And now Poppa gets into the act, Jump Singapore, and other stories

You know, normally I would generally rant on a topic and consider it closed, but for the first time I am going to carry on from my previous rant because after all, a member of parliament is involved.
You remember parliament? That marvellous system of government that allows the common man to have his say in how his country is to be run? Of course you don't. You probably remember Parliament as that place where the country's systems are optimised for the sole benefit and pleasure of Singapore's First FamiLee.

Anyway, in typical elitist fashion the father Wee Siew Kim is said to have agreed with his daughter's views in that he considers many Singaporeans to be 'wretched undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world. one of those who would prefer to be unemployed and wax lyrical about how his myriad talents are being abandoned for the foreigner's, instead of earning a decent, stable living as a sales assistant.'

You know, it's scary when a person you elected into power 'condemns' you to being a sales assistant while giving away the nation's top jobs to foreign talent. I am not saying that being a sales assistant is a bad job, but why do I have to slog through four years of university and get two masters' degrees to do it? Besides, why shouldn't a Singaporean complain if he feels that a job he is perfectly capable of doing is going to someone just because he happens to have skin pale enough fucking scatter light and an accent that sounds like someone speaking through a mouth full of pebbles?

He goes on to say 'Some people cannot take the brutal truth and that sort of language, so she ought to learn from it'. You know I use far more brutal language in my site and general conversation, yet no one has complained about me being insensitive (hell I made fun of every major religious group, I have shit on Mother Teresa and Christopher fucking Reeve, abused women and emos). You know, if this is the kind of shit that an MP thinks of an average Singaporean, Singapore is truly fucked.

Anyway, on to other things. What the fuck is up with people jumping into MRT tracks to commit suicide? This thing is starting to catch on in Singapore as the 'in thing' in suicide methods. Forget the jumping off tall housing development blocks, or downing thirty to forty paracetamol tablets, or slashing wrists. This new method of suicide is garnering both support and sympathy, with the last poor schmo netting his family a cool $300,000. Yes, three hundred grand, slightly more than what Lee the Son makes when he takes a shit. A lot of people complained that Singaporeans were fools to give this much money but come on. Give the fucker a break. He entertained Singapore for days. If Russell sisterfucking Peters can be paid that much to stink up a stage for an hour or so, surely this guy deserves that much or more. So shut the fuck up and go back to your champagne and caviar.

But that aside, I am not an insensitive, callous prick (okay maybe I am), but shouldn't these Joes who kill themselves not inconvenience the rest of the people around them? I mean sure, your life sucks thanks to getting tossed out on your ass from your job, having little or no safety net for your family thanks to the government scraping the last of your CPF to pay for your pigeon-hole apartment, having to pay through your nose for even basic amenties like electricity and water and watching your kids survive on biscuits but does that mean you have to use the MRT to take your life? Come on, Singapore has a World Class Transport System, and now you go and fling your carcass on the tracks, thus ensuring that our World Class Transport System has to now start charging people higher fares to clean up your blood from its brand new Nippon Shoryu trains? Why don't you just jump off some high place you peasant?! Why are you dirt poor? Can't you wait for the casinos to open so you can get a job there?

You know, our Elites may just consider starting to milk this thing for what it's worth. You know the previous fuck who offed himself on the tracks? He was dirt poor when he lived and no one gave a damn. When he died, wellwishers collected a whopping $300,000 for his family. Well at least now the family have money to start paying off debts and things right? Wrong. They are now setting up a 'trust fund' to 'manage' the $300,000. Apparently so much money at the hands of a peasant woman (his wife) and children might cause them to mismanage it and squander it on silly things. They need the investment savvy of the Elites so that the money is not frivolously wasted. The Elites who spent $400,000 of taxpayer money in renaming Marina Bay as (wait for it!) MARINA BAY were unavailable for comment.

So in that vein, may I suggest an even better scheme to make some more money out of this thing (apart from taking away their funeral donations which might not go down well, PR wise)? The government should just designate a special 'suicide point' in one of the less crowded ('White Elephant') stations, and just run special 'suicide trains' for these people. They can pay normal MRT fares (65c at latest count, provided the suicide is done within 20 minutes or else got extra charges). What with the upcoming casinos, you are bound to see a surge in suicides, so in the true Singaporean spirit of making money out of everything, may I humbly suggest the designation of Buangkok station as the Official Suicide Station of Singapore. Buangkok is on the NEL, so being driverless, the government does not have to worry about silly things like squeamish peasants not willing to drive over the bodies of others, nor does it have to address issues of paying them more to undertake such a task. Besides, it's fucking Buangkok, THE white elephant. Singapore already has designated smoking points, and even designated whoring points (I know, it's creepy), so a designated 'suicide point' would allow Singapore to develop as the suicide hub of the region. What's more, the tourism industry can now cater to a new brand of tourist (instead of the current practice of sneaking a bag of marijuana in their luggage as they check through customs).

The government can in keeping with the spirit of giving a silly name to every small initiative taken, call it the "Jump Singapore!" campaign to start things off. They can even run promotions like a 25c rebate if you took the bus to get to the station, and make the jumpers pose for a smiling photograph which will be then given to the family/friends/ah loong/bill collectors upon payment of a small fee. They can also make it a felony offence to attempt suicide anywhere else but the designated suicide point. Offenders can be charged under the littering act and fined upto a thousand dollars, thus cementing Singapore's status as a 'Fine' Hub.

The best thing about this is if the trains are fast enough, there is very little left of the poor fuck to return to the family, and just think of the savings when all you got to bury/cremate is about a shoebox-full of stuff? I am sure the poor and needy who go for this option will appreciate this important consideration the World Class Government in Singapore gives them for such a low fare (only 65c if you use EZ Link, but 90c if you use cash.)

The money raised by this will be used to not turn off the water and power in the houses of the deceased, and to continue making Singapore the "Suicide HubPolis" of the region.

What can I say? I am a fucking genius.

Disclaimer: Look up irony, satire and sarcasm in the dictionary.