Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Enough!

Folks,

I have been doing some thinking lately and decided I shall lay off ranting about the politics in Singapore for the time being.

There are some reasons for it. No it's not due to fear, nor is it due to the fact that Lee the Son sent me an exploding package (the postage charges would be a bitch where I am at).

The chief reason is, it's a boring field to write on. I mean, unless there is a significant political change or someone gets anally reamed with a PAP lightning dildo, it's pretty much the same shebang every few years.

Second reason, I don't really give a shit. I know it sounds like I do, but I don't. Not in the abstract sense at least. I mean I love pointing out the idiocy and ridiculousness of things but I am too damned lazy to do anything about it, especially since.. (and this is the third reason)
I am not a Singaporean. It's your damn country. You fix it.

This does not mean that I will not make references to Singapore politics at all. Lee the Father, Lee the Son, the Holy Goh and the rest of the PAP Pantheon are great comic characters and will make cameo appearances every now and then. Just don't expect every rant to be about them though.

Alright having said that, I couldn't resist this topic.

The government has started investigating this blogger for putting up cartoon pictures of Jesus on his site in various compromising positions. Unfortunately Jesus was unavailable to comment on whether he found it offensive or not.

I wonder if the person who found this site out gets a paycheque. I would love to be doing that job man. I mean how does one advertise for it?
"Are you willing to sit in an airconditioned office for hours on end, searching for naughty sites on the internet, and then checking if Singaporeans are visiting those naughty sites and/or writing them? If so, call ISA at 1800-BG-BRUDDER (it seems a cardinal rule nowadays to spell words wrong even in government ads, and besides, that's how Indians and Malays here pronounce that word anyway)

Imagine that. I get paid to surf the internet all day and finding out things that piss me off or turn me on. Hell it's even a great excuse to find tit porn ("Uhm no I am not surfing for porn at www.afrowhores.com! I am doing research! Gosh what a BAD, SINFUL website! What? Sure I can give you the address so you can check out how bad it is too!"). Lee the Son, if you're listening, I am interested in a career change and best of all, I am fucking Foreign Talent!

Okay back to the site, I wonder why they found those pictures offensive. Their version of things is even more offensive than that! They nailed the poor guy onto two bits of wood and allowed him to remain there naked! Gosh. Isn't that offensive? They want children to read that about Jesus, spending three days dangling from a cross, bleeding on everything. If I was Jesus, I would find that version REALLY offensive. HEll I might just come back to smite some of these motherfuckers with some righteous indignation.

Besides, the internet is chockful of thousands of sites which show Jesus doing all kinds of dirty things (including eating babies, fondling kids and raping sheep) and somehow this one Singaporean site is so bad?! Gosh..

I wonder if Singaporeans can now laugh at the reaction of the Islamic world upon the publication of the Muhammad cartoons. Their own government has done something similar (although less violent). Apart from the Islamic world, Singapore probably is the only nation with blasphemy laws. Good job. We are now living with a 15th century legal system.

Monday, June 19, 2006

CSJ is bleeding from the ass

Folks,

I propose we buy shares of Johnson & Johnson, makers of Band-Aid. The recent rectal exams on poor Chee Soon Juan have probably ensured a steady market for their flagship product in record quantities (for all you foreign readers, he's this poor guy who gets reamed repeatedly by Lee the Family for doing some really offensive and defamatory things like breathing).

I found this rant by another blogger in Singapore called the Commander Report, and decided to work on something he had going (I presume it's a "he" but for all I know "he" could be a bull dyke with eighteen tattoos and three missing teeth).

Anyway, I propose two things. Purchasing of shares of Johnson & Johnson (which will rise to new and unscaled heights solely on the back of Band Aid), and then channeling part of the profits to a CSJ fund. I am sure at one point he'll be too poor to even buy Band-Aids and these funds might go a long way in alleviating his pain (pun intended you fuckers). Hell, I'll chip in with a couple of bucks.

I know many of you think that I am being absolutely tasteless in making fun of the plight of one of Singapore's last brave opposition figures. Well, it certainly is tasteless but well, I find it hilarious and if you think my sense of humour is sick and sordid, I suggest you stop reading this shit and go read the Straitjacket Times instead.

Okay now on to more serious stuff.
If you haven't watched it, watch this film: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8057768553173785296
This is Martyn See's famous video on CSJ. This video was banned in Singapore and the person who made it is being investigated for making a "political film".

Sigh, so much for freedom of speech and expression guaranteed in the Singapore constitution. The video shows a perfectly innocent rally being turned into a police slugfest. I wonder what the cops are so scared of. The most dangerous thing on CSJ seems to be a pair of nerdy sunglasses. What are these? The fashion police? Was their conversation something like this?! Shit..

CSJ: I demand we be given free right of assembly, as enshrined in our constitution blah blah the fucking blah.
Police: Sir, do you realise you are wearing black framed, nerdy glasses?
CSJ: Wha..?!
Police: Sir, you do realise that we have to arrest you.
CSJ: What the fuck for?
Police: The charge against you is violating our sense of good taste. Now if these were half-frames or frameless glasses we would have let it slide but sir, not only are you not wearing contacts but you're also wearing black framed ones. Don't you know that Pink with Polka dots is the new Black, as decreed by Lee the Son in Page 12 of the Straitjacket Times, 23 October issue, 2005?!
CSJ: Oh shit... I can think of a thousand witty repartee's to that.. Give me a minute! Oh I got one! I have a dream! That one day, we can wear a pink tie with yellow lozenges.. Oh shit that's not it.. Ah Fuck it. You suck.
Police: So will you come quietly or do you want me to slip these handcuffs on you?
CSJ: Ooh frilly handcuffs?
Police: .....
Audience: .... Damn this turned out to be a real let down man.

What the hell were they so scared of? A rally?! And now they want to sue the poor bastard for speaking his mind. I mean, come on. Are these fucks so scared of one guy? Imagine that, what the PAP is saying is that the entire government is in danger of being thrown out of power just by Chee Soon Juan! That would make him a really powerful man won't it? The kind of man who can run a country without worrying about another little man bringing it to ruin? I don't know...

And why the hell was the poor schmuck who made this 28 minute film investigated for "making a political film". What the fuck is wrong with making political films? Which era are these fucks living in? 1930?! I mean, a headline like "Movie maker arrested for making subversive film" brings back remniscences of headlines of China newspapers in the 50's. Fuck, even the Chinese are not stupid enough to do that in this day and age (well they just send some thugs to sneak into the poor bastard's house at 3 am and shoot the motherfucker but that's another rant).

The issues raised above highlights a major problem in how Singaporeans and their ruling government think.

The problem is, the government here thinks it is doing the people a favour by giving them rights. The people are still in the old 15th century mindset of government as a body designated by higher powers to rule the people. The government has forgotten why it exists and the people are wrong about why it exists, so I am going to clarify it now. Listen up, the two of you.

Government exists to serve the people. Government is not a ruler, it is a servant. (They call them civil servants for a reason). This is the most important lesson the government in Singapore must learn. The "ruling party" are not rulers. In fact, they are the "serving party". They have been chosen by the people to make decisions on their behalf. They certainly do not have the right to keep anything away from their employers and their masters, the people. The sooner the government and the people of Singapore know this, the better.

People have inalienable rights to life, freedom, equality and justice. Governments exist not to give the people these rights but to ensure that they are not taken away by others. No amount of rationalization or fear should come in the way of exercising these rights.

Shit like "restriction of rights for the greater good" indicates that the government somehow knows better than the people. Bullshit. No human deserves to have any right to do anything taken away from him as long as he doesn't come in the way of another human exercising his rights.

Got that? Now go and exercise your rights.

Monday, June 12, 2006

You better fuckin' smile, or else!

Am I the only guy who sees the stupidity of this headline in the Straitjacket Times?

Singapore prepares four-million smiles welcome for IMF; PM launches drive to get everyone to help delegates to the big meeting feel at home

Lee the Son must think Singaporeans are so stupid that even common courtesy has to be fucking legislated. What the fuck?! We now have to be told when to fucking smile?! Why don't they just come out and fucking say it? Singaporeans please pretend to be kind and courteous when some foreigner (preferably white) is watching you, so they will walk away with the idea that Singapore is like a cross between fucking Hobbiton and Narnia post Aslan, rather than the tiny, repressed, paternalistic nanny state it is. Lipstick on pig anyone?

Do I give a shit about IMF being in Singapore? No, of course not. For all I care, those rat bastards could get fucking cancer of the left testicle. Just to confirm my stand to prevent any misunderstanding, I say, "Fuck the delegates and I hope they die painfully".

Why the hell should Singaporeans bend over backwards to please these bunch of imperialist assholes? Every other fucking country they go to, these guys get brickbats hurled and them, and now Singaporeans are expect to aid and abett in their carving up the fucking world for themselves? These guys ruined South America, they destroyed countries like Ecuador, Chile and recently Argentina. These corporate thugs are living a fucking capitalist wet dream, and we are helping them fleece underdeveloped countries more.

Why the fuck do you think they are holding this shit in Singapore? Is it because they LOVE South East Asia? Bullshit. The one and only reason they do is because they know they won't be greeted by brickbats and lynchmobs they so richly deserve.

And besides is it such a big deal? What is Singapore? Some kind of international convention centre? Why should the people give a shit about some rich white cocksuckers planning how much to fleece fucking Guatemala by making it sell all its state owned enterprises? Why should the average Singaporean, who has nothing to gain from what these fucks decide be bothered to greet these assmunchers with anything but derision? Why should Singapore go so much out of the way to make sure foreigners who visit this place for about two fucking days have a good time, while its own citizens are not allowed to raise a yip in protest?

The last time the big fuss about about the fucking Olympic Committee deciding where to host the next olympics coming here to do it. Hell even the newspapers got into the act, pimping the event no one with a sane mind gave two shits about. I bet the Straitjacket Times bends over backwards again, this time pimping events no Singaporean would ever give jackshit about.

The article goes on to say: 'Smiles ambassadors' will also be at various locations and events - such as night spot Zouk, the National Day rehearsals, shopping malls and schools - to snap cheery pictures of Singaporeans at play from now till the end of next month.

Oh Mother of Mercy, save us all!

Why not just snap pictures of Singaporeans working 18 hour jobs? Why not snap pictures of the nice little "aunties" in the underpasses selling tissue papers just so she has enough to eat? Why not snap pictures of the alleyways of Geylang, chockful of prostitutes trying to attract a potential customer while keeping an eye out for the "Anti-Vice Squad"? Just so that the "delegates" get a complete picture of what Singapore is actually like, you know.

Scarily enough, Singaporeans are taking Lee the Son's word as gospel.
" '(T)here will definitely be a lot more smiling from now on,' said the 21-year-old student - with a smile, of course." Why?! Gosh, what the fuck has happened?!

We are truly and utterly fucked-over lemmings who bend over and spread 'em on command. Sad.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Folks,

Last month, the National Council of Churches of Singapore (NCCS) wrote a letter to the Media Development Authority (MDA) asking it to ban the movie, the Da Vinci Code.

It was the first time that the NCCS had asked for a movie to be banned.

'In our multi-racial and multi-religious society, movies that offend the sensitivities of any religious group should not be allowed,' argued NCCS general secretary Lim K Tham.

(Minor digression) I wonder what it is with Singaporeans, especially this shit about "multiracial, multireligious society". It's fucking bullshit. Singapore has THREE major races, that's it. Three. That is not fucking multiracial. Cities like Toronto, Sydney, Melbourne and even fucking New York are far more multiracial than Singapore will ever be.

Singapore has FIVE major religions: the Christibans, Muslims, Taoist and Buddhist, with an assortment of Hindus and a small allotment of Sikhs.

That's it. That is not fucking multireligious. When was the last time you saw a fucking Zoroastrian here? or for that matter a Pantera follower? Fuck, Houston fucking Texas has more than five, hell let me count the number of major religions in fucking BOMBAY: (Hindu, Muslim (both Sunni and Shia), Sikh, Parsi, Buddhist, Jain, Christian, hell even a few Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.

Singaporeans, you are not unique. You're the same as everyone else in today's globalized world. You are not the only multiracial society in the world so quit acting so damn special with this "multiracial, multireligious" bullshit.

And please, elect some better idiots to speak for you next time round. The current lot is an embarrassment. Your prime minister has only one testicle which lies preserved in a glass case with his empress dowager wife, dammit.

(End of Minor Digression)

What the fuck is up with these idiots wanting to ban a movie? What the fuck is this? 1950? The reason given is ridiculous: "movies that offend the sensitivities of any religious group should not be allowed". Hey pastor/reverend/whatever title you gave yourself to let you carry on molesting little boys:

Here is a little insight on your comment: If you think a silly movie will offend your religious sensibilities or suddenly drag you from the 15th to the to the 21st century then how about this: DON'T SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!

That way you won't be offended, your precious flock won't be offended and I will continue to laugh at your paedophiling ass for a good long time.

Besides, what fucking era are you guys living in? Calling for a movie to be banned in this day and age is a surefire way of making the movie producers millionaires dammit (and a few street vendors of DVDs in Johore stinking rich). What the fuck is wrong with these retards? They should have said something like "The council of churches heartily recommends this movie as it is a completely sexless, ballless, soulless creation of the entertainment industry that the church heartily endorses except when it produces titty shots". Or something like "this movie is endorsed by the National Council of Churches AND the Singapore government because it keeps our bovine populace stupid and distracted while we ream them of every dollar they fucking got". Then wait and see how many people actually turn up to watch this fucking film.

And besides, what RIGHT to these Christibans (the christian Taliban) have to ban anything? These fuckers read from a fucking book that advocates genocide, sexism, racism and fucking eternal damnation every fucking Sunday and somehow a little shitty movie about their blood-god is so damn offensive to them. These bastards advocate conversion of Iraqi kids who were killed by US troops to their bloodbath religion (read it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rj-eskow/the-evangelighouls-how_b_22117.html), call all "unbelievers" hell-bound heathens but they'd be damned if someone says something against their pretty little blood gorged world view. Those picket signs go up faster than a fat chick running up a flight of stairs for the last piece of chicken. They want the unquestioned right to oppress everyone else and inflict their perverted world view on them but try telling them to leave people alone, and they get their gay bathrobes in a bunch.

Fuck these assholes.

I wish they had banned the fucking movie. It's probably going to suck anyway. It would have been a hoot to see all these whiney fucks in the internet complaining about how repressive Singapore is. If only these voices were questioning the need to spend 15% of the national budget on fucking defence, but I hope for too much.

Blasphemy: A Victimless Crime.