Chapter 1
1. And the word of God did flow through the fingers of Hades, and God was pleased.
2. And God did remark, 'thine previous rant against the self important pricks of the world doth please me. It is good and I doth like it. Now shalt thou rant against the religious fundy dumbfucks of this world. Go give 'em hell, son!'
3. And Hades did obey the Lord, for he did not have a choice now, did he?
4. And God's Word did flow through the fingers of Hades onto his beautiful Macbook.
5. And God was well pleased.
Chapter 2 To the Fundy zealots
1. The Lord God, in all his infinite wisdom and love created thee out of nothing, and look at the kind of asshattery thou doest engage in.
2. The Lord doth not need thy slavish worshipping, and really doth not give a shit whether thou turneth up at thy place of worship on Sunday.
3. If thou thinketh that I think any different of thee cause thou sinneth all week and just turneth up to say sorry for one day, thou art fucking mistaken.
4. For the Lord brooketh no shit from anyone, and if thou screweth up, thou shalt get thine ass kicked.
5. Look at thou, 'reaching out' to thy fellow man, corrupting them with the fruits of thine own fuckedupness. Doth thou haveth no shame? Doth thou not realise that thy faith is simply a crutch that thou thinketh thou needst, but actually thou canst do perfectly well without it?
6. For eons, I have seen thee running around, fucking everything up in spades. For generations thou hast persecuted those that were beloved to me.
7. For verily I am not thy God, for thy allegiance is to the Deceiver.
8. For verily thou art in league with Satan, for who else could come up a system this devoid of rationality? Who else but Satan needs minions to slavishly worship him?
9. Thou hast made thy choice, and in doing so, hath made thy presence on earth like a pestilence, breeding like there is no tomorrow.
10. Who else but thine Blood God would demand that thou turneth up every Sunday to worship his insecure ass?
11. Doth thou not realise that thou art a fucking fool to give part of thine hard earned money to build thine overpriced places of worship, when that money could be better used to finding a fucking cancer cure, for fuck's sake.
12. Thy steeples and mega-auditoriums do fill me with loathing, as I see nothing but waste and arrogance. Dost thou really think I care about thou fucks spending 50 million dollars on a building to worship me? Who else but Satan could have moved your empty skulls to think up that concept?
13. For verily thine heads are empty, and the Deceiver doth love the fact that there is plenty of room in there for all his little minions.
14. And he doth use you for his pleasure.
15. The day thou did thinketh that thou foundeth "Jesus" was the day that Satan moved into the vast, empty regions in thy fucking skulls. For Jesus would never ask thee to give him protection money. Jesus would never ask thee to build him billion dollar auditoria. And Jesus would never, ever ask thee to throw logic out of the window and support stupid causes like 'Creation science' and 'prayer in schools'
16. Jesus doth think thy fuckstickery is an embarrassment to him, and wishes thou not use his name to spread thy vile theology about.
17. But Satan feels thy stupidity suits him just fine, and he doth use thee for his ends, and thou art too fucked in the head to realise it.
18. And just as you sow so shalt you reap when the time comes.
19. There is no eternal reward waiting for thee for verily, Hell has been prepared by Satan for those he calls his own.
20. And thine punishment shalt indeed be spending eternity in the company of Jerry Falwell and Tammy Fae Baker while thine smart neighbours do get ninety nine choice porn channels for their own viewing pleasure, and thou shalt indeed go insane.
21. Fie on thee, who think that thine fucked, warped, assfuckingbackwards worldview is actually a way to know me.
22. Fie on thee who think that thou canst say 'Thou shalt not kill' and go about killing abortion doctors.
23. As for those of you who think 'creation science' is science, the Lord doth laugh at thee, and at thy pathetic attempts at science.
24. And if thou dost thinketh that God wanteth thou to go about showing thine ass in the name of your Lord, then great shalt be thine embarrassment as thou shalt show thyself to be a fuckstick, and the world shalt indeed laugh at thee.
Chapter 2: And God's Plan for Them
1. Thou havest been given two ears and a mouth, so thou shalt hear twice as much as thou speakest.
2. So shut the fuck up for fuck's sake and listen to the word of God.
3. First, and foremost, acknowledge thine stupidity, and do know that ignorance is not a point of view.
4. And certainly, do not revel in stupidity. How fucked up art thou, to think that being ignorant is a virtue!
5. Woe unto those who think they know what God wants, because all He wants is to be left the fuck alone.
6. God does not want thee to go about being an annoying hole of an ass. If thou dost insist on being one, then god would rather that thou do it in thine own name and not sully the most holy name of Mike.
7. Thou shalt not disturb the Muslims and the Jews. The Hindus, Buddhists and the atheists also shalt thou not bother, because Mike is all loving and all generous, and accepts all those who seek him.
8. Mike also doth have a sense of humour and doth think that those who starve for a month just to please him are a hoot. At least then they're not bombing large buildings or setting off car bombs.
7. Thou shalt bring a sick child to a fucking doctor and not pray over it, for God doth loathe he who insists on being a retarded hillbilly.
8. Did thou not understand the reason why god created doctors? It is so that thou shalt get healed. God got out of the healing business a damn fucking long time ago.
9. Thou shalt not listen to stupid songs by Hillsong or Hossanna! for indeed those sounds are from the fiery pits of hell. Listen to some real good shit for crying out loud!
10. Behold how thou dost go about screaming in tongues. Surely thou dost not think this be the language of God! Surely only Satan is capable of such corruption of God's awesome gift of speech.
11. If thou doth insist on praying in tongues, then the Lord shalt indeed answer thine prayers by sending electric bolts up thine asses. Because indeed that is what the Lord interprets them to be.
12. And Satan shalt indeed gloat as to how easy it is to find acolytes to do his bidding.
13. The poor and the hungry do not need thy fucking prayers. They need food and drink.
14. Thou shalt not head thine ass to piss poor nations and try to spread thy vile beliefs to them.
15. And thou certainly shalt not press a sammich into the hands of a piss poor native in exchange of a blood oath to believe that I died to save his ass.
16. Such actions will bring thy god, Satan many converts into his bloodsoaked faith, but they are repugnant to me, and I do look on them with loathing.
17. And thy god, Satan shalt indeed be pleased because mindless actions by automatons doth please him.
18. But do remember this, that thine fate is tied with thine god's. IF thou dost choose Satan over me, then thou dost deserve all thou getteth, including penis clamps and other BDSM paraphernalia.
19. God then looked at Hades, and sighed, 'Art thou done with this one yet? My beloved creation doth rebel against me in every way, and Satan doth grow envious of my creation, and doth everything in his power to fuck it up as much as possible. If thou are not done by next week I shalt have to destroy the world and try again.
20. And Hades did type away furiously and the Word of God flowed from his fingers, and it was good.
This book to be continued
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Letter from St. Hades to the Imbeciles
1. This is the word of Mike through his servant and master, Hades, hereby known as St. Hades, Patron Saint of the Totally Fucked.
2. For god so loved thou dumbfucks he keepeth trying and trying to make thee see some common sense but thou doth continue in thy fuckstickery.
3. For the Lord thy God is a patient Lord, and despite thou pissing him off at every turn, he doth pity thine ignorant ass and wants to help thee.
4. Be not afraid, because the words may be harsh, but it is for thine own good.
5. And Hades wrote, and wrote, and God was well pleased.
6. And god did guide Hades' hand, and the words that flowed were good.
7. God did remark,' doth thou not seeth thy fellow man in distress? Look at them, Hades. Look at them sitting on their asses and watching American Idol. Look at them going out and purchasing LaZ-Boys so they do not even have to get up to get their pizza. Look at the world Hades, and tell me it is not fucked up. Thou shalt indeed write to these people.'
8. And Hades did reply, 'Show me a sign Lord. Let me know what to write about'.
9. And God did shew him Xiaxue's blog, and the blog of Metrosexual Me The website of a hundred different fat emo kids did the Lord shew Hades.
10. Hades did remark, 'Holy jumping jackshit!' and felt a great sadness and remarked, 'I shalt do what I must to rid these fevered egos that taint our collective unconscious (tm. Bill Hicks). Let me at 'em Lord!"
11. And god was well pleased.
Chapter 2: Thine words are shit, the Lord said so.
1. The word of God is good because it showeth thee how dumb thou art.
2. Thou bloggers who bloggeth about every fucking thing on the planet. Stop, and look at thy world. Just because thy life is boring and bland doth not give thee the right to brag about it to everyone. Thou art not the only one to whom shit happeneth. The Lord distributeth shit evenly and if it happeneth to you, find a way round it and quit bitching.
3. For who in the world giveth a rat's ass whether thy new jeans fit thee or not?
4. Thine ass is for thine own keeping. There is no need for thee to put up pictures of it online.
5. If thou doest put up pictures, at least make sure thine ass is worth looking at.
6. For ugly asses are an iniquity unto the Lord and it doth make him ill to look at it.
7. The Lord thy God gave thee thy body so that thou mayest use it to do good in the world, not to show to the world thy pathetic purchases.
8. For verily, thy face aint no Monica Belluci.
9. Remember thou, that thy opinions only carry weight when thou canst logically justify them. Just becuase thou thought up shit doesn't make thee smart.
10. Nor does it give thee the right to fill the internet with the vapid outpourings of thy microcephalic crania.
11. Oh woe unto thee who blog about thine cat, because the world ought to kick thy whiny self important ass from here to eternity. Woe unto them who put up music in thy blogs, for their music is surely inspired by the Deciever.
12. For doth they not listen to Ashlee Simpson or Nelly?
13. Thine opinions don't matter one fucking bit, so shut the fuck up, for fuck's sake. For is it not said, that empty vessels maketh the most noise?
14. Thine outpourings of mindless crap are indeed the one thing that preventeth thy evolution on to the next stage, and it doth make the Lord furious that thou are too fucked up to realise that. The noise thy flea-brains make rattling in that skull doth fill me with loathing.
15. Behold, how thou worshippeth Xiaxue. Behold how thou insisteth that people who writeth nothing but stories about whom they get lucky with writeth like William Wordsworth. Doth thou haveth no shame? Doth thou think that thine experience warranteth anything more than utter ridicule and contempt?
16. I did not say that thou shalt not have freedom to write what thou wanteth. But remember though, that I too have the freedom to laugh at thy asses and sneer at thee, and I shalt verily, do both in full measure.
17. For thou art truly the most biggest imbecile cumbubble to stick thine head into the world. For is it not said, thy wheel doth turneth, but the hamster is dead?
18. Thy brain is empty of logic, thus every thought that flies in one ear flies out the other because there is nothing in between to stop it. And thou dost rebel against me by wearing thy ignorance as a badge of honour.
19. And thou dost spell like a retarded ape because thou thinketh it soundeth fucking cool, but verily God doth say thou soundeth like the ignorant hole of an ass that thou art, and he doth pity thee greatly.
20. And thou dost think that thou doth need meaningless affirmation from thy inbred friends who are as fucked up as thou art.
21. Thou thinketh it's fucking cool to put up lyrics to meaningless horseshit songs sung by sister-fucking Alabama rednecks, and thy friends shall think thou art a deep soul when thine genepool is shallow as thine intellect.
22. Verily, thou art the tool of satan, for only the Deciever is capable of such meaningless bullshit. Thou hast sold thy soul for thy fifteen minutes of fame and thine ass doth belong to him for eternity.
23. And mightily shall Satan roast thine ass for it doth deserve an asswhupping.
24. For the Lord thy God doth allow thee to be an asshat, because he gave thee brains to do what thou pleaseth, but he shalt not brook any bullshit from no one. If thou persisteth in thy asshatness, then thou shalt be rewarded with an asswhupping thou richly deserveth.
Chapter 3: On Emos
1. And the Lord did say, 'Look thou at those emos. Watch how they wander about aimlessly, thinking that the world careth about their shitty emotions. Don't thou think they look fucking stupid in their emo glasses and their stupid teeshirts?'
2. Mike's wrath doth waxed hot and he thundered, 'I shalt wipe them out of the face of this earth for indeed they are a blot. They sully all that is good, and their smell doth fill me with loathing. The fury of the Lord shalt be unleashed on these vermin and the world shalt watch their fate and be filled with dread!
3. And Hades did reply, 'Forgive them Lord, for they think they know what they are doing. They are ignorant, and they doth think they are different, but are all the same'.
4. 'They doth want to be seekers of attention of their fellow man, yet they claim to spurn it. Verily, have thou seeneth such a fucked up mind? Do have mercy lord for they doth need it.
5. And Hades did say unto the Lord, 'Furthermore, they are a great source of delight unto me and unto you.
6. 'Behold, how they listen to the sound of windchimes, and do think it is a musical instrument.
7. 'And forsooth, don't they not think their lives are miserable and pathetic? So why should we not give them what they want? For verily, they want to be treated like shit, so they shalt be treated like shit.'
8. 'For is it not said, he who listeneth to Avril of Lavigne and thinketh his life is pathetic, doth deserve nothing but contempt?
9. 'Doth such a person have testicles? Surely the Lord in his infinite wisdom has ensured that their fuckedupness remains with them and shall not spread like the foul bacteria whose intelligence they seem to have?
10. 'Emos haveth no self esteem so it mattereth not that thou clobbereth them over their heads with blackjacks, nor doth passing high voltage shocks fill anyone with pity.
11. 'For they seek attention, so shalt they get attention
12. 'Verily they are on this planet for thine and mine entertainment and pleasure, so Lord I beseech thee to spare them thine wrath, and laugh at their sorry asses, and let us together hunt emos for sport.'
13. And the Lord did heed Hades's counsel for it was good. He did look down upon their gloomy white faces, their tousled hair and sad, pale countenances and smiled. And God did say to Hades, 'Now watch son, as I taketh the fat one down with mine thunderbolt'.
14. And Hades was well pleased.
(Writers note: Hunting emos is a great way to relieve stress, even better than yoga, or pilates or any of that crap. No innocent animals would be harmed and those that are hunted want to die anyway, so there is no real loss, really.)
2. For god so loved thou dumbfucks he keepeth trying and trying to make thee see some common sense but thou doth continue in thy fuckstickery.
3. For the Lord thy God is a patient Lord, and despite thou pissing him off at every turn, he doth pity thine ignorant ass and wants to help thee.
4. Be not afraid, because the words may be harsh, but it is for thine own good.
5. And Hades wrote, and wrote, and God was well pleased.
6. And god did guide Hades' hand, and the words that flowed were good.
7. God did remark,' doth thou not seeth thy fellow man in distress? Look at them, Hades. Look at them sitting on their asses and watching American Idol. Look at them going out and purchasing LaZ-Boys so they do not even have to get up to get their pizza. Look at the world Hades, and tell me it is not fucked up. Thou shalt indeed write to these people.'
8. And Hades did reply, 'Show me a sign Lord. Let me know what to write about'.
9. And God did shew him Xiaxue's blog, and the blog of Metrosexual Me The website of a hundred different fat emo kids did the Lord shew Hades.
10. Hades did remark, 'Holy jumping jackshit!' and felt a great sadness and remarked, 'I shalt do what I must to rid these fevered egos that taint our collective unconscious (tm. Bill Hicks). Let me at 'em Lord!"
11. And god was well pleased.
Chapter 2: Thine words are shit, the Lord said so.
1. The word of God is good because it showeth thee how dumb thou art.
2. Thou bloggers who bloggeth about every fucking thing on the planet. Stop, and look at thy world. Just because thy life is boring and bland doth not give thee the right to brag about it to everyone. Thou art not the only one to whom shit happeneth. The Lord distributeth shit evenly and if it happeneth to you, find a way round it and quit bitching.
3. For who in the world giveth a rat's ass whether thy new jeans fit thee or not?
4. Thine ass is for thine own keeping. There is no need for thee to put up pictures of it online.
5. If thou doest put up pictures, at least make sure thine ass is worth looking at.
6. For ugly asses are an iniquity unto the Lord and it doth make him ill to look at it.
7. The Lord thy God gave thee thy body so that thou mayest use it to do good in the world, not to show to the world thy pathetic purchases.
8. For verily, thy face aint no Monica Belluci.
9. Remember thou, that thy opinions only carry weight when thou canst logically justify them. Just becuase thou thought up shit doesn't make thee smart.
10. Nor does it give thee the right to fill the internet with the vapid outpourings of thy microcephalic crania.
11. Oh woe unto thee who blog about thine cat, because the world ought to kick thy whiny self important ass from here to eternity. Woe unto them who put up music in thy blogs, for their music is surely inspired by the Deciever.
12. For doth they not listen to Ashlee Simpson or Nelly?
13. Thine opinions don't matter one fucking bit, so shut the fuck up, for fuck's sake. For is it not said, that empty vessels maketh the most noise?
14. Thine outpourings of mindless crap are indeed the one thing that preventeth thy evolution on to the next stage, and it doth make the Lord furious that thou are too fucked up to realise that. The noise thy flea-brains make rattling in that skull doth fill me with loathing.
15. Behold, how thou worshippeth Xiaxue. Behold how thou insisteth that people who writeth nothing but stories about whom they get lucky with writeth like William Wordsworth. Doth thou haveth no shame? Doth thou think that thine experience warranteth anything more than utter ridicule and contempt?
16. I did not say that thou shalt not have freedom to write what thou wanteth. But remember though, that I too have the freedom to laugh at thy asses and sneer at thee, and I shalt verily, do both in full measure.
17. For thou art truly the most biggest imbecile cumbubble to stick thine head into the world. For is it not said, thy wheel doth turneth, but the hamster is dead?
18. Thy brain is empty of logic, thus every thought that flies in one ear flies out the other because there is nothing in between to stop it. And thou dost rebel against me by wearing thy ignorance as a badge of honour.
19. And thou dost spell like a retarded ape because thou thinketh it soundeth fucking cool, but verily God doth say thou soundeth like the ignorant hole of an ass that thou art, and he doth pity thee greatly.
20. And thou dost think that thou doth need meaningless affirmation from thy inbred friends who are as fucked up as thou art.
21. Thou thinketh it's fucking cool to put up lyrics to meaningless horseshit songs sung by sister-fucking Alabama rednecks, and thy friends shall think thou art a deep soul when thine genepool is shallow as thine intellect.
22. Verily, thou art the tool of satan, for only the Deciever is capable of such meaningless bullshit. Thou hast sold thy soul for thy fifteen minutes of fame and thine ass doth belong to him for eternity.
23. And mightily shall Satan roast thine ass for it doth deserve an asswhupping.
24. For the Lord thy God doth allow thee to be an asshat, because he gave thee brains to do what thou pleaseth, but he shalt not brook any bullshit from no one. If thou persisteth in thy asshatness, then thou shalt be rewarded with an asswhupping thou richly deserveth.
Chapter 3: On Emos
1. And the Lord did say, 'Look thou at those emos. Watch how they wander about aimlessly, thinking that the world careth about their shitty emotions. Don't thou think they look fucking stupid in their emo glasses and their stupid teeshirts?'
2. Mike's wrath doth waxed hot and he thundered, 'I shalt wipe them out of the face of this earth for indeed they are a blot. They sully all that is good, and their smell doth fill me with loathing. The fury of the Lord shalt be unleashed on these vermin and the world shalt watch their fate and be filled with dread!
3. And Hades did reply, 'Forgive them Lord, for they think they know what they are doing. They are ignorant, and they doth think they are different, but are all the same'.
4. 'They doth want to be seekers of attention of their fellow man, yet they claim to spurn it. Verily, have thou seeneth such a fucked up mind? Do have mercy lord for they doth need it.
5. And Hades did say unto the Lord, 'Furthermore, they are a great source of delight unto me and unto you.
6. 'Behold, how they listen to the sound of windchimes, and do think it is a musical instrument.
7. 'And forsooth, don't they not think their lives are miserable and pathetic? So why should we not give them what they want? For verily, they want to be treated like shit, so they shalt be treated like shit.'
8. 'For is it not said, he who listeneth to Avril of Lavigne and thinketh his life is pathetic, doth deserve nothing but contempt?
9. 'Doth such a person have testicles? Surely the Lord in his infinite wisdom has ensured that their fuckedupness remains with them and shall not spread like the foul bacteria whose intelligence they seem to have?
10. 'Emos haveth no self esteem so it mattereth not that thou clobbereth them over their heads with blackjacks, nor doth passing high voltage shocks fill anyone with pity.
11. 'For they seek attention, so shalt they get attention
12. 'Verily they are on this planet for thine and mine entertainment and pleasure, so Lord I beseech thee to spare them thine wrath, and laugh at their sorry asses, and let us together hunt emos for sport.'
13. And the Lord did heed Hades's counsel for it was good. He did look down upon their gloomy white faces, their tousled hair and sad, pale countenances and smiled. And God did say to Hades, 'Now watch son, as I taketh the fat one down with mine thunderbolt'.
14. And Hades was well pleased.
(Writers note: Hunting emos is a great way to relieve stress, even better than yoga, or pilates or any of that crap. No innocent animals would be harmed and those that are hunted want to die anyway, so there is no real loss, really.)
Thursday, September 21, 2006
The Book of Numerals
This is the word of God, Mike according to his servant and master, Hades (Inspired by http://thewaronfaith.com)
Chapter 1. God's words of comfort to the weak and fallen.
1. And God did speak, 'Hades!'
2. And Hades did reply, 'No. I have done two books for thee, and that should be enough for thy flock to handle for the next month. Leave me the fuck alone. I quit'.
3. God replied, 'How dare you say that when thy fellow man is wallowing in the filth of ignorance? Don't thou knoweth that 70% of thy compatriots believe in angels and fairies?! Have they gone fucking insane? Doth thou not know that 60% think they know how I created the world? Doth thou realise that right now, somewhere someone is breeding without contraception because their shaman said contraception is against me?! We have a long task ahead of us, thou fuckwit'.
4. Hades did retort, 'Why me?! I find this task too difficult for me Lord. The sheep bleat away, and my ears do tire of that sound. My eyes see nothing but fuckstickery around and my nose doth smell the rotting aroma of their bull feces laden thoughts. I am tired Lord, and the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.'
5. The Lord God is a persistent little fucker who must have his way, laid a hand on Hades's shoulder and did shew him with nude photos of Mother Teresa.
6. 'Thou art a piece of shit, God!' cried Hades, from the foetal position. 'Thanks to thee my staff doth wither and look ill and I shalt never be the same again. Is this how thou thanketh my efforts? Is this how thou mocketh me?'
7. God did smile and say, 'Do not fret my son, and behold my miracles! Let there be Google, and let there be 'Hot Asian Teens'.'
8. Hades replied, 'Uhmm.. you must be thinking of someone else...'.
9. God did reply, 'Hades, I am God. Don't fuck with me. Now wilt thou get going already? The world's inherent fuckedupness is filling me with loathing and my patience doth grow thin.
10. 'So hurry up already, and write like thou haveth never writteneth before.
11. Hades said, 'Okay Lord, I shalt be thine mouthpiece. May I upgrade mine computer at least? It is old and slow, and it is ill and it is unworthy, a pill of dung begat by the evil Bill of Gates and his Micro Soft tool. Typing such a monumental work would indeed send it to that great trash heap in the sky. If thou but givest me me good tools, I shall do thine bidding.
12. God was well pleased. He said, 'Let there be American Express. Now go get 'em, and put it on my account'.
13. Hades was well pleased, and did grin. Credit Card begat Apple Macbook. Apple Macbook begat wordprocessing software. Software begat words and phrases and coherent sentences and one billion shitbloggers begat a heartattack. And Steve Jobs was well pleased.
14. And inspired by the word of God, Hades soldiered on, caring not about sleep or food until the work that was so gloriously began by others before him was finished.
14. Thus did God come to the aid of his faithful servant at a time of doubt and pain. Strange indeed, are the ways of the Lord. Praise be to Mike, and praise his poor buttslave, Hades.
Chapter 2. God's Love for Mankind
1. For god so loved all thou ungrateful fucks that he hath decided to come by one more time, to try to make thee see the error of thy ways.
2. So shut the fuck up already and pay attention thou insignificant piece of shite, for in this book God shalt try to lay down the rules and guidelines for thou to lead thine life by so when thou diest, thou at least diest without pissing me off too much.
3. Do not worship the Lord your God, for the Lord doth find your slavish worshipping and mindless prayers unsettling.
4. God doth think your prayers are a result of thine ego getting the better of thee in thinking that just because thou showeth thine ass in thy church every Sunday, God should somehow give a shit about thee.
5. How dare dost thou think that god giveth a flying fuck about thy pathetic football game? Or for that matter the results of thy test? Did thou not practice? Did thou not study? So why the fuck doth thou expect God to do jackshit?
6. Thy fat ass is thine own fault because thou did not know when to stop eating.
7. Doth thou really think that God hath the fucking time to worry about how thou did partake in nothing but pizza and beer for months thus resulting in thou resembling a fucking Good Year Blimp, and contracting coronary heart disease? God doth say, Fuck thee.
8. If prayer worked then God would have to be fucking busy, satisfying the whims and fancies of six fucking billion of thee. Dost thou really think God hath nothing better to do with his time? Dost though know how many fucking universes God hath to give a shite about, apart from your pathetic little planet? So shut the fuck up for fuck's sake.
9. The first rule of Mike is, 'Verily shalt thou not offer meaningless prayers to god, for it is an iniquity. Thou shalt do what thou art capable of, and quit bitching. God hath better things to do than mind thy stupid ass'. Keep that in mind all the fucking time.
10. The Lord God is a benevolent being and not the crazy, insecure whiny dictator thou maketh him out to be. He doth not give a shit whether you believe he existeth or not or whether thou sacrificeth a goat for him or not. He gave you a brain to fucking challenge everything thou seeth so use it for crying out loud. Take thine holier-than-thou sanctimonious ass somewhere else. It is an iniquity unto the Lord and he doth loathe it.
11. Mike also sayeth, 'Thou hast no right to speak for Mike'. Mike can speak for himself thank you very much. Thou shalt not claim to know what Mike wants. Thou shalt not pretend that Mike speaks to thee. Mike hates speaking to ignorant fucksticks and thinks thou art full of shit. Mike only speaketh to individuals who have shown the ability for rational thinking, and women. Because Mike doth love an intelligent conversation and he doth collect designer shoes.
12. If thou persisteth in thy folly, Mike shalt sic Cthulhu onto thee.
13. Is it not said, God loveth thee but Cthulhu thinketh thou wilt make a nice sandwich?
14. If thou wanteth to worship Mike, go right ahead. God doth not mind that thou art an ignorant cockspit but thou shalt not wear that ignorance like a badge of honour, nor shalt thou act holier-than-thou when talking to thine co-workers. If thine co-workers disagree with thee, thou shalt not claim to be persecuted. Thou art a fuckblintz and thou deserveth to be treated like a fuckblintz.
15. For verily, the greatest commandment is, 'Thou shalt keep thine religion to thy damn self'. Which part of that doth thou not understand?
15. Thy pathetic attempts at asking me for healing are an affrontery to Mike's awesome powers. I do not heal colds, nor do I treat metastasised cancer. I did create doctors for a fucking reason so go see them. God is not a 24-hour free hospital.
16. If thy shaman sayeth he has healed the sick in my name, he lieth. God doth not provide miracles for ego-boosts.
13. Lastly, always remember, thou art on this planet for a lifetime, so use it for thine benefit and not to serve Mike. Mike is God. He don't need no servicing. Serve thine fellow man so when thou croaketh, thou shalt be satisfied with thine existence. That is all I ask of thee.
Chapter 3: God's gift of Forgiveness.
1. 'God did not die for your sins. God cannot die because he is well, God goddammit.
2. 'How fucked up art thou that thou kept killing god's messengers and then turned it into a symbol to worship the Lord.
3. 'Doth thou truly think that God wanted thee to kill Jesus? Didst thou not find his message of peace and love offensive? Thou art fucked up in the head if thou thinketh even for one moment I sent myself to get killed by thou fuckers.
4. 'God commandeth you to quit asking for forgiveness for polishing thy rod. If thou jerketh off it is wholesome, it is good. Thou mayest like to know, God created thine organ for pleasure, and thou art allowed to use it for pleasure.
5. 'Sufficeth to say, the other great commandment is, 'Do what the fuck thou liketh, as long as what thou doeth does not mess with the affairs of others'.
6. 'Thy neighbour's house and wife thou mayest covet but shall not touch. Unless thy neighbour is an asshole, in which case thou mayest only covet his wife.
7. 'Thou may covet thine neighbour's ass but thou had better ask permission before thou placeth anything in it for butt-rape is an iniquity in the eyes of the Lord.
8. 'Thou shalt not give a damn if thine neighbour believes in a different version of me than you. Thou shalt not 'reach out' to him and pester him day and night with falsehoods about me. Thou shalt remember to keep thy fucking mouth shut unless invited to speak.
9. 'My forgiveness is unconditional and not dependent on believing whether thy forefathers nailed me to two bits of wood or not. They were goatfuckers and they smelt like bait. If thou listeneth to those people thou art truly fucked in the head. Thy brain is laden with dung, and it doth fill me with loathing.
10. 'If thou transgresseth, thou shalt be punished twice, once for breaking God's sacred commandment, and again for being an ignorant fuckstick. But thou shalt not suffer eternal damnation nor shall thou suffer from purgatory because the Lord is a God of forgiveness. Remember that thou existeth out of my unconditional love or else thou and thy ilk would have become extinct a long time ago.'
11. And God turned to Hades and said, 'dost thou think there is hope for the world? I worry for the fate of this planet. Not many planets I run is so overrun with utter dickwads and assholes. Maybe I should just wipe the whole slate clean and start again'.
12. Hades did say, 'do not say so Lord for thine work is not without fruit. Did it not gladden thine heart that Al Gore's book on global warming become a best seller? Did it not fill thee with joy to see movies like V for Vendetta do well in the box office? Does it not make thee smile that Mr. Brown in Singapore continues to attract millions of supporters from the world over? When Tom DeLay died, did thou not whoop with joy? Now the tide is changing as that utter fuckwad Thaksin has been tossed out on his ass. We have hope yet, Lord. Be not discouraged and know that I am with thee'
13. And God did smile.
Chapter 1. God's words of comfort to the weak and fallen.
1. And God did speak, 'Hades!'
2. And Hades did reply, 'No. I have done two books for thee, and that should be enough for thy flock to handle for the next month. Leave me the fuck alone. I quit'.
3. God replied, 'How dare you say that when thy fellow man is wallowing in the filth of ignorance? Don't thou knoweth that 70% of thy compatriots believe in angels and fairies?! Have they gone fucking insane? Doth thou not know that 60% think they know how I created the world? Doth thou realise that right now, somewhere someone is breeding without contraception because their shaman said contraception is against me?! We have a long task ahead of us, thou fuckwit'.
4. Hades did retort, 'Why me?! I find this task too difficult for me Lord. The sheep bleat away, and my ears do tire of that sound. My eyes see nothing but fuckstickery around and my nose doth smell the rotting aroma of their bull feces laden thoughts. I am tired Lord, and the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.'
5. The Lord God is a persistent little fucker who must have his way, laid a hand on Hades's shoulder and did shew him with nude photos of Mother Teresa.
6. 'Thou art a piece of shit, God!' cried Hades, from the foetal position. 'Thanks to thee my staff doth wither and look ill and I shalt never be the same again. Is this how thou thanketh my efforts? Is this how thou mocketh me?'
7. God did smile and say, 'Do not fret my son, and behold my miracles! Let there be Google, and let there be 'Hot Asian Teens'.'
8. Hades replied, 'Uhmm.. you must be thinking of someone else...'.
9. God did reply, 'Hades, I am God. Don't fuck with me. Now wilt thou get going already? The world's inherent fuckedupness is filling me with loathing and my patience doth grow thin.
10. 'So hurry up already, and write like thou haveth never writteneth before.
11. Hades said, 'Okay Lord, I shalt be thine mouthpiece. May I upgrade mine computer at least? It is old and slow, and it is ill and it is unworthy, a pill of dung begat by the evil Bill of Gates and his Micro Soft tool. Typing such a monumental work would indeed send it to that great trash heap in the sky. If thou but givest me me good tools, I shall do thine bidding.
12. God was well pleased. He said, 'Let there be American Express. Now go get 'em, and put it on my account'.
13. Hades was well pleased, and did grin. Credit Card begat Apple Macbook. Apple Macbook begat wordprocessing software. Software begat words and phrases and coherent sentences and one billion shitbloggers begat a heartattack. And Steve Jobs was well pleased.
14. And inspired by the word of God, Hades soldiered on, caring not about sleep or food until the work that was so gloriously began by others before him was finished.
14. Thus did God come to the aid of his faithful servant at a time of doubt and pain. Strange indeed, are the ways of the Lord. Praise be to Mike, and praise his poor buttslave, Hades.
Chapter 2. God's Love for Mankind
1. For god so loved all thou ungrateful fucks that he hath decided to come by one more time, to try to make thee see the error of thy ways.
2. So shut the fuck up already and pay attention thou insignificant piece of shite, for in this book God shalt try to lay down the rules and guidelines for thou to lead thine life by so when thou diest, thou at least diest without pissing me off too much.
3. Do not worship the Lord your God, for the Lord doth find your slavish worshipping and mindless prayers unsettling.
4. God doth think your prayers are a result of thine ego getting the better of thee in thinking that just because thou showeth thine ass in thy church every Sunday, God should somehow give a shit about thee.
5. How dare dost thou think that god giveth a flying fuck about thy pathetic football game? Or for that matter the results of thy test? Did thou not practice? Did thou not study? So why the fuck doth thou expect God to do jackshit?
6. Thy fat ass is thine own fault because thou did not know when to stop eating.
7. Doth thou really think that God hath the fucking time to worry about how thou did partake in nothing but pizza and beer for months thus resulting in thou resembling a fucking Good Year Blimp, and contracting coronary heart disease? God doth say, Fuck thee.
8. If prayer worked then God would have to be fucking busy, satisfying the whims and fancies of six fucking billion of thee. Dost thou really think God hath nothing better to do with his time? Dost though know how many fucking universes God hath to give a shite about, apart from your pathetic little planet? So shut the fuck up for fuck's sake.
9. The first rule of Mike is, 'Verily shalt thou not offer meaningless prayers to god, for it is an iniquity. Thou shalt do what thou art capable of, and quit bitching. God hath better things to do than mind thy stupid ass'. Keep that in mind all the fucking time.
10. The Lord God is a benevolent being and not the crazy, insecure whiny dictator thou maketh him out to be. He doth not give a shit whether you believe he existeth or not or whether thou sacrificeth a goat for him or not. He gave you a brain to fucking challenge everything thou seeth so use it for crying out loud. Take thine holier-than-thou sanctimonious ass somewhere else. It is an iniquity unto the Lord and he doth loathe it.
11. Mike also sayeth, 'Thou hast no right to speak for Mike'. Mike can speak for himself thank you very much. Thou shalt not claim to know what Mike wants. Thou shalt not pretend that Mike speaks to thee. Mike hates speaking to ignorant fucksticks and thinks thou art full of shit. Mike only speaketh to individuals who have shown the ability for rational thinking, and women. Because Mike doth love an intelligent conversation and he doth collect designer shoes.
12. If thou persisteth in thy folly, Mike shalt sic Cthulhu onto thee.
13. Is it not said, God loveth thee but Cthulhu thinketh thou wilt make a nice sandwich?
14. If thou wanteth to worship Mike, go right ahead. God doth not mind that thou art an ignorant cockspit but thou shalt not wear that ignorance like a badge of honour, nor shalt thou act holier-than-thou when talking to thine co-workers. If thine co-workers disagree with thee, thou shalt not claim to be persecuted. Thou art a fuckblintz and thou deserveth to be treated like a fuckblintz.
15. For verily, the greatest commandment is, 'Thou shalt keep thine religion to thy damn self'. Which part of that doth thou not understand?
15. Thy pathetic attempts at asking me for healing are an affrontery to Mike's awesome powers. I do not heal colds, nor do I treat metastasised cancer. I did create doctors for a fucking reason so go see them. God is not a 24-hour free hospital.
16. If thy shaman sayeth he has healed the sick in my name, he lieth. God doth not provide miracles for ego-boosts.
13. Lastly, always remember, thou art on this planet for a lifetime, so use it for thine benefit and not to serve Mike. Mike is God. He don't need no servicing. Serve thine fellow man so when thou croaketh, thou shalt be satisfied with thine existence. That is all I ask of thee.
Chapter 3: God's gift of Forgiveness.
1. 'God did not die for your sins. God cannot die because he is well, God goddammit.
2. 'How fucked up art thou that thou kept killing god's messengers and then turned it into a symbol to worship the Lord.
3. 'Doth thou truly think that God wanted thee to kill Jesus? Didst thou not find his message of peace and love offensive? Thou art fucked up in the head if thou thinketh even for one moment I sent myself to get killed by thou fuckers.
4. 'God commandeth you to quit asking for forgiveness for polishing thy rod. If thou jerketh off it is wholesome, it is good. Thou mayest like to know, God created thine organ for pleasure, and thou art allowed to use it for pleasure.
5. 'Sufficeth to say, the other great commandment is, 'Do what the fuck thou liketh, as long as what thou doeth does not mess with the affairs of others'.
6. 'Thy neighbour's house and wife thou mayest covet but shall not touch. Unless thy neighbour is an asshole, in which case thou mayest only covet his wife.
7. 'Thou may covet thine neighbour's ass but thou had better ask permission before thou placeth anything in it for butt-rape is an iniquity in the eyes of the Lord.
8. 'Thou shalt not give a damn if thine neighbour believes in a different version of me than you. Thou shalt not 'reach out' to him and pester him day and night with falsehoods about me. Thou shalt remember to keep thy fucking mouth shut unless invited to speak.
9. 'My forgiveness is unconditional and not dependent on believing whether thy forefathers nailed me to two bits of wood or not. They were goatfuckers and they smelt like bait. If thou listeneth to those people thou art truly fucked in the head. Thy brain is laden with dung, and it doth fill me with loathing.
10. 'If thou transgresseth, thou shalt be punished twice, once for breaking God's sacred commandment, and again for being an ignorant fuckstick. But thou shalt not suffer eternal damnation nor shall thou suffer from purgatory because the Lord is a God of forgiveness. Remember that thou existeth out of my unconditional love or else thou and thy ilk would have become extinct a long time ago.'
11. And God turned to Hades and said, 'dost thou think there is hope for the world? I worry for the fate of this planet. Not many planets I run is so overrun with utter dickwads and assholes. Maybe I should just wipe the whole slate clean and start again'.
12. Hades did say, 'do not say so Lord for thine work is not without fruit. Did it not gladden thine heart that Al Gore's book on global warming become a best seller? Did it not fill thee with joy to see movies like V for Vendetta do well in the box office? Does it not make thee smile that Mr. Brown in Singapore continues to attract millions of supporters from the world over? When Tom DeLay died, did thou not whoop with joy? Now the tide is changing as that utter fuckwad Thaksin has been tossed out on his ass. We have hope yet, Lord. Be not discouraged and know that I am with thee'
13. And God did smile.
Friday, September 15, 2006
The Book of Exorcists
1. This is written in God's hand by his own servant and master, Hades.
2. Let it be known first of all, that these stories are purely fictional. Any fuckwad who starts quoting this shit like they quote Noah's Ark from the Bible is a fucking idiot. The creation story from the previous chapter too is purely allegorical. IF you didn't get that, go away and never come back. There is a special place in hell for you cockspits.
3. God has decided, in his somewhat infinite wisdom, to speak in stories because that is the only way to impart some home truths to people. People like that shit it seems, so here goes.
4. The first man and woman produced multitude of offspring, breeding like rabbits and generally running around naked. This is not a good thing because shaving had not been invented yet.
5. Eventually they settled down and formed villages, towns and cities.
6. God had great hopes of his new creation, especially since Man had chosen the greatest gift of all, the gift of logical thought (although man didn't seem too happy with it at that time).
7. He saw villages being built, agriculture invented and even some strides being made in primitive medicine, and was well pleased.
8. God thought, 'My work in this planet is done. This creation can take care of itself and the world it lives in'.
9. And God rested for a day, to prepare for the creation of an inhabited planet in the X57 galaxy.
10. As god slept, that prince of darkness, Satan walked about the earth fucking things up wholesale, as was written in the preliminary work, the Heathen's Bible (available at http://thewaronfaith.com).
11. The first thing Satan did, was corrupt the effects of the fruit of logical thought. He did this in a way most ingenious.
12. He preyed on man's greatest weakness, woman. Using his vast powers, he appeared in the dreams of man, and informed him that his purpose is not to better himself and the world, but to please woman, because after all, woman is the bearer of life and the giver of nookie!
13. How else can one explain the multibillion dollar shoe industry and Viagra?
14. Man's mind, which until now was like a well oiled machine, was now tainted with the 'ultimate problem'; Woman thinks you are inadequate and does not want to nookie with you.
15. Overnight, man became obsessed, and started using his awesome powers to invent needless knicknacks in the hope of attracting woman to his cave.
16. Thus was religion invented, as man tried to impress woman with 'spirituality', for isn't organised religion the work of the Deceiver?
17. Thus was horoscopes invented, as man tried to con woman into mating with him based on what the 'stars said', and along with this myriad other superstitions like Mike gives a shit about football games, and praying over the sick instead of taking them to a doctor, and finally the corruption of language and 'praying in tongues' that the fucking evangelistic christians seem to enjoy doing.
18. And sadly, thus arose the 'metrosexual male', the very embodiment of the primest of all prime evils of mankind, to make woman think that men and women are not that different.
19. God was fucking pissed off.
20. God thundered, 'Look at thee! One day you are inventing trigonometry and the next thou spendeth thirteen hours creating shiny rocks! How fucked up is that?!
21. 'Where is the drive to reach out to distant stars?! Where is the urge to create new tools to better your lives? What happened to your hope for living forever?! When the fuck did I ask thee to build places of worship for me?! I turn my back for one day and you fucketh up everything that was good and great in the world!'
22. God then cursed man. 'Thou shalt always have a love hate relationship with sex, while secretly wanting it thou shall denounce it as evil and base. Thou fucking morons.'
23. The people of the earth did run shit-scared because they had never seen Mike like this before. They cried out, 'But Lord! It is not our fault! The deceiver that is Satan conned us by coming in our dreams and causing our minds to turn that way! Forgive us O Lord!'
24. God then cried, 'Satan?!' 'Who the fucketh is Satan? Bring him to me!' but he was nowhere to be found!
25. God thundered out, 'Dost thou know who the fuck Satan is? It is merely the collective embodiment of all thy deepest fears, and now you doth show me that your greatest fear is woman! I thought you fucksticks could actually handle thy insecurities and emotions but the one fucking day I take a nap the shit hits the fan. So be it. Man shall always be a prey to his fears. From now on he shall never understand woman. And may she give thee hell every four weeks just to show thee who is indeed the boss around the house. Her every tiny desire shall be your greatest command.
26. 'Let there be Valentine's Day and let there be wedding dinners at the Hilton!'
27. Verily, for is it not said in the Bible, that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethelehem?
28. God then addressed the women. 'My children, you are still untainted by the insecurities of man, but you do not possess the gift I gave man. I cannot give you the same gift (I am powerful but not THAT powerful), so let me give you the gift of Memory. May you remember every fucking thing man ever does so you can dredge it up thirty or forty years later just to make him feel like shit every now and then. Trust me, this is a very useful gift to have. As a bonus I also give you Patience, which will allow thee to put up with the numerous times your man acts like an insufferable fuckstick. Rule man wisely'.
29. And there was much rejoicing amongst the womenfolk.
30 God then declared, 'What has happened is irreversible. Man shalt forever be tainted because he let his insecurities get the better of him. The future is going to be ugly. So be ready for some fucking bumps along your evolution.'
31. But God also added, 'I doth find your planet inhabitants cute, so every now and then I shall try to send someone down to teach you some shit so thou don't screw up too bad. Be nice to him/her okay? Don't make me come down and get medieval on thy hinies.'
32. And so it came to pass that mankind spent millenia after millenia generally breeding, and populating the planet. Men went about killing each other in the name of Mike and his friends, while Mike and his friends watched and shook their heads sadly. 'This is going to be a long day', they thought.
33. And God asked Hades, are you done with this book yet? I can see the world fucking up more and more with every passing day, and my finger on the galactic nuclear missile doth itch greatly.
34. Hades did look up to the Lord and say, 'Almost done. All it needs is a good finisher. Any ideas?'
35. 'Yes', quoth He. 'I shall leave with the following message. Thou shalt listen to the word of Hades from now on, as he shall speak his mind. He shalt speak for me, and I agree a priori with all his views because I am Mike and only Hades comes close to me in overall awesomeness and brilliance. How's that, kiddo?'
36. Hades replied, 'Not bad Mike. Not bad at all'
37. 'Oh and the next person who prays over a sick child instead of taking it to a fucking doctor is getting a lightning rod up his holier-than-thou behind. I am Mike and I have spoken'.
2. Let it be known first of all, that these stories are purely fictional. Any fuckwad who starts quoting this shit like they quote Noah's Ark from the Bible is a fucking idiot. The creation story from the previous chapter too is purely allegorical. IF you didn't get that, go away and never come back. There is a special place in hell for you cockspits.
3. God has decided, in his somewhat infinite wisdom, to speak in stories because that is the only way to impart some home truths to people. People like that shit it seems, so here goes.
4. The first man and woman produced multitude of offspring, breeding like rabbits and generally running around naked. This is not a good thing because shaving had not been invented yet.
5. Eventually they settled down and formed villages, towns and cities.
6. God had great hopes of his new creation, especially since Man had chosen the greatest gift of all, the gift of logical thought (although man didn't seem too happy with it at that time).
7. He saw villages being built, agriculture invented and even some strides being made in primitive medicine, and was well pleased.
8. God thought, 'My work in this planet is done. This creation can take care of itself and the world it lives in'.
9. And God rested for a day, to prepare for the creation of an inhabited planet in the X57 galaxy.
10. As god slept, that prince of darkness, Satan walked about the earth fucking things up wholesale, as was written in the preliminary work, the Heathen's Bible (available at http://thewaronfaith.com).
11. The first thing Satan did, was corrupt the effects of the fruit of logical thought. He did this in a way most ingenious.
12. He preyed on man's greatest weakness, woman. Using his vast powers, he appeared in the dreams of man, and informed him that his purpose is not to better himself and the world, but to please woman, because after all, woman is the bearer of life and the giver of nookie!
13. How else can one explain the multibillion dollar shoe industry and Viagra?
14. Man's mind, which until now was like a well oiled machine, was now tainted with the 'ultimate problem'; Woman thinks you are inadequate and does not want to nookie with you.
15. Overnight, man became obsessed, and started using his awesome powers to invent needless knicknacks in the hope of attracting woman to his cave.
16. Thus was religion invented, as man tried to impress woman with 'spirituality', for isn't organised religion the work of the Deceiver?
17. Thus was horoscopes invented, as man tried to con woman into mating with him based on what the 'stars said', and along with this myriad other superstitions like Mike gives a shit about football games, and praying over the sick instead of taking them to a doctor, and finally the corruption of language and 'praying in tongues' that the fucking evangelistic christians seem to enjoy doing.
18. And sadly, thus arose the 'metrosexual male', the very embodiment of the primest of all prime evils of mankind, to make woman think that men and women are not that different.
19. God was fucking pissed off.
20. God thundered, 'Look at thee! One day you are inventing trigonometry and the next thou spendeth thirteen hours creating shiny rocks! How fucked up is that?!
21. 'Where is the drive to reach out to distant stars?! Where is the urge to create new tools to better your lives? What happened to your hope for living forever?! When the fuck did I ask thee to build places of worship for me?! I turn my back for one day and you fucketh up everything that was good and great in the world!'
22. God then cursed man. 'Thou shalt always have a love hate relationship with sex, while secretly wanting it thou shall denounce it as evil and base. Thou fucking morons.'
23. The people of the earth did run shit-scared because they had never seen Mike like this before. They cried out, 'But Lord! It is not our fault! The deceiver that is Satan conned us by coming in our dreams and causing our minds to turn that way! Forgive us O Lord!'
24. God then cried, 'Satan?!' 'Who the fucketh is Satan? Bring him to me!' but he was nowhere to be found!
25. God thundered out, 'Dost thou know who the fuck Satan is? It is merely the collective embodiment of all thy deepest fears, and now you doth show me that your greatest fear is woman! I thought you fucksticks could actually handle thy insecurities and emotions but the one fucking day I take a nap the shit hits the fan. So be it. Man shall always be a prey to his fears. From now on he shall never understand woman. And may she give thee hell every four weeks just to show thee who is indeed the boss around the house. Her every tiny desire shall be your greatest command.
26. 'Let there be Valentine's Day and let there be wedding dinners at the Hilton!'
27. Verily, for is it not said in the Bible, that Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethelehem?
28. God then addressed the women. 'My children, you are still untainted by the insecurities of man, but you do not possess the gift I gave man. I cannot give you the same gift (I am powerful but not THAT powerful), so let me give you the gift of Memory. May you remember every fucking thing man ever does so you can dredge it up thirty or forty years later just to make him feel like shit every now and then. Trust me, this is a very useful gift to have. As a bonus I also give you Patience, which will allow thee to put up with the numerous times your man acts like an insufferable fuckstick. Rule man wisely'.
29. And there was much rejoicing amongst the womenfolk.
30 God then declared, 'What has happened is irreversible. Man shalt forever be tainted because he let his insecurities get the better of him. The future is going to be ugly. So be ready for some fucking bumps along your evolution.'
31. But God also added, 'I doth find your planet inhabitants cute, so every now and then I shall try to send someone down to teach you some shit so thou don't screw up too bad. Be nice to him/her okay? Don't make me come down and get medieval on thy hinies.'
32. And so it came to pass that mankind spent millenia after millenia generally breeding, and populating the planet. Men went about killing each other in the name of Mike and his friends, while Mike and his friends watched and shook their heads sadly. 'This is going to be a long day', they thought.
33. And God asked Hades, are you done with this book yet? I can see the world fucking up more and more with every passing day, and my finger on the galactic nuclear missile doth itch greatly.
34. Hades did look up to the Lord and say, 'Almost done. All it needs is a good finisher. Any ideas?'
35. 'Yes', quoth He. 'I shall leave with the following message. Thou shalt listen to the word of Hades from now on, as he shall speak his mind. He shalt speak for me, and I agree a priori with all his views because I am Mike and only Hades comes close to me in overall awesomeness and brilliance. How's that, kiddo?'
36. Hades replied, 'Not bad Mike. Not bad at all'
37. 'Oh and the next person who prays over a sick child instead of taking it to a fucking doctor is getting a lightning rod up his holier-than-thou behind. I am Mike and I have spoken'.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The Book of Genitals
And so God, aka Mike; aka the Father (not to be confused with a crazy despotic bastard who insists on micromanaging a tiny city-state despite being senile enough to piss AND shit himself on a regular basis and not realise it till three days later when all his houseplants have died); aka the Big Electron (TM George Carlin) in his somewhat infinite wisdom and nearly cosmic powers, dictates the new Wholly Babble to the latest of his chosen prophets, Hades who, as it was said once, proved himself worthy by ripping apart the fragile egos of 15 year olds and nearly curing AIDS. He lives in a tiny cubicle in a small tin-pot little country and hunts emos for sport.
This chapter in the book is not the work of Hades but the work of God. God himself speaks through Hades in the third person and sets the scene for what will arguably be the book that would change lives and even life as we know it. Think of it as a foreword if you will, because the rest of this damned book is Hades' own work, with occasional inputs from Mike (as god would like to be known). Before the book, a short introduction from Mike.
Greetings fuckies, this is God. You can call me Mike if you like. It's really up to you. I am channeling this chapter through my one true manservant, Hades who happens to be one of the few people on earth who are on first name terms with me at the moment. So if you're attending a place of worship and someone there says he speaks for me, or that I speak through a book, you're being conned. Punch him and leave. Through Hades I hope you all get to know me a bit better.
Just a few things before I speak to you all more formally.
1> I do not answer prayers. I have far better things to do with my time.
2> I do not turn up on coffee spills, nor do I make statues weep.
3> I do not appreciate being force-fed with milk.
4> I don't really give a shit whether you accept Jesus, Allah or Krishna as your personal lord and saviour.
5> It is time you all started accepting Hades as your saviour. Details to follow.
6> Most importantly, I do not have any special love towards you. I have no chosen people, I love and hate you all equally. I do however have a special spot of hatred for people who are willingly stupid.
Okay? Here we go...
The Book of Genitals
This is the word of god, as dictated to Hades, his latest in his line of saviours.
Chapter 1 (On the universe)
1. In the beginning there was nothing, not even space. The concepts of space and time were not created and hence it does not make sense to talk about 'time' before the creation of the universe. As far as you mere mortals are concerned, I sat around drinking beer and playing pool with Osiris and Thor.
2. The universe was NOT created in six days. I am not going to tell you the actual process (which incidentally is still in the making) because I gave you mortals brains to figure it out. If you want to know more, apply to the nearest library and pick up a good book on astronomy.
3. I did NOT create the sun to give you idiots light. The universe has billions of planets with life on them and you folks are the most self-important pricks I have ever met. The sun and stars exist as a consequence of the big bang. There is no purpose behind their existence that your feeble minds can fathom. Just be glad that I gave the sun another five billion years and shut up.
4. Out of my will I created time, I created space. Then as the universe rapidly expanded, I put into place simple physical laws to ensure that the creation can continue without my personal interference. It was beautiful and as it is mentioned in an anachronistic book written by and for goat farmers, Good.
5. The universe expanded, the first elements formed after I created nuclear fusion. The last of my creation was done, and now the universe was ready to run on its own.
6. The universe grew and evolved as order started forming from chaos, based on four simple forces I had created. Don't you mortals see it? Just four simple forces are responsible for everything you see around you. Don't you see how amazing that is? All the complexity in the universe I made by just four forces. I did not do stupid things like separate waters above and below. There is no fucking water in space. Who the fuck wrote that piece-of-shit book anyway?!
7. I did not create the universe out of an egg, and the universe is not a result of my dream. All those stories are ultra-simplistic ways of looking at it, and frankly, I am God, goddammit. I am the master of sophistication. I am the ultimate brain. The levels of complexity I can introduce into systems is just way beyond what your three dimensional brains can comprehend so quit attributing stupid shit like 'Let there be light' to me, but I digress.
8. Anyway, after the universe had stabilised, stars started to form and damn it was GOOD. Stars grew old, and stars blew up, and pieces of stars formed planets. So as that great man, Carl Sagan said, 'we are all stardust'. He meant you of course. I am made almost entirely of brilliance and general awesomeness.
9. There you have a short history of how the universe was formed. A much better version, I am sure than what exists in those crappy Bibles of yours. I mean what a crock of bullshit is "creating greater lights and lesser lights"?! Can't you people see how fucking primitive it is?!
Chapter 2 (On man)
1. Man evolved along with chimpanzees and gorillas, from ape-like ancestors.
2. Man did NOT arise from dust, at least not in the literal sense. Anyone who tells you that ridiculous creation story about the garden in Eden is a fucking fool.
3. What follows is a metaphorical construction of man's evolution and dominance on earth.
4. Disclaimer: God never considered intelligence an unpardonable sin and he thinks pride is a good thing to have. Pride is different from arrogance, God would have you know.
5. When the first man and first woman walked about free, God walked with them, guiding them along so they won't end up fucking things up wholesale right at the very start. God now wonders why the fuck did he even bother but at that time they were kinda cute. Hairy but cute.
6. Man and woman stepped out of their cave in open-eyed wonder, gazing at the amazing nature of 'creation', even the greatest word in their then primitive vocabulary ('ugh-yuk') failed to do justice to the majesty and grandeur of what they saw. Fuck garden of Eden, this was big!
7. The woman kept telling the man not to touch this and not to touch that. She insisted that somehow she knew better and if man didn't listen to her, a creature named 'God' would come and bite his ass. Verily! We have the evolution of the henpecked male. Verily, shall god speak like this from now on, for such language doth soundeth fucking cool (tm. Christopher, http://thewaronfaith.com)
8. Man would on the sly go out to throw rocks at creatures and bring them back. Woman would sit in the cave and bitch about how tough the meat was, how the man came back half an hour late bleeding all over the living room carpet and how he never remembers their anniversary. Man was too stupid then to point out that anniversaries had not been invented yet. And God wept.
9. Man did despair of what to do and one night went up to a lonely mountain to find answers on how to please Woman, or at least how to shut the bitch up for thirty seconds for fuck's sake. God did appear to man in a cloud and tell him, "go forth into the wilderness and seek the enchanted forest". Man did as god instructed him, as usual, not asking for directions. God did weep for his sorry ass and followed him.
10. Man, (thanks to some pretty neat nose twitching work from God) found himself in a strange land where the trees always bore fruit and they did carry labels on them. God said, 'now here is where I set you apart from other creatures'. I give you your first gift, the 'freedom' to choose.
11. 'These trees each have fruit with each a special gift. Choose the gifts you feel you would need the most because your choice would indeed affect the choices of eons to come. You have but ONE choice.
12. Man looked around and saw many good things. Some trees would give him eternal life. Other trees would give him immeasurable strength, but he passed these by.
13. Then he saw a tiny little sapling that had borne on it, a single apple. Man said, I want this one.
14. God rejoiced. For it was the tree of 'logical thought'.
15. God then said, 'We shalt certainly make something of you kid. Your choice showeth me that you do desire knowledge, and the root of knowledge is after all, logical thought'. But sadly there is only one so only you can have it. Your mate shall remain without this unique gift'.
16. Man agreed, being a fucking idiot, not realising how truly fucked he was.
17. Verily! This is why a man never understandeth the value of the shiny stone, nor doth he see the need to procure thirty pairs of black shoes, nor doth he see the sense in putting the seat of the toilet down.
18. Man ate the fruit, and there was much rejoicing as insight dawned into him, and he understood his true meaning on earth. He then turned to god and proclaimed, "this is a curse! Now not only doth man not understand woman, but now man knoweth he wilt never win an argument because forsooth! he is handicapped by logical thought!"
19. God remarked, 'tough luck kid.'
20. And Man with his new-found gift invented 'fishing' and 'beer'.
21. Woman remained in the cave, deciding if rocks were edible, while constantly bitching about Man not keeping her happy.
22. And so the first man and first woman lived, reproduced and died as leopard food.
23. The offspring survived, there was no fucking bigass boat that took them anywhere. They lived, migrated and populated the planet, breeding like fucking rabbits.
This chapter in the book is not the work of Hades but the work of God. God himself speaks through Hades in the third person and sets the scene for what will arguably be the book that would change lives and even life as we know it. Think of it as a foreword if you will, because the rest of this damned book is Hades' own work, with occasional inputs from Mike (as god would like to be known). Before the book, a short introduction from Mike.
Greetings fuckies, this is God. You can call me Mike if you like. It's really up to you. I am channeling this chapter through my one true manservant, Hades who happens to be one of the few people on earth who are on first name terms with me at the moment. So if you're attending a place of worship and someone there says he speaks for me, or that I speak through a book, you're being conned. Punch him and leave. Through Hades I hope you all get to know me a bit better.
Just a few things before I speak to you all more formally.
1> I do not answer prayers. I have far better things to do with my time.
2> I do not turn up on coffee spills, nor do I make statues weep.
3> I do not appreciate being force-fed with milk.
4> I don't really give a shit whether you accept Jesus, Allah or Krishna as your personal lord and saviour.
5> It is time you all started accepting Hades as your saviour. Details to follow.
6> Most importantly, I do not have any special love towards you. I have no chosen people, I love and hate you all equally. I do however have a special spot of hatred for people who are willingly stupid.
Okay? Here we go...
The Book of Genitals
This is the word of god, as dictated to Hades, his latest in his line of saviours.
Chapter 1 (On the universe)
1. In the beginning there was nothing, not even space. The concepts of space and time were not created and hence it does not make sense to talk about 'time' before the creation of the universe. As far as you mere mortals are concerned, I sat around drinking beer and playing pool with Osiris and Thor.
2. The universe was NOT created in six days. I am not going to tell you the actual process (which incidentally is still in the making) because I gave you mortals brains to figure it out. If you want to know more, apply to the nearest library and pick up a good book on astronomy.
3. I did NOT create the sun to give you idiots light. The universe has billions of planets with life on them and you folks are the most self-important pricks I have ever met. The sun and stars exist as a consequence of the big bang. There is no purpose behind their existence that your feeble minds can fathom. Just be glad that I gave the sun another five billion years and shut up.
4. Out of my will I created time, I created space. Then as the universe rapidly expanded, I put into place simple physical laws to ensure that the creation can continue without my personal interference. It was beautiful and as it is mentioned in an anachronistic book written by and for goat farmers, Good.
5. The universe expanded, the first elements formed after I created nuclear fusion. The last of my creation was done, and now the universe was ready to run on its own.
6. The universe grew and evolved as order started forming from chaos, based on four simple forces I had created. Don't you mortals see it? Just four simple forces are responsible for everything you see around you. Don't you see how amazing that is? All the complexity in the universe I made by just four forces. I did not do stupid things like separate waters above and below. There is no fucking water in space. Who the fuck wrote that piece-of-shit book anyway?!
7. I did not create the universe out of an egg, and the universe is not a result of my dream. All those stories are ultra-simplistic ways of looking at it, and frankly, I am God, goddammit. I am the master of sophistication. I am the ultimate brain. The levels of complexity I can introduce into systems is just way beyond what your three dimensional brains can comprehend so quit attributing stupid shit like 'Let there be light' to me, but I digress.
8. Anyway, after the universe had stabilised, stars started to form and damn it was GOOD. Stars grew old, and stars blew up, and pieces of stars formed planets. So as that great man, Carl Sagan said, 'we are all stardust'. He meant you of course. I am made almost entirely of brilliance and general awesomeness.
9. There you have a short history of how the universe was formed. A much better version, I am sure than what exists in those crappy Bibles of yours. I mean what a crock of bullshit is "creating greater lights and lesser lights"?! Can't you people see how fucking primitive it is?!
Chapter 2 (On man)
1. Man evolved along with chimpanzees and gorillas, from ape-like ancestors.
2. Man did NOT arise from dust, at least not in the literal sense. Anyone who tells you that ridiculous creation story about the garden in Eden is a fucking fool.
3. What follows is a metaphorical construction of man's evolution and dominance on earth.
4. Disclaimer: God never considered intelligence an unpardonable sin and he thinks pride is a good thing to have. Pride is different from arrogance, God would have you know.
5. When the first man and first woman walked about free, God walked with them, guiding them along so they won't end up fucking things up wholesale right at the very start. God now wonders why the fuck did he even bother but at that time they were kinda cute. Hairy but cute.
6. Man and woman stepped out of their cave in open-eyed wonder, gazing at the amazing nature of 'creation', even the greatest word in their then primitive vocabulary ('ugh-yuk') failed to do justice to the majesty and grandeur of what they saw. Fuck garden of Eden, this was big!
7. The woman kept telling the man not to touch this and not to touch that. She insisted that somehow she knew better and if man didn't listen to her, a creature named 'God' would come and bite his ass. Verily! We have the evolution of the henpecked male. Verily, shall god speak like this from now on, for such language doth soundeth fucking cool (tm. Christopher, http://thewaronfaith.com)
8. Man would on the sly go out to throw rocks at creatures and bring them back. Woman would sit in the cave and bitch about how tough the meat was, how the man came back half an hour late bleeding all over the living room carpet and how he never remembers their anniversary. Man was too stupid then to point out that anniversaries had not been invented yet. And God wept.
9. Man did despair of what to do and one night went up to a lonely mountain to find answers on how to please Woman, or at least how to shut the bitch up for thirty seconds for fuck's sake. God did appear to man in a cloud and tell him, "go forth into the wilderness and seek the enchanted forest". Man did as god instructed him, as usual, not asking for directions. God did weep for his sorry ass and followed him.
10. Man, (thanks to some pretty neat nose twitching work from God) found himself in a strange land where the trees always bore fruit and they did carry labels on them. God said, 'now here is where I set you apart from other creatures'. I give you your first gift, the 'freedom' to choose.
11. 'These trees each have fruit with each a special gift. Choose the gifts you feel you would need the most because your choice would indeed affect the choices of eons to come. You have but ONE choice.
12. Man looked around and saw many good things. Some trees would give him eternal life. Other trees would give him immeasurable strength, but he passed these by.
13. Then he saw a tiny little sapling that had borne on it, a single apple. Man said, I want this one.
14. God rejoiced. For it was the tree of 'logical thought'.
15. God then said, 'We shalt certainly make something of you kid. Your choice showeth me that you do desire knowledge, and the root of knowledge is after all, logical thought'. But sadly there is only one so only you can have it. Your mate shall remain without this unique gift'.
16. Man agreed, being a fucking idiot, not realising how truly fucked he was.
17. Verily! This is why a man never understandeth the value of the shiny stone, nor doth he see the need to procure thirty pairs of black shoes, nor doth he see the sense in putting the seat of the toilet down.
18. Man ate the fruit, and there was much rejoicing as insight dawned into him, and he understood his true meaning on earth. He then turned to god and proclaimed, "this is a curse! Now not only doth man not understand woman, but now man knoweth he wilt never win an argument because forsooth! he is handicapped by logical thought!"
19. God remarked, 'tough luck kid.'
20. And Man with his new-found gift invented 'fishing' and 'beer'.
21. Woman remained in the cave, deciding if rocks were edible, while constantly bitching about Man not keeping her happy.
22. And so the first man and first woman lived, reproduced and died as leopard food.
23. The offspring survived, there was no fucking bigass boat that took them anywhere. They lived, migrated and populated the planet, breeding like fucking rabbits.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
God's mysterious ways
And so it came to pass, that a Messiah was born, a messiah who didn't pull his punches; a messiah who, thanks to threats of dental torture and goat rape, agreed to take the woes of the world on his shoulders and try to guide his fellow man from birth to death without fucking things up too bad. A messiah, in short, who can today still be seen talking to god on a two way radio...
Hades: Are you there god, it's me Hades.
God (turning down the sound of his TV, incidentally showing 'Afro-whores Vol. 10'.): Yes Hades, what can I do for you?
Hades: Well for a start you can tell me what the fuck it is I am supposed to do. How the fuck does one go about becoming a fucking saviour?! Is there a form I fill out? Is there a course I attend at Open University? I don't recall seeing "Messiah 101" in NUS. So tell me now, what the hell AM I supposed to be doing?
God: You always were an impatient little shit, weren't you?! Now listen. I have tried other messiahs. I have tried every type of messiah there is, until now and frankly, I am really counting on you. If you fuck up, that's it. The world is on its own and it will all be your fault.
Hades: My fault?! Why the fuck would it be my fault?! You created this shit you dickhole.
God: God moves in mysterious ways, kiddo. Live with it.
Hades: Yeah yeah, now tell me already. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing.
God: Be patient will you and listen to me! I can't afford to screw up here. The last time I gave out these instructions to that chap David Koresh, he locked himself up and a bunch of women and kids in a compound and declared himself Jesus. Hell they had to send in the SWAT team to get the kiddies out. So listen up, this is serious. The first thing I need you to do is write a book.
Hades: Oh dear me, no. I won't. Come on man, you just told me you don't like Bibles and you want me to go put out one?!
God: Which part of 'I am god' do you not understand, fucker? Look, I don't mean you start finding a publisher and all that. I already told you that I hate getting words through via proxy, because one is always misquoted. Trust me will ya?! I know what I am doing. I am not talking about a real, physical book like the Bible, but a series of rants, something like what you're doing.
Hades: Mike, what the fuck have you been smoking?! You expect me to join the ranks of the imbecile retards on the 'blogosphere' who, just because of their ability to construct a vaguely coherent sentence, assume that they're the next Leo fucking Tolstoy? Or do you want me to be amongst those who because they can rhyme 'rain' with fucking 'pain' think that their pathetic attempts at poetry are worth bloody Pulitzers.
God: Don't make me get medieval on your ass, kiddo. I am much better than that. Now pay careful attention, I want you to do what you have always been doing but with some modifications. I noticed something about your site, Hades. It's incredibly brilliant and sidesplittingly hilarious but it lacks direction. One day you're eviscerating annoying prepubescents who seem to think the world gives a shit about their stupid issues, and another day you completely shift gears and drop a load on people who pray over sick kids instead of taking them to a fucking doctor. What the fuck is up with that? You are ranting about everything under the sun with no direction whatsoever and there is nothing that explicitly links your rants together. I want that changed.
Hades: Dude, you don't understand. My site does not have to have a point. It is about things I give a shit about.
God: I know Hades, but now you are not writing for yourself. You are writing for the world. From now on I am going to give you some purpose behind your ranting. I have great hope in you, Hades. With me, you shall rip apart the facade of society to show its underlying brutishness! You shall tear away the blinkers over your fellow man's eyes and show him that the world is far more diverse and richer than any of his pathetic world views. You shall be the force which shakes governments and moves masses! I am GOD and I have spoken!
Hades: Dude, get off that table and put that bottle of whisky down.
God: Oh sorry, got a bit carried away there. So yeah, as I was saying, you have a big job kid. A really big job. Unlike with other messiahs I won't tell you exactly what to write. All I will do this time is turn up occasionally to point out things to write about, and how to work your rants into a holistic piece of work that will serve as a guide for humanity for eons to come.
Hades: Woah, that was deep man.
God: I have only three conditions:
1> You shall pull no punches when writing. Do not use "darn" and "frickking" or any such crap words. The word of God is honest, brutal and to the point. Be bold, be brutal. I remember mentioning something like that to someone in 300BC and it ended up in the fucking Bible referring to a sword or something. Bloody plagiarisers. Anyway I digress...
2> You shall always be candid in your views. Do not beat about the bush nor worry about offending anyone. If they are offended, fuck them.
3> You shall write against ignorance and bigotry and therefore you shall face opposition from people who have the mentality of sheep, like you have in the past. These people who cannot think for themselves and need a shaman to tell them what to think about everything from global warming to the legalities of butt-fucking will come after you and try to bring you down. They will bleat the name of their blood-god again and again and try to tear apart your efforts because they are too insecure to comprehend what you are doing for them. But this time you shall not ignore them. You shall put up their comments with your amazingly witty responses, so the world can see how fucked up their brethren are, and sneer at them. This is their first step to recovery.
The rest is business as usual. Go get 'em, tiger!
Hades: Sure thing man. But I am currently attracting about twenty views a day. How the fuck is that going to change the world?
God: You just do your job kid, and I'll do mine, okay?
Hades: Alright Mike, you're the boss.
God: Glad you know that, Hades. Now go before I kick you in the mouth.
--- to be continued
Hades: Are you there god, it's me Hades.
God (turning down the sound of his TV, incidentally showing 'Afro-whores Vol. 10'.): Yes Hades, what can I do for you?
Hades: Well for a start you can tell me what the fuck it is I am supposed to do. How the fuck does one go about becoming a fucking saviour?! Is there a form I fill out? Is there a course I attend at Open University? I don't recall seeing "Messiah 101" in NUS. So tell me now, what the hell AM I supposed to be doing?
God: You always were an impatient little shit, weren't you?! Now listen. I have tried other messiahs. I have tried every type of messiah there is, until now and frankly, I am really counting on you. If you fuck up, that's it. The world is on its own and it will all be your fault.
Hades: My fault?! Why the fuck would it be my fault?! You created this shit you dickhole.
God: God moves in mysterious ways, kiddo. Live with it.
Hades: Yeah yeah, now tell me already. What the fuck am I supposed to be doing.
God: Be patient will you and listen to me! I can't afford to screw up here. The last time I gave out these instructions to that chap David Koresh, he locked himself up and a bunch of women and kids in a compound and declared himself Jesus. Hell they had to send in the SWAT team to get the kiddies out. So listen up, this is serious. The first thing I need you to do is write a book.
Hades: Oh dear me, no. I won't. Come on man, you just told me you don't like Bibles and you want me to go put out one?!
God: Which part of 'I am god' do you not understand, fucker? Look, I don't mean you start finding a publisher and all that. I already told you that I hate getting words through via proxy, because one is always misquoted. Trust me will ya?! I know what I am doing. I am not talking about a real, physical book like the Bible, but a series of rants, something like what you're doing.
Hades: Mike, what the fuck have you been smoking?! You expect me to join the ranks of the imbecile retards on the 'blogosphere' who, just because of their ability to construct a vaguely coherent sentence, assume that they're the next Leo fucking Tolstoy? Or do you want me to be amongst those who because they can rhyme 'rain' with fucking 'pain' think that their pathetic attempts at poetry are worth bloody Pulitzers.
God: Don't make me get medieval on your ass, kiddo. I am much better than that. Now pay careful attention, I want you to do what you have always been doing but with some modifications. I noticed something about your site, Hades. It's incredibly brilliant and sidesplittingly hilarious but it lacks direction. One day you're eviscerating annoying prepubescents who seem to think the world gives a shit about their stupid issues, and another day you completely shift gears and drop a load on people who pray over sick kids instead of taking them to a fucking doctor. What the fuck is up with that? You are ranting about everything under the sun with no direction whatsoever and there is nothing that explicitly links your rants together. I want that changed.
Hades: Dude, you don't understand. My site does not have to have a point. It is about things I give a shit about.
God: I know Hades, but now you are not writing for yourself. You are writing for the world. From now on I am going to give you some purpose behind your ranting. I have great hope in you, Hades. With me, you shall rip apart the facade of society to show its underlying brutishness! You shall tear away the blinkers over your fellow man's eyes and show him that the world is far more diverse and richer than any of his pathetic world views. You shall be the force which shakes governments and moves masses! I am GOD and I have spoken!
Hades: Dude, get off that table and put that bottle of whisky down.
God: Oh sorry, got a bit carried away there. So yeah, as I was saying, you have a big job kid. A really big job. Unlike with other messiahs I won't tell you exactly what to write. All I will do this time is turn up occasionally to point out things to write about, and how to work your rants into a holistic piece of work that will serve as a guide for humanity for eons to come.
Hades: Woah, that was deep man.
God: I have only three conditions:
1> You shall pull no punches when writing. Do not use "darn" and "frickking" or any such crap words. The word of God is honest, brutal and to the point. Be bold, be brutal. I remember mentioning something like that to someone in 300BC and it ended up in the fucking Bible referring to a sword or something. Bloody plagiarisers. Anyway I digress...
2> You shall always be candid in your views. Do not beat about the bush nor worry about offending anyone. If they are offended, fuck them.
3> You shall write against ignorance and bigotry and therefore you shall face opposition from people who have the mentality of sheep, like you have in the past. These people who cannot think for themselves and need a shaman to tell them what to think about everything from global warming to the legalities of butt-fucking will come after you and try to bring you down. They will bleat the name of their blood-god again and again and try to tear apart your efforts because they are too insecure to comprehend what you are doing for them. But this time you shall not ignore them. You shall put up their comments with your amazingly witty responses, so the world can see how fucked up their brethren are, and sneer at them. This is their first step to recovery.
The rest is business as usual. Go get 'em, tiger!
Hades: Sure thing man. But I am currently attracting about twenty views a day. How the fuck is that going to change the world?
God: You just do your job kid, and I'll do mine, okay?
Hades: Alright Mike, you're the boss.
God: Glad you know that, Hades. Now go before I kick you in the mouth.
--- to be continued
Thursday, September 07, 2006
God, we need to talk
A recent conversation I had with God:
Hades: Hi there god, it's me, Hades
God (looking up from his Apple Macbook): Yes my son?
Hades: Please, just call me Hades, and you can drop the 'son' stuff. It's creepy. You don't mind me calling you 'god', do you? I mean what with christians saying we shouldn't use your real name and all that... if you want I can call you "YWVH" or is that "YVWH"?
God: Sure kiddo. Call me Mike if it makes you feel better. I like to keep an informal house. That whole 'YVWH' shebang is just bullshit. I meant to say 'look, don't have to call me anything special' and it got twisted to say 'don't call my name or I'll kill your ass', and now thanks some goatherders with IQ's of bratwurst I am seen as this insecure egomaniacal asshole by anyone with half a brain these days.
Hades: Cool. So Mike, I won't beat around the bush. What's the deal here? I mean come on. Look at the world today. What the fuck were you thinking man, letting a man like George Bush become president of the US, giving Mexico away to a bunch of right-wing nutcases, screwing around wholesale in Lebanon.. bombs going off daily in Iraq, fuck and why the hell is that Lee chap in Singapore still living?!
God (opens a can of Heineken): Sigh, I know I know. I'll see what I can do, I promise. It's not my fault you know.
Hades: No Mike, that's not good enough. This is not the result of some galactic boo-boo or some little trip up at the inter-stellar communication lines you have with Krishna and Ra. This is fucking intentional. So tell me, what the fuck's the deal.
God: Hades, relax and let me explain. I know you're pissed off because your fellow humans seem to wallow in the filth of their stupidity, and trust me, I am feeling it as much as you are but what the fuck am I supposed to do?! Do you really think I can just pop up on earth as and when every idiot prays for my intervention to set things right? I gave you human beings brains to use them, and apart from you and a few others most seem to be using it solely to decide which mindless reality TV show to watch or which latest fad bandwagon to hop on to. Come on, look at your leaders. I choose your leaders for you and you get pissed. I let you people choose your own and you elect utter shitholes. What the fuck can I do?!
Hades: What the fuck can you do? Dude, you're GOD! You can do anything you want, dammit. Set things right now. First, kill Bush. Second, declare Obrador the winner of Mexico elections, third, nuke Israel's arms factories. Come on man, you have an arsenal that is a republican's wet dream! Use it for yoursakes! And do something about that old man Lee!
God: Sigh Hades, why can't you see it? The problem is not on my end it's on your end. For example, say I give Bush a massive heartattack, what would happen? Cheney would be President. Do you want that? Seriously? Man, that guy gives Satan the creeps! So I would have to kill Cheney too, and half the Bush administration. What then? Do you think the American electorate would wise up and elect smarter leaders? Fat chance! They would just elect a sellout like McCain or that utter douchebag Hillary Clinton. Suppose I declare Obrador the winner in Mexico, what would happen? Apart from a very violent reaction from the US who want Calderon there, I can forsee that Obrador would last a week before either getting assasinated or tossed out in a coup d'etat. I can see the future with a good degree of accuracy you know.
Hades: Come on, man. You could have at least made the people a bit smarter. 30% of Americans still support Bush. What the fuck did you give them for brains? Cotton candy?! What about those schmucks in Singapore who keep electing the same bunch of automatons into power regardless of how much they are getting screwed? What about all those fucks who continue to watch pointless crap like American/Australian/Fucking Inner Mancunian Idol and Desperate Housewives?
God: Don't start, Hades. Just. Don't. Do you think they don't have brains? I gave them the same fucking brains I gave Einstein. Do you honestly think that I want them to think like this? I gave them brains so I don't have to do everything for them and get on with the task of running this universe. Universal laws don't make themselves you know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to create gravity? If your planet people want to use those brains for crap, what the hell do you think I should do? Gosh, it's hard enough being me without having to think for every little critter on this tiny pebble you call earth. I have fucking galaxies to mind, so get off my back about this already. We gods have better things to worry about than your insignificant little planet. Allah is busy fixing up that fucking Black Hole that would have turned your solar system into a fine mush, and Siva is putting his trident through this irritating demon-creature that comes up to gobble planets whole. Do you know what Buddha was saying? He said, "We gave them brains to admire the beauty of the universe and learn about quantum mechanics and evolution, to devise cancer cures and morning-after pills, to invent machines that can reach the outskirts of the universe to find out their true origins and what do they do? They build fucking LaZ-Boys and atomic bombs and blog about their annoying cat". Can we have a fucking "AMEN"?! Now you're telling me it's my fault and you want me to fix up the mess?
I made it perfectly clear when creating humans that you guys were supposed to use your brains and not depend on me.
Hades: Ha that's rich. It seems you didn't do a good job eh. Look at all your supposed followers preaching intolerance, stupidity and thumping Bibles. What were you expecting people to think? How can you say that you made it clear humans were supposed to think for ourselves when you had the Catholic church running the show for a thousand fucking years? The catholic church which I might aid claimed to speak for you and just pushed us back into the stone age and you didn't do squat about it. You can't just leave it all to chance and fuck things up further by putting out a shitty book full of half truths and stupid tales as your one true Word of God. You created a fucking defective product and now you're saying it should fucking fix itself?!
God: Don't talk to me about Bibles okay? A completely pointless book that I had nothing to do with. I don't believe in letting messages get through second hand. If there was something I needed to tell you, I would usually send an angel or go down myself. Who do you think was Bill Hicks? Who do you think was John Lennon? Who do you think was Gandhi? Who do you think was Jesus (the real one, not the kind those evangelists worship) or Darwin or Copernicus? They were all either myself, or my friends. Oh right I forgot, your kind ridiculed them, shunned them and even killed them. And now it's my fault? Don't you see it Hades? Your kind don't WANT to be anything but ignorant. Your kind don't want to be enlightened. They want to be dumb. They want to be mindless consumers. They enjoy being stupid and hate anything that would cause them to be open minded so stop blaming me for the state of your pathetic planet. You guys deserve nothing more than what you're getting. Why do you think the Bible's such a bestseller? Because it puts faith above reason. You people don't like to think.
Hades: Sorry Mike, but I can't accept that. I mean I can see where you are coming from but you're GOD dammit. Surely you can't say that this is a good thing that is happening. Don't you have any love for your creation?
God: I do, Mike. I do. No matter how many times you people kill me and do things to just piss me off, I try to come back to prevent you all from fucking up too bad, or trust me the world would have suffered nuclear annihilation a long time ago. If only I could count the number of times Dubya just wanted to push the 'button'... but I am not prepared to start thinking for you people. If I wanted to do that I might as well have not created you all.
Hades: So what do you propose to do? You can't walk away from this you know. No matter how bad it fucks up, earth is still your responsibility, and the last thing a god should do is shirk his responsibility, not unless you want this angry ranting atheist off your back anyway.
God: (smiling) I know kid, I know. I have a plan. I realised what I have been doing wrong. All this while I have been going to earth myself or sending Gabriel or Michael or some angel. The same with other gods but I believe I have finally got it.
This time I shall send a saviour...
Hades: (Groan) not again.. Look dude. I don't think you quite got the hang of this 'saviour' thing. Can you do something more practical?
God: Don't interrupt me. I know what I am doing. I am god, remember?
Hades: (Mutters) Where have I heard that before...
God: What? Anyway, this is not like my previous saviours, but he is a special saviour. You see Hades, I overestimated you earth people. Apart from you and a few others, most other earthlings have a problem handling anything but the simplest of thoughts and most of my prophets and saviours and myself were from a world far disconnected from reality. I mean what was I thinking?! Jesus suddenly speaking about peace and love in an era where it was perfectly justified to kill someone over picking wood on Sunday, or stoning someone because he put his dick in another man. It was just too much of a logical shift for humans, so this time I am going to send a saviour. Someone who can see the stupidity of the masses and tell them in no uncertain terms how fucking dumb they are. Someone who is one of them as far as professions, habits and attitudes are concerned but at the same time can see where they should be, and guide them along subtly without being a damned preacher. God I hate preachers. Those fucks are so damn sure they speak for me I wonder at times if I am really me, or am I actually all those things those bastards say I am.
Hades: Poor fuck who gets selected it seems. All your saviours come to a rather bitter end. Good luck. Thanks for sorting these things out for me.
God: Where are you going, Hades? Don't you get it?
Hades: What? I am just off to hunt emos for sport, if you don't mind.
God: Business before pleasure, Hades. Don't you get it? You are that saviour. Congratulations.
Hades: Oh fuck... no.. No fucking way. I refuse to do it. I don't see why I should sweat my ass off to bring these ignorant lemmings to the light.
God: Don't interrupt me or I'll kick your ass. I have been observing you, and you seem to have what it takes to be that saviour. I read your Evil Atheist website and I found it quite to my liking. I took the jokes you made of me in stride and didn't get Garuda to fly over and eat your head off so you owe me one. Humankind needs you, you little shit.
Hades: Fuck no. Human-kind needs a swift kick up the balls.
God: YEs, and you're going to be my boot. Now shut up and listen, or else I shall inflict a fucking curse on your laptop that would ensure that it would keep popping up random pictures of Lee Hsien Loong and his wife in various states of nakedness, and you shall never be able to sustain an erection again.
Hades: Why me, you asshole?
God: Because I fucking said so. Now go forth, and do as I say. Trust me kiddo, this time we'll make it work.
So what could I say? "You better have something special planned for the Lee chap when he gets here"
... to be continued.
Hades: Hi there god, it's me, Hades
God (looking up from his Apple Macbook): Yes my son?
Hades: Please, just call me Hades, and you can drop the 'son' stuff. It's creepy. You don't mind me calling you 'god', do you? I mean what with christians saying we shouldn't use your real name and all that... if you want I can call you "YWVH" or is that "YVWH"?
God: Sure kiddo. Call me Mike if it makes you feel better. I like to keep an informal house. That whole 'YVWH' shebang is just bullshit. I meant to say 'look, don't have to call me anything special' and it got twisted to say 'don't call my name or I'll kill your ass', and now thanks some goatherders with IQ's of bratwurst I am seen as this insecure egomaniacal asshole by anyone with half a brain these days.
Hades: Cool. So Mike, I won't beat around the bush. What's the deal here? I mean come on. Look at the world today. What the fuck were you thinking man, letting a man like George Bush become president of the US, giving Mexico away to a bunch of right-wing nutcases, screwing around wholesale in Lebanon.. bombs going off daily in Iraq, fuck and why the hell is that Lee chap in Singapore still living?!
God (opens a can of Heineken): Sigh, I know I know. I'll see what I can do, I promise. It's not my fault you know.
Hades: No Mike, that's not good enough. This is not the result of some galactic boo-boo or some little trip up at the inter-stellar communication lines you have with Krishna and Ra. This is fucking intentional. So tell me, what the fuck's the deal.
God: Hades, relax and let me explain. I know you're pissed off because your fellow humans seem to wallow in the filth of their stupidity, and trust me, I am feeling it as much as you are but what the fuck am I supposed to do?! Do you really think I can just pop up on earth as and when every idiot prays for my intervention to set things right? I gave you human beings brains to use them, and apart from you and a few others most seem to be using it solely to decide which mindless reality TV show to watch or which latest fad bandwagon to hop on to. Come on, look at your leaders. I choose your leaders for you and you get pissed. I let you people choose your own and you elect utter shitholes. What the fuck can I do?!
Hades: What the fuck can you do? Dude, you're GOD! You can do anything you want, dammit. Set things right now. First, kill Bush. Second, declare Obrador the winner of Mexico elections, third, nuke Israel's arms factories. Come on man, you have an arsenal that is a republican's wet dream! Use it for yoursakes! And do something about that old man Lee!
God: Sigh Hades, why can't you see it? The problem is not on my end it's on your end. For example, say I give Bush a massive heartattack, what would happen? Cheney would be President. Do you want that? Seriously? Man, that guy gives Satan the creeps! So I would have to kill Cheney too, and half the Bush administration. What then? Do you think the American electorate would wise up and elect smarter leaders? Fat chance! They would just elect a sellout like McCain or that utter douchebag Hillary Clinton. Suppose I declare Obrador the winner in Mexico, what would happen? Apart from a very violent reaction from the US who want Calderon there, I can forsee that Obrador would last a week before either getting assasinated or tossed out in a coup d'etat. I can see the future with a good degree of accuracy you know.
Hades: Come on, man. You could have at least made the people a bit smarter. 30% of Americans still support Bush. What the fuck did you give them for brains? Cotton candy?! What about those schmucks in Singapore who keep electing the same bunch of automatons into power regardless of how much they are getting screwed? What about all those fucks who continue to watch pointless crap like American/Australian/Fucking Inner Mancunian Idol and Desperate Housewives?
God: Don't start, Hades. Just. Don't. Do you think they don't have brains? I gave them the same fucking brains I gave Einstein. Do you honestly think that I want them to think like this? I gave them brains so I don't have to do everything for them and get on with the task of running this universe. Universal laws don't make themselves you know. Do you have any idea how hard it is to create gravity? If your planet people want to use those brains for crap, what the hell do you think I should do? Gosh, it's hard enough being me without having to think for every little critter on this tiny pebble you call earth. I have fucking galaxies to mind, so get off my back about this already. We gods have better things to worry about than your insignificant little planet. Allah is busy fixing up that fucking Black Hole that would have turned your solar system into a fine mush, and Siva is putting his trident through this irritating demon-creature that comes up to gobble planets whole. Do you know what Buddha was saying? He said, "We gave them brains to admire the beauty of the universe and learn about quantum mechanics and evolution, to devise cancer cures and morning-after pills, to invent machines that can reach the outskirts of the universe to find out their true origins and what do they do? They build fucking LaZ-Boys and atomic bombs and blog about their annoying cat". Can we have a fucking "AMEN"?! Now you're telling me it's my fault and you want me to fix up the mess?
I made it perfectly clear when creating humans that you guys were supposed to use your brains and not depend on me.
Hades: Ha that's rich. It seems you didn't do a good job eh. Look at all your supposed followers preaching intolerance, stupidity and thumping Bibles. What were you expecting people to think? How can you say that you made it clear humans were supposed to think for ourselves when you had the Catholic church running the show for a thousand fucking years? The catholic church which I might aid claimed to speak for you and just pushed us back into the stone age and you didn't do squat about it. You can't just leave it all to chance and fuck things up further by putting out a shitty book full of half truths and stupid tales as your one true Word of God. You created a fucking defective product and now you're saying it should fucking fix itself?!
God: Don't talk to me about Bibles okay? A completely pointless book that I had nothing to do with. I don't believe in letting messages get through second hand. If there was something I needed to tell you, I would usually send an angel or go down myself. Who do you think was Bill Hicks? Who do you think was John Lennon? Who do you think was Gandhi? Who do you think was Jesus (the real one, not the kind those evangelists worship) or Darwin or Copernicus? They were all either myself, or my friends. Oh right I forgot, your kind ridiculed them, shunned them and even killed them. And now it's my fault? Don't you see it Hades? Your kind don't WANT to be anything but ignorant. Your kind don't want to be enlightened. They want to be dumb. They want to be mindless consumers. They enjoy being stupid and hate anything that would cause them to be open minded so stop blaming me for the state of your pathetic planet. You guys deserve nothing more than what you're getting. Why do you think the Bible's such a bestseller? Because it puts faith above reason. You people don't like to think.
Hades: Sorry Mike, but I can't accept that. I mean I can see where you are coming from but you're GOD dammit. Surely you can't say that this is a good thing that is happening. Don't you have any love for your creation?
God: I do, Mike. I do. No matter how many times you people kill me and do things to just piss me off, I try to come back to prevent you all from fucking up too bad, or trust me the world would have suffered nuclear annihilation a long time ago. If only I could count the number of times Dubya just wanted to push the 'button'... but I am not prepared to start thinking for you people. If I wanted to do that I might as well have not created you all.
Hades: So what do you propose to do? You can't walk away from this you know. No matter how bad it fucks up, earth is still your responsibility, and the last thing a god should do is shirk his responsibility, not unless you want this angry ranting atheist off your back anyway.
God: (smiling) I know kid, I know. I have a plan. I realised what I have been doing wrong. All this while I have been going to earth myself or sending Gabriel or Michael or some angel. The same with other gods but I believe I have finally got it.
This time I shall send a saviour...
Hades: (Groan) not again.. Look dude. I don't think you quite got the hang of this 'saviour' thing. Can you do something more practical?
God: Don't interrupt me. I know what I am doing. I am god, remember?
Hades: (Mutters) Where have I heard that before...
God: What? Anyway, this is not like my previous saviours, but he is a special saviour. You see Hades, I overestimated you earth people. Apart from you and a few others, most other earthlings have a problem handling anything but the simplest of thoughts and most of my prophets and saviours and myself were from a world far disconnected from reality. I mean what was I thinking?! Jesus suddenly speaking about peace and love in an era where it was perfectly justified to kill someone over picking wood on Sunday, or stoning someone because he put his dick in another man. It was just too much of a logical shift for humans, so this time I am going to send a saviour. Someone who can see the stupidity of the masses and tell them in no uncertain terms how fucking dumb they are. Someone who is one of them as far as professions, habits and attitudes are concerned but at the same time can see where they should be, and guide them along subtly without being a damned preacher. God I hate preachers. Those fucks are so damn sure they speak for me I wonder at times if I am really me, or am I actually all those things those bastards say I am.
Hades: Poor fuck who gets selected it seems. All your saviours come to a rather bitter end. Good luck. Thanks for sorting these things out for me.
God: Where are you going, Hades? Don't you get it?
Hades: What? I am just off to hunt emos for sport, if you don't mind.
God: Business before pleasure, Hades. Don't you get it? You are that saviour. Congratulations.
Hades: Oh fuck... no.. No fucking way. I refuse to do it. I don't see why I should sweat my ass off to bring these ignorant lemmings to the light.
God: Don't interrupt me or I'll kick your ass. I have been observing you, and you seem to have what it takes to be that saviour. I read your Evil Atheist website and I found it quite to my liking. I took the jokes you made of me in stride and didn't get Garuda to fly over and eat your head off so you owe me one. Humankind needs you, you little shit.
Hades: Fuck no. Human-kind needs a swift kick up the balls.
God: YEs, and you're going to be my boot. Now shut up and listen, or else I shall inflict a fucking curse on your laptop that would ensure that it would keep popping up random pictures of Lee Hsien Loong and his wife in various states of nakedness, and you shall never be able to sustain an erection again.
Hades: Why me, you asshole?
God: Because I fucking said so. Now go forth, and do as I say. Trust me kiddo, this time we'll make it work.
So what could I say? "You better have something special planned for the Lee chap when he gets here"
... to be continued.
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