Letter from St. Hades to the Imbeciles

1. This is the word of Mike through his servant and master, Hades, hereby known as St. Hades, Patron Saint of the Totally Fucked.

2. For god so loved thou dumbfucks he keepeth trying and trying to make thee see some common sense but thou doth continue in thy fuckstickery.

3. For the Lord thy God is a patient Lord, and despite thou pissing him off at every turn, he doth pity thine ignorant ass and wants to help thee.

4. Be not afraid, because the words may be harsh, but it is for thine own good.

5. And Hades wrote, and wrote, and God was well pleased.

6. And god did guide Hades' hand, and the words that flowed were good.

7. God did remark,' doth thou not seeth thy fellow man in distress? Look at them, Hades. Look at them sitting on their asses and watching American Idol. Look at them going out and purchasing LaZ-Boys so they do not even have to get up to get their pizza. Look at the world Hades, and tell me it is not fucked up. Thou shalt indeed write to these people.'

8. And Hades did reply, 'Show me a sign Lord. Let me know what to write about'.

9. And God did shew him Xiaxue's blog, and the blog of Metrosexual Me The website of a hundred different fat emo kids did the Lord shew Hades.

10. Hades did remark, 'Holy jumping jackshit!' and felt a great sadness and remarked, 'I shalt do what I must to rid these fevered egos that taint our collective unconscious (tm. Bill Hicks). Let me at 'em Lord!"

11. And god was well pleased.

Chapter 2: Thine words are shit, the Lord said so.

1. The word of God is good because it showeth thee how dumb thou art.

2. Thou bloggers who bloggeth about every fucking thing on the planet. Stop, and look at thy world. Just because thy life is boring and bland doth not give thee the right to brag about it to everyone. Thou art not the only one to whom shit happeneth. The Lord distributeth shit evenly and if it happeneth to you, find a way round it and quit bitching.

3. For who in the world giveth a rat's ass whether thy new jeans fit thee or not?

4. Thine ass is for thine own keeping. There is no need for thee to put up pictures of it online.

5. If thou doest put up pictures, at least make sure thine ass is worth looking at.

6. For ugly asses are an iniquity unto the Lord and it doth make him ill to look at it.

7. The Lord thy God gave thee thy body so that thou mayest use it to do good in the world, not to show to the world thy pathetic purchases.

8. For verily, thy face aint no Monica Belluci.

9. Remember thou, that thy opinions only carry weight when thou canst logically justify them. Just becuase thou thought up shit doesn't make thee smart.

10. Nor does it give thee the right to fill the internet with the vapid outpourings of thy microcephalic crania.

11. Oh woe unto thee who blog about thine cat, because the world ought to kick thy whiny self important ass from here to eternity. Woe unto them who put up music in thy blogs, for their music is surely inspired by the Deciever.

12. For doth they not listen to Ashlee Simpson or Nelly?

13. Thine opinions don't matter one fucking bit, so shut the fuck up, for fuck's sake. For is it not said, that empty vessels maketh the most noise?

14. Thine outpourings of mindless crap are indeed the one thing that preventeth thy evolution on to the next stage, and it doth make the Lord furious that thou are too fucked up to realise that. The noise thy flea-brains make rattling in that skull doth fill me with loathing.

15. Behold, how thou worshippeth Xiaxue. Behold how thou insisteth that people who writeth nothing but stories about whom they get lucky with writeth like William Wordsworth. Doth thou haveth no shame? Doth thou think that thine experience warranteth anything more than utter ridicule and contempt?

16. I did not say that thou shalt not have freedom to write what thou wanteth. But remember though, that I too have the freedom to laugh at thy asses and sneer at thee, and I shalt verily, do both in full measure.

17. For thou art truly the most biggest imbecile cumbubble to stick thine head into the world. For is it not said, thy wheel doth turneth, but the hamster is dead?

18. Thy brain is empty of logic, thus every thought that flies in one ear flies out the other because there is nothing in between to stop it. And thou dost rebel against me by wearing thy ignorance as a badge of honour.

19. And thou dost spell like a retarded ape because thou thinketh it soundeth fucking cool, but verily God doth say thou soundeth like the ignorant hole of an ass that thou art, and he doth pity thee greatly.

20. And thou dost think that thou doth need meaningless affirmation from thy inbred friends who are as fucked up as thou art.

21. Thou thinketh it's fucking cool to put up lyrics to meaningless horseshit songs sung by sister-fucking Alabama rednecks, and thy friends shall think thou art a deep soul when thine genepool is shallow as thine intellect.

22. Verily, thou art the tool of satan, for only the Deciever is capable of such meaningless bullshit. Thou hast sold thy soul for thy fifteen minutes of fame and thine ass doth belong to him for eternity.

23. And mightily shall Satan roast thine ass for it doth deserve an asswhupping.

24. For the Lord thy God doth allow thee to be an asshat, because he gave thee brains to do what thou pleaseth, but he shalt not brook any bullshit from no one. If thou persisteth in thy asshatness, then thou shalt be rewarded with an asswhupping thou richly deserveth.

Chapter 3: On Emos

1. And the Lord did say, 'Look thou at those emos. Watch how they wander about aimlessly, thinking that the world careth about their shitty emotions. Don't thou think they look fucking stupid in their emo glasses and their stupid teeshirts?'

2. Mike's wrath doth waxed hot and he thundered, 'I shalt wipe them out of the face of this earth for indeed they are a blot. They sully all that is good, and their smell doth fill me with loathing. The fury of the Lord shalt be unleashed on these vermin and the world shalt watch their fate and be filled with dread!

3. And Hades did reply, 'Forgive them Lord, for they think they know what they are doing. They are ignorant, and they doth think they are different, but are all the same'.

4. 'They doth want to be seekers of attention of their fellow man, yet they claim to spurn it. Verily, have thou seeneth such a fucked up mind? Do have mercy lord for they doth need it.

5. And Hades did say unto the Lord, 'Furthermore, they are a great source of delight unto me and unto you.

6. 'Behold, how they listen to the sound of windchimes, and do think it is a musical instrument.

7. 'And forsooth, don't they not think their lives are miserable and pathetic? So why should we not give them what they want? For verily, they want to be treated like shit, so they shalt be treated like shit.'

8. 'For is it not said, he who listeneth to Avril of Lavigne and thinketh his life is pathetic, doth deserve nothing but contempt?

9. 'Doth such a person have testicles? Surely the Lord in his infinite wisdom has ensured that their fuckedupness remains with them and shall not spread like the foul bacteria whose intelligence they seem to have?

10. 'Emos haveth no self esteem so it mattereth not that thou clobbereth them over their heads with blackjacks, nor doth passing high voltage shocks fill anyone with pity.

11. 'For they seek attention, so shalt they get attention

12. 'Verily they are on this planet for thine and mine entertainment and pleasure, so Lord I beseech thee to spare them thine wrath, and laugh at their sorry asses, and let us together hunt emos for sport.'

13. And the Lord did heed Hades's counsel for it was good. He did look down upon their gloomy white faces, their tousled hair and sad, pale countenances and smiled. And God did say to Hades, 'Now watch son, as I taketh the fat one down with mine thunderbolt'.

14. And Hades was well pleased.

(Writers note: Hunting emos is a great way to relieve stress, even better than yoga, or pilates or any of that crap. No innocent animals would be harmed and those that are hunted want to die anyway, so there is no real loss, really.)