The Book of Genitals

And so God, aka Mike; aka the Father (not to be confused with a crazy despotic bastard who insists on micromanaging a tiny city-state despite being senile enough to piss AND shit himself on a regular basis and not realise it till three days later when all his houseplants have died); aka the Big Electron (TM George Carlin) in his somewhat infinite wisdom and nearly cosmic powers, dictates the new Wholly Babble to the latest of his chosen prophets, Hades who, as it was said once, proved himself worthy by ripping apart the fragile egos of 15 year olds and nearly curing AIDS. He lives in a tiny cubicle in a small tin-pot little country and hunts emos for sport.

This chapter in the book is not the work of Hades but the work of God. God himself speaks through Hades in the third person and sets the scene for what will arguably be the book that would change lives and even life as we know it. Think of it as a foreword if you will, because the rest of this damned book is Hades' own work, with occasional inputs from Mike (as god would like to be known). Before the book, a short introduction from Mike.

Greetings fuckies, this is God. You can call me Mike if you like. It's really up to you. I am channeling this chapter through my one true manservant, Hades who happens to be one of the few people on earth who are on first name terms with me at the moment. So if you're attending a place of worship and someone there says he speaks for me, or that I speak through a book, you're being conned. Punch him and leave. Through Hades I hope you all get to know me a bit better.

Just a few things before I speak to you all more formally.
1> I do not answer prayers. I have far better things to do with my time.
2> I do not turn up on coffee spills, nor do I make statues weep.
3> I do not appreciate being force-fed with milk.
4> I don't really give a shit whether you accept Jesus, Allah or Krishna as your personal lord and saviour.
5> It is time you all started accepting Hades as your saviour. Details to follow.
6> Most importantly, I do not have any special love towards you. I have no chosen people, I love and hate you all equally. I do however have a special spot of hatred for people who are willingly stupid.

Okay? Here we go...

The Book of Genitals
This is the word of god, as dictated to Hades, his latest in his line of saviours.
Chapter 1 (On the universe)
1. In the beginning there was nothing, not even space. The concepts of space and time were not created and hence it does not make sense to talk about 'time' before the creation of the universe. As far as you mere mortals are concerned, I sat around drinking beer and playing pool with Osiris and Thor.

2. The universe was NOT created in six days. I am not going to tell you the actual process (which incidentally is still in the making) because I gave you mortals brains to figure it out. If you want to know more, apply to the nearest library and pick up a good book on astronomy.

3. I did NOT create the sun to give you idiots light. The universe has billions of planets with life on them and you folks are the most self-important pricks I have ever met. The sun and stars exist as a consequence of the big bang. There is no purpose behind their existence that your feeble minds can fathom. Just be glad that I gave the sun another five billion years and shut up.

4. Out of my will I created time, I created space. Then as the universe rapidly expanded, I put into place simple physical laws to ensure that the creation can continue without my personal interference. It was beautiful and as it is mentioned in an anachronistic book written by and for goat farmers, Good.

5. The universe expanded, the first elements formed after I created nuclear fusion. The last of my creation was done, and now the universe was ready to run on its own.

6. The universe grew and evolved as order started forming from chaos, based on four simple forces I had created. Don't you mortals see it? Just four simple forces are responsible for everything you see around you. Don't you see how amazing that is? All the complexity in the universe I made by just four forces. I did not do stupid things like separate waters above and below. There is no fucking water in space. Who the fuck wrote that piece-of-shit book anyway?!

7. I did not create the universe out of an egg, and the universe is not a result of my dream. All those stories are ultra-simplistic ways of looking at it, and frankly, I am God, goddammit. I am the master of sophistication. I am the ultimate brain. The levels of complexity I can introduce into systems is just way beyond what your three dimensional brains can comprehend so quit attributing stupid shit like 'Let there be light' to me, but I digress.

8. Anyway, after the universe had stabilised, stars started to form and damn it was GOOD. Stars grew old, and stars blew up, and pieces of stars formed planets. So as that great man, Carl Sagan said, 'we are all stardust'. He meant you of course. I am made almost entirely of brilliance and general awesomeness.

9. There you have a short history of how the universe was formed. A much better version, I am sure than what exists in those crappy Bibles of yours. I mean what a crock of bullshit is "creating greater lights and lesser lights"?! Can't you people see how fucking primitive it is?!

Chapter 2 (On man)
1. Man evolved along with chimpanzees and gorillas, from ape-like ancestors.

2. Man did NOT arise from dust, at least not in the literal sense. Anyone who tells you that ridiculous creation story about the garden in Eden is a fucking fool.

3. What follows is a metaphorical construction of man's evolution and dominance on earth.

4. Disclaimer: God never considered intelligence an unpardonable sin and he thinks pride is a good thing to have. Pride is different from arrogance, God would have you know.

5. When the first man and first woman walked about free, God walked with them, guiding them along so they won't end up fucking things up wholesale right at the very start. God now wonders why the fuck did he even bother but at that time they were kinda cute. Hairy but cute.

6. Man and woman stepped out of their cave in open-eyed wonder, gazing at the amazing nature of 'creation', even the greatest word in their then primitive vocabulary ('ugh-yuk') failed to do justice to the majesty and grandeur of what they saw. Fuck garden of Eden, this was big!

7. The woman kept telling the man not to touch this and not to touch that. She insisted that somehow she knew better and if man didn't listen to her, a creature named 'God' would come and bite his ass. Verily! We have the evolution of the henpecked male. Verily, shall god speak like this from now on, for such language doth soundeth fucking cool (tm. Christopher, http://thewaronfaith.com)

8. Man would on the sly go out to throw rocks at creatures and bring them back. Woman would sit in the cave and bitch about how tough the meat was, how the man came back half an hour late bleeding all over the living room carpet and how he never remembers their anniversary. Man was too stupid then to point out that anniversaries had not been invented yet. And God wept.

9. Man did despair of what to do and one night went up to a lonely mountain to find answers on how to please Woman, or at least how to shut the bitch up for thirty seconds for fuck's sake. God did appear to man in a cloud and tell him, "go forth into the wilderness and seek the enchanted forest". Man did as god instructed him, as usual, not asking for directions. God did weep for his sorry ass and followed him.

10. Man, (thanks to some pretty neat nose twitching work from God) found himself in a strange land where the trees always bore fruit and they did carry labels on them. God said, 'now here is where I set you apart from other creatures'. I give you your first gift, the 'freedom' to choose.

11. 'These trees each have fruit with each a special gift. Choose the gifts you feel you would need the most because your choice would indeed affect the choices of eons to come. You have but ONE choice.

12. Man looked around and saw many good things. Some trees would give him eternal life. Other trees would give him immeasurable strength, but he passed these by.

13. Then he saw a tiny little sapling that had borne on it, a single apple. Man said, I want this one.

14. God rejoiced. For it was the tree of 'logical thought'.

15. God then said, 'We shalt certainly make something of you kid. Your choice showeth me that you do desire knowledge, and the root of knowledge is after all, logical thought'. But sadly there is only one so only you can have it. Your mate shall remain without this unique gift'.

16. Man agreed, being a fucking idiot, not realising how truly fucked he was.

17. Verily! This is why a man never understandeth the value of the shiny stone, nor doth he see the need to procure thirty pairs of black shoes, nor doth he see the sense in putting the seat of the toilet down.

18. Man ate the fruit, and there was much rejoicing as insight dawned into him, and he understood his true meaning on earth. He then turned to god and proclaimed, "this is a curse! Now not only doth man not understand woman, but now man knoweth he wilt never win an argument because forsooth! he is handicapped by logical thought!"

19. God remarked, 'tough luck kid.'

20. And Man with his new-found gift invented 'fishing' and 'beer'.

21. Woman remained in the cave, deciding if rocks were edible, while constantly bitching about Man not keeping her happy.

22. And so the first man and first woman lived, reproduced and died as leopard food.

23. The offspring survived, there was no fucking bigass boat that took them anywhere. They lived, migrated and populated the planet, breeding like fucking rabbits.