The Book of Exorcists

1. This is written in God's hand by his own servant and master, Hades.

2. Let it be known first of all, that these stories are purely fictional. Any fuckwad who starts quoting this shit like they quote Noah's Ark from the Bible is a fucking idiot. The creation story from the previous chapter too is purely allegorical. IF you didn't get that, go away and never come back. There is a special place in hell for you cockspits.

3. God has decided, in his somewhat infinite wisdom, to speak in stories because that is the only way to impart some home truths to people. People like that shit it seems, so here goes.

4. The first man and woman produced multitude of offspring, breeding like rabbits and generally running around naked. This is not a good thing because shaving had not been invented yet.

5. Eventually they settled down and formed villages, towns and cities.

6. God had great hopes of his new creation, especially since Man had chosen the greatest gift of all, the gift of logical thought (although man didn't seem too happy with it at that time).

7. He saw villages being built, agriculture invented and even some strides being made in primitive medicine, and was well pleased.

8. God thought, 'My work in this planet is done. This creation can take care of itself and the world it lives in'.

9. And God rested for a day, to prepare for the creation of an inhabited planet in the X57 galaxy.

10. As god slept, that prince of darkness, Satan walked about the earth fucking things up wholesale, as was written in the preliminary work, the Heathen's Bible (available at http://thewaronfaith.com).

11. The first thing Satan did, was corrupt the effects of the fruit of logical thought. He did this in a way most ingenious.

12. He preyed on man's greatest weakness, woman. Using his vast powers, he appeared in the dreams of man, and informed him that his purpose is not to better himself and the world, but to please woman, because after all, woman is the bearer of life and the giver of nookie!

13. How else can one explain the multibillion dollar shoe industry and Viagra?

14. Man's mind, which until now was like a well oiled machine, was now tainted with the 'ultimate problem'; Woman thinks you are inadequate and does not want to nookie with you.

15. Overnight, man became obsessed, and started using his awesome powers to invent needless knicknacks in the hope of attracting woman to his cave.

16. Thus was religion invented, as man tried to impress woman with 'spirituality', for isn't organised religion the work of the Deceiver?

17. Thus was horoscopes invented, as man tried to con woman into mating with him based on what the 'stars said', and along with this myriad other superstitions like Mike gives a shit about football games, and praying over the sick instead of taking them to a doctor, and finally the corruption of language and 'praying in tongues' that the fucking evangelistic christians seem to enjoy doing.

18. And sadly, thus arose the 'metrosexual male', the very embodiment of the primest of all prime evils of mankind, to make woman think that men and women are not that different.

19. God was fucking pissed off.

20. God thundered, 'Look at thee! One day you are inventing trigonometry and the next thou spendeth thirteen hours creating shiny rocks! How fucked up is that?!

21. 'Where is the drive to reach out to distant stars?! Where is the urge to create new tools to better your lives? What happened to your hope for living forever?! When the fuck did I ask thee to build places of worship for me?! I turn my back for one day and you fucketh up everything that was good and great in the world!'

22. God then cursed man. 'Thou shalt always have a love hate relationship with sex, while secretly wanting it thou shall denounce it as evil and base. Thou fucking morons.'

23. The people of the earth did run shit-scared because they had never seen Mike like this before. They cried out, 'But Lord! It is not our fault! The deceiver that is Satan conned us by coming in our dreams and causing our minds to turn that way! Forgive us O Lord!'

24. God then cried, 'Satan?!' 'Who the fucketh is Satan? Bring him to me!' but he was nowhere to be found!

25. God thundered out, 'Dost thou know who the fuck Satan is? It is merely the collective embodiment of all thy deepest fears, and now you doth show me that your greatest fear is woman! I thought you fucksticks could actually handle thy insecurities and emotions but the one fucking day I take a nap the shit hits the fan. So be it. Man shall always be a prey to his fears. From now on he shall never understand woman. And may she give thee hell every four weeks just to show thee who is indeed the boss around the house. Her every tiny desire shall be your greatest command.

26. 'Let there be Valentine's Day and let there be wedding dinners at the Hilton!'

27. Verily, for is it not said in the Bible, that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethelehem?

28. God then addressed the women. 'My children, you are still untainted by the insecurities of man, but you do not possess the gift I gave man. I cannot give you the same gift (I am powerful but not THAT powerful), so let me give you the gift of Memory. May you remember every fucking thing man ever does so you can dredge it up thirty or forty years later just to make him feel like shit every now and then. Trust me, this is a very useful gift to have. As a bonus I also give you Patience, which will allow thee to put up with the numerous times your man acts like an insufferable fuckstick. Rule man wisely'.

29. And there was much rejoicing amongst the womenfolk.

30 God then declared, 'What has happened is irreversible. Man shalt forever be tainted because he let his insecurities get the better of him. The future is going to be ugly. So be ready for some fucking bumps along your evolution.'

31. But God also added, 'I doth find your planet inhabitants cute, so every now and then I shall try to send someone down to teach you some shit so thou don't screw up too bad. Be nice to him/her okay? Don't make me come down and get medieval on thy hinies.'

32. And so it came to pass that mankind spent millenia after millenia generally breeding, and populating the planet. Men went about killing each other in the name of Mike and his friends, while Mike and his friends watched and shook their heads sadly. 'This is going to be a long day', they thought.

33. And God asked Hades, are you done with this book yet? I can see the world fucking up more and more with every passing day, and my finger on the galactic nuclear missile doth itch greatly.

34. Hades did look up to the Lord and say, 'Almost done. All it needs is a good finisher. Any ideas?'

35. 'Yes', quoth He. 'I shall leave with the following message. Thou shalt listen to the word of Hades from now on, as he shall speak his mind. He shalt speak for me, and I agree a priori with all his views because I am Mike and only Hades comes close to me in overall awesomeness and brilliance. How's that, kiddo?'

36. Hades replied, 'Not bad Mike. Not bad at all'

37. 'Oh and the next person who prays over a sick child instead of taking it to a fucking doctor is getting a lightning rod up his holier-than-thou behind. I am Mike and I have spoken'.