First Letter of St. Hades to The Dumbfucks

Chapter 1

1. And the word of God did flow through the fingers of Hades, and God was pleased.

2. And God did remark, 'thine previous rant against the self important pricks of the world doth please me. It is good and I doth like it. Now shalt thou rant against the religious fundy dumbfucks of this world. Go give 'em hell, son!'

3. And Hades did obey the Lord, for he did not have a choice now, did he?

4. And God's Word did flow through the fingers of Hades onto his beautiful Macbook.

5. And God was well pleased.

Chapter 2 To the Fundy zealots

1. The Lord God, in all his infinite wisdom and love created thee out of nothing, and look at the kind of asshattery thou doest engage in.

2. The Lord doth not need thy slavish worshipping, and really doth not give a shit whether thou turneth up at thy place of worship on Sunday.

3. If thou thinketh that I think any different of thee cause thou sinneth all week and just turneth up to say sorry for one day, thou art fucking mistaken.

4. For the Lord brooketh no shit from anyone, and if thou screweth up, thou shalt get thine ass kicked.

5. Look at thou, 'reaching out' to thy fellow man, corrupting them with the fruits of thine own fuckedupness. Doth thou haveth no shame? Doth thou not realise that thy faith is simply a crutch that thou thinketh thou needst, but actually thou canst do perfectly well without it?

6. For eons, I have seen thee running around, fucking everything up in spades. For generations thou hast persecuted those that were beloved to me.

7. For verily I am not thy God, for thy allegiance is to the Deceiver.

8. For verily thou art in league with Satan, for who else could come up a system this devoid of rationality? Who else but Satan needs minions to slavishly worship him?

9. Thou hast made thy choice, and in doing so, hath made thy presence on earth like a pestilence, breeding like there is no tomorrow.

10. Who else but thine Blood God would demand that thou turneth up every Sunday to worship his insecure ass?

11. Doth thou not realise that thou art a fucking fool to give part of thine hard earned money to build thine overpriced places of worship, when that money could be better used to finding a fucking cancer cure, for fuck's sake.

12. Thy steeples and mega-auditoriums do fill me with loathing, as I see nothing but waste and arrogance. Dost thou really think I care about thou fucks spending 50 million dollars on a building to worship me? Who else but Satan could have moved your empty skulls to think up that concept?

13. For verily thine heads are empty, and the Deceiver doth love the fact that there is plenty of room in there for all his little minions.

14. And he doth use you for his pleasure.

15. The day thou did thinketh that thou foundeth "Jesus" was the day that Satan moved into the vast, empty regions in thy fucking skulls. For Jesus would never ask thee to give him protection money. Jesus would never ask thee to build him billion dollar auditoria. And Jesus would never, ever ask thee to throw logic out of the window and support stupid causes like 'Creation science' and 'prayer in schools'

16. Jesus doth think thy fuckstickery is an embarrassment to him, and wishes thou not use his name to spread thy vile theology about.

17. But Satan feels thy stupidity suits him just fine, and he doth use thee for his ends, and thou art too fucked in the head to realise it.

18. And just as you sow so shalt you reap when the time comes.

19. There is no eternal reward waiting for thee for verily, Hell has been prepared by Satan for those he calls his own.

20. And thine punishment shalt indeed be spending eternity in the company of Jerry Falwell and Tammy Fae Baker while thine smart neighbours do get ninety nine choice porn channels for their own viewing pleasure, and thou shalt indeed go insane.

21. Fie on thee, who think that thine fucked, warped, assfuckingbackwards worldview is actually a way to know me.

22. Fie on thee who think that thou canst say 'Thou shalt not kill' and go about killing abortion doctors.

23. As for those of you who think 'creation science' is science, the Lord doth laugh at thee, and at thy pathetic attempts at science.

24. And if thou dost thinketh that God wanteth thou to go about showing thine ass in the name of your Lord, then great shalt be thine embarrassment as thou shalt show thyself to be a fuckstick, and the world shalt indeed laugh at thee.

Chapter 2: And God's Plan for Them

1. Thou havest been given two ears and a mouth, so thou shalt hear twice as much as thou speakest.

2. So shut the fuck up for fuck's sake and listen to the word of God.

3. First, and foremost, acknowledge thine stupidity, and do know that ignorance is not a point of view.

4. And certainly, do not revel in stupidity. How fucked up art thou, to think that being ignorant is a virtue!

5. Woe unto those who think they know what God wants, because all He wants is to be left the fuck alone.

6. God does not want thee to go about being an annoying hole of an ass. If thou dost insist on being one, then god would rather that thou do it in thine own name and not sully the most holy name of Mike.

7. Thou shalt not disturb the Muslims and the Jews. The Hindus, Buddhists and the atheists also shalt thou not bother, because Mike is all loving and all generous, and accepts all those who seek him.

8. Mike also doth have a sense of humour and doth think that those who starve for a month just to please him are a hoot. At least then they're not bombing large buildings or setting off car bombs.

7. Thou shalt bring a sick child to a fucking doctor and not pray over it, for God doth loathe he who insists on being a retarded hillbilly.

8. Did thou not understand the reason why god created doctors? It is so that thou shalt get healed. God got out of the healing business a damn fucking long time ago.

9. Thou shalt not listen to stupid songs by Hillsong or Hossanna! for indeed those sounds are from the fiery pits of hell. Listen to some real good shit for crying out loud!

10. Behold how thou dost go about screaming in tongues. Surely thou dost not think this be the language of God! Surely only Satan is capable of such corruption of God's awesome gift of speech.

11. If thou doth insist on praying in tongues, then the Lord shalt indeed answer thine prayers by sending electric bolts up thine asses. Because indeed that is what the Lord interprets them to be.

12. And Satan shalt indeed gloat as to how easy it is to find acolytes to do his bidding.

13. The poor and the hungry do not need thy fucking prayers. They need food and drink.

14. Thou shalt not head thine ass to piss poor nations and try to spread thy vile beliefs to them.

15. And thou certainly shalt not press a sammich into the hands of a piss poor native in exchange of a blood oath to believe that I died to save his ass.

16. Such actions will bring thy god, Satan many converts into his bloodsoaked faith, but they are repugnant to me, and I do look on them with loathing.

17. And thy god, Satan shalt indeed be pleased because mindless actions by automatons doth please him.

18. But do remember this, that thine fate is tied with thine god's. IF thou dost choose Satan over me, then thou dost deserve all thou getteth, including penis clamps and other BDSM paraphernalia.

19. God then looked at Hades, and sighed, 'Art thou done with this one yet? My beloved creation doth rebel against me in every way, and Satan doth grow envious of my creation, and doth everything in his power to fuck it up as much as possible. If thou are not done by next week I shalt have to destroy the world and try again.

20. And Hades did type away furiously and the Word of God flowed from his fingers, and it was good.

This book to be continued