The Book of Numerals

This is the word of God, Mike according to his servant and master, Hades (Inspired by http://thewaronfaith.com)

Chapter 1. God's words of comfort to the weak and fallen.

1. And God did speak, 'Hades!'

2. And Hades did reply, 'No. I have done two books for thee, and that should be enough for thy flock to handle for the next month. Leave me the fuck alone. I quit'.

3. God replied, 'How dare you say that when thy fellow man is wallowing in the filth of ignorance? Don't thou knoweth that 70% of thy compatriots believe in angels and fairies?! Have they gone fucking insane? Doth thou not know that 60% think they know how I created the world? Doth thou realise that right now, somewhere someone is breeding without contraception because their shaman said contraception is against me?! We have a long task ahead of us, thou fuckwit'.

4. Hades did retort, 'Why me?! I find this task too difficult for me Lord. The sheep bleat away, and my ears do tire of that sound. My eyes see nothing but fuckstickery around and my nose doth smell the rotting aroma of their bull feces laden thoughts. I am tired Lord, and the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.'

5. The Lord God is a persistent little fucker who must have his way, laid a hand on Hades's shoulder and did shew him with nude photos of Mother Teresa.

6. 'Thou art a piece of shit, God!' cried Hades, from the foetal position. 'Thanks to thee my staff doth wither and look ill and I shalt never be the same again. Is this how thou thanketh my efforts? Is this how thou mocketh me?'

7. God did smile and say, 'Do not fret my son, and behold my miracles! Let there be Google, and let there be 'Hot Asian Teens'.'

8. Hades replied, 'Uhmm.. you must be thinking of someone else...'.

9. God did reply, 'Hades, I am God. Don't fuck with me. Now wilt thou get going already? The world's inherent fuckedupness is filling me with loathing and my patience doth grow thin.

10. 'So hurry up already, and write like thou haveth never writteneth before.

11. Hades said, 'Okay Lord, I shalt be thine mouthpiece. May I upgrade mine computer at least? It is old and slow, and it is ill and it is unworthy, a pill of dung begat by the evil Bill of Gates and his Micro Soft tool. Typing such a monumental work would indeed send it to that great trash heap in the sky. If thou but givest me me good tools, I shall do thine bidding.

12. God was well pleased. He said, 'Let there be American Express. Now go get 'em, and put it on my account'.

13. Hades was well pleased, and did grin. Credit Card begat Apple Macbook. Apple Macbook begat wordprocessing software. Software begat words and phrases and coherent sentences and one billion shitbloggers begat a heartattack. And Steve Jobs was well pleased.

14. And inspired by the word of God, Hades soldiered on, caring not about sleep or food until the work that was so gloriously began by others before him was finished.

14. Thus did God come to the aid of his faithful servant at a time of doubt and pain. Strange indeed, are the ways of the Lord. Praise be to Mike, and praise his poor buttslave, Hades.

Chapter 2. God's Love for Mankind

1. For god so loved all thou ungrateful fucks that he hath decided to come by one more time, to try to make thee see the error of thy ways.

2. So shut the fuck up already and pay attention thou insignificant piece of shite, for in this book God shalt try to lay down the rules and guidelines for thou to lead thine life by so when thou diest, thou at least diest without pissing me off too much.

3. Do not worship the Lord your God, for the Lord doth find your slavish worshipping and mindless prayers unsettling.

4. God doth think your prayers are a result of thine ego getting the better of thee in thinking that just because thou showeth thine ass in thy church every Sunday, God should somehow give a shit about thee.

5. How dare dost thou think that god giveth a flying fuck about thy pathetic football game? Or for that matter the results of thy test? Did thou not practice? Did thou not study? So why the fuck doth thou expect God to do jackshit?

6. Thy fat ass is thine own fault because thou did not know when to stop eating.

7. Doth thou really think that God hath the fucking time to worry about how thou did partake in nothing but pizza and beer for months thus resulting in thou resembling a fucking Good Year Blimp, and contracting coronary heart disease? God doth say, Fuck thee.

8. If prayer worked then God would have to be fucking busy, satisfying the whims and fancies of six fucking billion of thee. Dost thou really think God hath nothing better to do with his time? Dost though know how many fucking universes God hath to give a shite about, apart from your pathetic little planet? So shut the fuck up for fuck's sake.

9. The first rule of Mike is, 'Verily shalt thou not offer meaningless prayers to god, for it is an iniquity. Thou shalt do what thou art capable of, and quit bitching. God hath better things to do than mind thy stupid ass'. Keep that in mind all the fucking time.

10. The Lord God is a benevolent being and not the crazy, insecure whiny dictator thou maketh him out to be. He doth not give a shit whether you believe he existeth or not or whether thou sacrificeth a goat for him or not. He gave you a brain to fucking challenge everything thou seeth so use it for crying out loud. Take thine holier-than-thou sanctimonious ass somewhere else. It is an iniquity unto the Lord and he doth loathe it.

11. Mike also sayeth, 'Thou hast no right to speak for Mike'. Mike can speak for himself thank you very much. Thou shalt not claim to know what Mike wants. Thou shalt not pretend that Mike speaks to thee. Mike hates speaking to ignorant fucksticks and thinks thou art full of shit. Mike only speaketh to individuals who have shown the ability for rational thinking, and women. Because Mike doth love an intelligent conversation and he doth collect designer shoes.

12. If thou persisteth in thy folly, Mike shalt sic Cthulhu onto thee.

13. Is it not said, God loveth thee but Cthulhu thinketh thou wilt make a nice sandwich?

14. If thou wanteth to worship Mike, go right ahead. God doth not mind that thou art an ignorant cockspit but thou shalt not wear that ignorance like a badge of honour, nor shalt thou act holier-than-thou when talking to thine co-workers. If thine co-workers disagree with thee, thou shalt not claim to be persecuted. Thou art a fuckblintz and thou deserveth to be treated like a fuckblintz.

15. For verily, the greatest commandment is, 'Thou shalt keep thine religion to thy damn self'. Which part of that doth thou not understand?

15. Thy pathetic attempts at asking me for healing are an affrontery to Mike's awesome powers. I do not heal colds, nor do I treat metastasised cancer. I did create doctors for a fucking reason so go see them. God is not a 24-hour free hospital.

16. If thy shaman sayeth he has healed the sick in my name, he lieth. God doth not provide miracles for ego-boosts.

13. Lastly, always remember, thou art on this planet for a lifetime, so use it for thine benefit and not to serve Mike. Mike is God. He don't need no servicing. Serve thine fellow man so when thou croaketh, thou shalt be satisfied with thine existence. That is all I ask of thee.

Chapter 3: God's gift of Forgiveness.

1. 'God did not die for your sins. God cannot die because he is well, God goddammit.

2. 'How fucked up art thou that thou kept killing god's messengers and then turned it into a symbol to worship the Lord.

3. 'Doth thou truly think that God wanted thee to kill Jesus? Didst thou not find his message of peace and love offensive? Thou art fucked up in the head if thou thinketh even for one moment I sent myself to get killed by thou fuckers.

4. 'God commandeth you to quit asking for forgiveness for polishing thy rod. If thou jerketh off it is wholesome, it is good. Thou mayest like to know, God created thine organ for pleasure, and thou art allowed to use it for pleasure.

5. 'Sufficeth to say, the other great commandment is, 'Do what the fuck thou liketh, as long as what thou doeth does not mess with the affairs of others'.

6. 'Thy neighbour's house and wife thou mayest covet but shall not touch. Unless thy neighbour is an asshole, in which case thou mayest only covet his wife.

7. 'Thou may covet thine neighbour's ass but thou had better ask permission before thou placeth anything in it for butt-rape is an iniquity in the eyes of the Lord.

8. 'Thou shalt not give a damn if thine neighbour believes in a different version of me than you. Thou shalt not 'reach out' to him and pester him day and night with falsehoods about me. Thou shalt remember to keep thy fucking mouth shut unless invited to speak.

9. 'My forgiveness is unconditional and not dependent on believing whether thy forefathers nailed me to two bits of wood or not. They were goatfuckers and they smelt like bait. If thou listeneth to those people thou art truly fucked in the head. Thy brain is laden with dung, and it doth fill me with loathing.

10. 'If thou transgresseth, thou shalt be punished twice, once for breaking God's sacred commandment, and again for being an ignorant fuckstick. But thou shalt not suffer eternal damnation nor shall thou suffer from purgatory because the Lord is a God of forgiveness. Remember that thou existeth out of my unconditional love or else thou and thy ilk would have become extinct a long time ago.'

11. And God turned to Hades and said, 'dost thou think there is hope for the world? I worry for the fate of this planet. Not many planets I run is so overrun with utter dickwads and assholes. Maybe I should just wipe the whole slate clean and start again'.

12. Hades did say, 'do not say so Lord for thine work is not without fruit. Did it not gladden thine heart that Al Gore's book on global warming become a best seller? Did it not fill thee with joy to see movies like V for Vendetta do well in the box office? Does it not make thee smile that Mr. Brown in Singapore continues to attract millions of supporters from the world over? When Tom DeLay died, did thou not whoop with joy? Now the tide is changing as that utter fuckwad Thaksin has been tossed out on his ass. We have hope yet, Lord. Be not discouraged and know that I am with thee'

13. And God did smile.