God's mysterious ways

And so it came to pass, that a Messiah was born, a messiah who didn't pull his punches; a messiah who, thanks to threats of dental torture and goat rape, agreed to take the woes of the world on his shoulders and try to guide his fellow man from birth to death without fucking things up too bad. A messiah, in short, who can today still be seen talking to god on a two way radio...

Hades: Are you there god, it's me Hades.

God (turning down the sound of his TV, incidentally showing 'Afro-whores Vol. 10'.): Yes Hades, what can I do for you?

Hades: Well for a start you can tell me what the fuck it is I am supposed to do. How the fuck does one go about becoming a fucking saviour?! Is there a form I fill out? Is there a course I attend at Open University? I don't recall seeing "Messiah 101" in NUS. So tell me now, what the hell AM I supposed to be doing?

God: You always were an impatient little shit, weren't you?! Now listen. I have tried other messiahs. I have tried every type of messiah there is, until now and frankly, I am really counting on you. If you fuck up, that's it. The world is on its own and it will all be your fault.

Hades: My fault?! Why the fuck would it be my fault?! You created this shit you dickhole.

God: God moves in mysterious ways, kiddo. Live with it.

Hades: Yeah yeah, now tell me already. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing.
God: Be patient will you and listen to me! I can't afford to screw up here. The last time I gave out these instructions to that chap David Koresh, he locked himself up and a bunch of women and kids in a compound and declared himself Jesus. Hell they had to send in the SWAT team to get the kiddies out. So listen up, this is serious. The first thing I need you to do is write a book.

Hades: Oh dear me, no. I won't. Come on man, you just told me you don't like Bibles and you want me to go put out one?!

God: Which part of 'I am god' do you not understand, fucker? Look, I don't mean you start finding a publisher and all that. I already told you that I hate getting words through via proxy, because one is always misquoted. Trust me will ya?! I know what I am doing. I am not talking about a real, physical book like the Bible, but a series of rants, something like what you're doing.

Hades: Mike, what the fuck have you been smoking?! You expect me to join the ranks of the imbecile retards on the 'blogosphere' who, just because of their ability to construct a vaguely coherent sentence, assume that they're the next Leo fucking Tolstoy? Or do you want me to be amongst those who because they can rhyme 'rain' with fucking 'pain' think that their pathetic attempts at poetry are worth bloody Pulitzers.

God: Don't make me get medieval on your ass, kiddo. I am much better than that. Now pay careful attention, I want you to do what you have always been doing but with some modifications. I noticed something about your site, Hades. It's incredibly brilliant and sidesplittingly hilarious but it lacks direction. One day you're eviscerating annoying prepubescents who seem to think the world gives a shit about their stupid issues, and another day you completely shift gears and drop a load on people who pray over sick kids instead of taking them to a fucking doctor. What the fuck is up with that? You are ranting about everything under the sun with no direction whatsoever and there is nothing that explicitly links your rants together. I want that changed.

Hades: Dude, you don't understand. My site does not have to have a point. It is about things I give a shit about.

God: I know Hades, but now you are not writing for yourself. You are writing for the world. From now on I am going to give you some purpose behind your ranting. I have great hope in you, Hades. With me, you shall rip apart the facade of society to show its underlying brutishness! You shall tear away the blinkers over your fellow man's eyes and show him that the world is far more diverse and richer than any of his pathetic world views. You shall be the force which shakes governments and moves masses! I am GOD and I have spoken!

Hades: Dude, get off that table and put that bottle of whisky down.

God: Oh sorry, got a bit carried away there. So yeah, as I was saying, you have a big job kid. A really big job. Unlike with other messiahs I won't tell you exactly what to write. All I will do this time is turn up occasionally to point out things to write about, and how to work your rants into a holistic piece of work that will serve as a guide for humanity for eons to come.

Hades: Woah, that was deep man.

God: I have only three conditions:
1> You shall pull no punches when writing. Do not use "darn" and "frickking" or any such crap words. The word of God is honest, brutal and to the point. Be bold, be brutal. I remember mentioning something like that to someone in 300BC and it ended up in the fucking Bible referring to a sword or something. Bloody plagiarisers. Anyway I digress...
2> You shall always be candid in your views. Do not beat about the bush nor worry about offending anyone. If they are offended, fuck them.
3> You shall write against ignorance and bigotry and therefore you shall face opposition from people who have the mentality of sheep, like you have in the past. These people who cannot think for themselves and need a shaman to tell them what to think about everything from global warming to the legalities of butt-fucking will come after you and try to bring you down. They will bleat the name of their blood-god again and again and try to tear apart your efforts because they are too insecure to comprehend what you are doing for them. But this time you shall not ignore them. You shall put up their comments with your amazingly witty responses, so the world can see how fucked up their brethren are, and sneer at them. This is their first step to recovery.

The rest is business as usual. Go get 'em, tiger!

Hades: Sure thing man. But I am currently attracting about twenty views a day. How the fuck is that going to change the world?

God: You just do your job kid, and I'll do mine, okay?

Hades: Alright Mike, you're the boss.

God: Glad you know that, Hades. Now go before I kick you in the mouth.

--- to be continued