: Why?

Idiot Dork: Because it's Valentine's Day

Hades: *Sigh* (WISH I had a broad sword. Circular logic is such a bitch). So you decide to be extra nice to your girlfriend on Feb 14 because someone thought that would be a good idea. Now if I said, tomorrow is “Mars Day” where you go beat the shit out of people randomly, you'll do it...

Idiot Dork: I am not disturbing you with my beliefs. If you want to not follow it don't! Why are you being so rude to me?

Hades: You started this shit. And besides, it's fun laughing at your stupid ass. Also, I like to think myself as a foul-mouthed social commentator, and I am just fulfilling that role.

I wonder why, really. If you really care about your partner why the hell would another day make a difference? What kind of message are you telling each other: “I love you enough to buy you a bunch of roses whose prices are artificially inflated in response to an artificially created association with a hitherto nondescript “holiday” that has been raped up the ass by corporations. The emotional bond we share thanks to Hallmark is so deep!”

Fuck, it's annoying. True, people can always say “hey it's my lookout whether I celebrate meaningless commercialised holidays or not”. True it's not my business, but damn, don't you guys think it's stupid?!

Religion has this same effect. Why do we believe in god? Dunno.. Just seems like it's the right thing to do. Why do we think there is a heaven and hell? Because everyone says there is. Human beings love to follow instructions without being told that they are being led on. Why else would we dedicate a day to celebrate everything from jerking off to selling a loved one on eBay? We now have “mother's day”, “father's day”, “molest a mammal using only eraser heads day” and any other day that card companies can squeeze your money out, media can keep you stupid, while you pop in another dozen pills in your mouth and convince yourself that “life is so meaningless” little aware of the way you're being led around from one meaningless event to another by your nose until you die a bitter cynic of society and culture (Or something like that)

A day of meaningless ritual affection, followed by ritual dinner at some schmancy restaurant a night of ritual sex, and this makes people feel that their lives are worth something. Fuck them.

I vote, since we are going to be like this, to set aside a day called “Mars Day” (The Planetary Society already has a Mars Day on August 27th, but fuck them, this is serious business here). On Mars day (named after Mars, the Roman god of war), everyone has a slugfest with any one person they absolutely HATE. I know we hate many people but we can pick only one. To make it more special, it can only be done in couples. If someone is someone else's Mars Date, He/she is off limits to other haters. They go out, exchange Mars Day Cards (details below), meet at the backyard of an “abandoned” building (they can either go dutch or one person pays). This “Abandoned” Building can be run by any of the top hotel chains and for different rates you get different equipment, from standard room with two-by-four to the deluxe steel factory with metal chains. Dinner will consist of nothing but whisky/tequila shots and hard drugs and then they'll have a go at each other, undistubed by the rest of humanity for the next two hours, after which the surcharges would start kicking in and the person still standing would pay. Surely everyone hates SOMEONE enough to care. Let us celebrate Mars Day on January the 11th. Hell we could have celebrity Mars Day events featuring George Bush and Saddam Hussein, or what about this? The next American President will be determined by hand to hand combat on Mars Day! It's much better than the current shit system they have there now, that makes elections in banana republics look free and fair. I would pay to watch that on Pay Per View, fuck.

Mars Day gifts would feature this enduring symbol of hatred worldwide (or at least the western world): The EXTENDED MIDDLE FINGER! (EMF for those acronym seekers)

Anyway, with globalization, this shit will spread from Africa to Ukraine. Imagine that, on Jan 11th, people walk around the street displaying this symbol of human history, showing everyone else around them the one aspect that they all share in common, regardless of race, language or religion: Anger and hatred (and stupidity, which is why there will be enough suckers to make this shit work). Show them the EMF!

Cards and posters can feature this symbol and instead of “Be My Valentine” the slogan for this day shall be simply “Bite Me”. People walking down the streets, extending the middle finger and shouting “BITE ME!” and it shall all be perfectly legal. Companies like Jack Daniel's and Smirnoff will make a killing on this day, along with Ikea and Handifix. Instead of diamonds from De Beers, give them a diamond edged saw from Handifix. Instead of champagne and chocolates, Jose Cuervo and PCP. Instead of a night of wild unprotected sex, a night of wild, beating the shit out of each other. Fuck, I can see this thing getting off. See you, next January.

Fuck, I am a business genius.