God, we need to talk

A recent conversation I had with God:

Hades: Hi there god, it's me, Hades

God (looking up from his Apple Macbook): Yes my son?

Hades: Please, just call me Hades, and you can drop the 'son' stuff. It's creepy. You don't mind me calling you 'god', do you? I mean what with christians saying we shouldn't use your real name and all that... if you want I can call you "YWVH" or is that "YVWH"?

God: Sure kiddo. Call me Mike if it makes you feel better. I like to keep an informal house. That whole 'YVWH' shebang is just bullshit. I meant to say 'look, don't have to call me anything special' and it got twisted to say 'don't call my name or I'll kill your ass', and now thanks some goatherders with IQ's of bratwurst I am seen as this insecure egomaniacal asshole by anyone with half a brain these days.

Hades: Cool. So Mike, I won't beat around the bush. What's the deal here? I mean come on. Look at the world today. What the fuck were you thinking man, letting a man like George Bush become president of the US, giving Mexico away to a bunch of right-wing nutcases, screwing around wholesale in Lebanon.. bombs going off daily in Iraq, fuck and why the hell is that Lee chap in Singapore still living?!

God (opens a can of Heineken): Sigh, I know I know. I'll see what I can do, I promise. It's not my fault you know.

Hades: No Mike, that's not good enough. This is not the result of some galactic boo-boo or some little trip up at the inter-stellar communication lines you have with Krishna and Ra. This is fucking intentional. So tell me, what the fuck's the deal.

God: Hades, relax and let me explain. I know you're pissed off because your fellow humans seem to wallow in the filth of their stupidity, and trust me, I am feeling it as much as you are but what the fuck am I supposed to do?! Do you really think I can just pop up on earth as and when every idiot prays for my intervention to set things right? I gave you human beings brains to use them, and apart from you and a few others most seem to be using it solely to decide which mindless reality TV show to watch or which latest fad bandwagon to hop on to. Come on, look at your leaders. I choose your leaders for you and you get pissed. I let you people choose your own and you elect utter shitholes. What the fuck can I do?!

Hades: What the fuck can you do? Dude, you're GOD! You can do anything you want, dammit. Set things right now. First, kill Bush. Second, declare Obrador the winner of Mexico elections, third, nuke Israel's arms factories. Come on man, you have an arsenal that is a republican's wet dream! Use it for yoursakes! And do something about that old man Lee!

God: Sigh Hades, why can't you see it? The problem is not on my end it's on your end. For example, say I give Bush a massive heartattack, what would happen? Cheney would be President. Do you want that? Seriously? Man, that guy gives Satan the creeps! So I would have to kill Cheney too, and half the Bush administration. What then? Do you think the American electorate would wise up and elect smarter leaders? Fat chance! They would just elect a sellout like McCain or that utter douchebag Hillary Clinton. Suppose I declare Obrador the winner in Mexico, what would happen? Apart from a very violent reaction from the US who want Calderon there, I can forsee that Obrador would last a week before either getting assasinated or tossed out in a coup d'etat. I can see the future with a good degree of accuracy you know.

Hades: Come on, man. You could have at least made the people a bit smarter. 30% of Americans still support Bush. What the fuck did you give them for brains? Cotton candy?! What about those schmucks in Singapore who keep electing the same bunch of automatons into power regardless of how much they are getting screwed? What about all those fucks who continue to watch pointless crap like American/Australian/Fucking Inner Mancunian Idol and Desperate Housewives?

God: Don't start, Hades. Just. Don't. Do you think they don't have brains? I gave them the same fucking brains I gave Einstein. Do you honestly think that I want them to think like this? I gave them brains so I don't have to do everything for them and get on with the task of running this universe. Universal laws don't make themselves you know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to create gravity? If your planet people want to use those brains for crap, what the hell do you think I should do? Gosh, it's hard enough being me without having to think for every little critter on this tiny pebble you call earth. I have fucking galaxies to mind, so get off my back about this already. We gods have better things to worry about than your insignificant little planet. Allah is busy fixing up that fucking Black Hole that would have turned your solar system into a fine mush, and Siva is putting his trident through this irritating demon-creature that comes up to gobble planets whole. Do you know what Buddha was saying? He said, "We gave them brains to admire the beauty of the universe and learn about quantum mechanics and evolution, to devise cancer cures and morning-after pills, to invent machines that can reach the outskirts of the universe to find out their true origins and what do they do? They build fucking LaZ-Boys and atomic bombs and blog about their annoying cat". Can we have a fucking "AMEN"?! Now you're telling me it's my fault and you want me to fix up the mess?

I made it perfectly clear when creating humans that you guys were supposed to use your brains and not depend on me.

Hades: Ha that's rich. It seems you didn't do a good job eh. Look at all your supposed followers preaching intolerance, stupidity and thumping Bibles. What were you expecting people to think? How can you say that you made it clear humans were supposed to think for ourselves when you had the Catholic church running the show for a thousand fucking years? The catholic church which I might aid claimed to speak for you and just pushed us back into the stone age and you didn't do squat about it. You can't just leave it all to chance and fuck things up further by putting out a shitty book full of half truths and stupid tales as your one true Word of God. You created a fucking defective product and now you're saying it should fucking fix itself?!

God: Don't talk to me about Bibles okay? A completely pointless book that I had nothing to do with. I don't believe in letting messages get through second hand. If there was something I needed to tell you, I would usually send an angel or go down myself. Who do you think was Bill Hicks? Who do you think was John Lennon? Who do you think was Gandhi? Who do you think was Jesus (the real one, not the kind those evangelists worship) or Darwin or Copernicus? They were all either myself, or my friends. Oh right I forgot, your kind ridiculed them, shunned them and even killed them. And now it's my fault? Don't you see it Hades? Your kind don't WANT to be anything but ignorant. Your kind don't want to be enlightened. They want to be dumb. They want to be mindless consumers. They enjoy being stupid and hate anything that would cause them to be open minded so stop blaming me for the state of your pathetic planet. You guys deserve nothing more than what you're getting. Why do you think the Bible's such a bestseller? Because it puts faith above reason. You people don't like to think.

Hades: Sorry Mike, but I can't accept that. I mean I can see where you are coming from but you're GOD dammit. Surely you can't say that this is a good thing that is happening. Don't you have any love for your creation?

God: I do, Mike. I do. No matter how many times you people kill me and do things to just piss me off, I try to come back to prevent you all from fucking up too bad, or trust me the world would have suffered nuclear annihilation a long time ago. If only I could count the number of times Dubya just wanted to push the 'button'... but I am not prepared to start thinking for you people. If I wanted to do that I might as well have not created you all.

Hades: So what do you propose to do? You can't walk away from this you know. No matter how bad it fucks up, earth is still your responsibility, and the last thing a god should do is shirk his responsibility, not unless you want this angry ranting atheist off your back anyway.

God: (smiling) I know kid, I know. I have a plan. I realised what I have been doing wrong. All this while I have been going to earth myself or sending Gabriel or Michael or some angel. The same with other gods but I believe I have finally got it.

This time I shall send a saviour...

Hades: (Groan) not again.. Look dude. I don't think you quite got the hang of this 'saviour' thing. Can you do something more practical?

God: Don't interrupt me. I know what I am doing. I am god, remember?

Hades: (Mutters) Where have I heard that before...

God: What? Anyway, this is not like my previous saviours, but he is a special saviour. You see Hades, I overestimated you earth people. Apart from you and a few others, most other earthlings have a problem handling anything but the simplest of thoughts and most of my prophets and saviours and myself were from a world far disconnected from reality. I mean what was I thinking?! Jesus suddenly speaking about peace and love in an era where it was perfectly justified to kill someone over picking wood on Sunday, or stoning someone because he put his dick in another man. It was just too much of a logical shift for humans, so this time I am going to send a saviour. Someone who can see the stupidity of the masses and tell them in no uncertain terms how fucking dumb they are. Someone who is one of them as far as professions, habits and attitudes are concerned but at the same time can see where they should be, and guide them along subtly without being a damned preacher. God I hate preachers. Those fucks are so damn sure they speak for me I wonder at times if I am really me, or am I actually all those things those bastards say I am.

Hades: Poor fuck who gets selected it seems. All your saviours come to a rather bitter end. Good luck. Thanks for sorting these things out for me.

God: Where are you going, Hades? Don't you get it?

Hades: What? I am just off to hunt emos for sport, if you don't mind.

God: Business before pleasure, Hades. Don't you get it? You are that saviour. Congratulations.

Hades: Oh fuck... no.. No fucking way. I refuse to do it. I don't see why I should sweat my ass off to bring these ignorant lemmings to the light.

God: Don't interrupt me or I'll kick your ass. I have been observing you, and you seem to have what it takes to be that saviour. I read your Evil Atheist website and I found it quite to my liking. I took the jokes you made of me in stride and didn't get Garuda to fly over and eat your head off so you owe me one. Humankind needs you, you little shit.

Hades: Fuck no. Human-kind needs a swift kick up the balls.

God: YEs, and you're going to be my boot. Now shut up and listen, or else I shall inflict a fucking curse on your laptop that would ensure that it would keep popping up random pictures of Lee Hsien Loong and his wife in various states of nakedness, and you shall never be able to sustain an erection again.

Hades: Why me, you asshole?

God: Because I fucking said so. Now go forth, and do as I say. Trust me kiddo, this time we'll make it work.

So what could I say? "You better have something special planned for the Lee chap when he gets here"

... to be continued.