You know, normally I would generally rant on a topic and consider it closed, but for the first time I am going to carry on from my previous rant because after all, a member of parliament is involved.
You remember parliament? That marvellous system of government that allows the common man to have his say in how his country is to be run? Of course you don't. You probably remember Parliament as that place where the country's systems are optimised for the sole benefit and pleasure of Singapore's First FamiLee.
Anyway, in typical elitist fashion the father Wee Siew Kim is said to have agreed with his daughter's views in that he considers many Singaporeans to be 'wretched undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world. one of those who would prefer to be unemployed and wax lyrical about how his myriad talents are being abandoned for the foreigner's, instead of earning a decent, stable living as a sales assistant.'
You know, it's scary when a person you elected into power 'condemns' you to being a sales assistant while giving away the nation's top jobs to foreign talent. I am not saying that being a sales assistant is a bad job, but why do I have to slog through four years of university and get two masters' degrees to do it? Besides, why shouldn't a Singaporean complain if he feels that a job he is perfectly capable of doing is going to someone just because he happens to have skin pale enough fucking scatter light and an accent that sounds like someone speaking through a mouth full of pebbles?
He goes on to say 'Some people cannot take the brutal truth and that sort of language, so she ought to learn from it'. You know I use far more brutal language in my site and general conversation, yet no one has complained about me being insensitive (hell I made fun of every major religious group, I have shit on Mother Teresa and Christopher fucking Reeve, abused women and emos). You know, if this is the kind of shit that an MP thinks of an average Singaporean, Singapore is truly fucked.
Anyway, on to other things. What the fuck is up with people jumping into MRT tracks to commit suicide? This thing is starting to catch on in Singapore as the 'in thing' in suicide methods. Forget the jumping off tall housing development blocks, or downing thirty to forty paracetamol tablets, or slashing wrists. This new method of suicide is garnering both support and sympathy, with the last poor schmo netting his family a cool $300,000. Yes, three hundred grand, slightly more than what Lee the Son makes when he takes a shit. A lot of people complained that Singaporeans were fools to give this much money but come on. Give the fucker a break. He entertained Singapore for days. If Russell sisterfucking Peters can be paid that much to stink up a stage for an hour or so, surely this guy deserves that much or more. So shut the fuck up and go back to your champagne and caviar.
But that aside, I am not an insensitive, callous prick (okay maybe I am), but shouldn't these Joes who kill themselves not inconvenience the rest of the people around them? I mean sure, your life sucks thanks to getting tossed out on your ass from your job, having little or no safety net for your family thanks to the government scraping the last of your CPF to pay for your pigeon-hole apartment, having to pay through your nose for even basic amenties like electricity and water and watching your kids survive on biscuits but does that mean you have to use the MRT to take your life? Come on, Singapore has a World Class Transport System, and now you go and fling your carcass on the tracks, thus ensuring that our World Class Transport System has to now start charging people higher fares to clean up your blood from its brand new Nippon Shoryu trains? Why don't you just jump off some high place you peasant?! Why are you dirt poor? Can't you wait for the casinos to open so you can get a job there?
You know, our Elites may just consider starting to milk this thing for what it's worth. You know the previous fuck who offed himself on the tracks? He was dirt poor when he lived and no one gave a damn. When he died, wellwishers collected a whopping $300,000 for his family. Well at least now the family have money to start paying off debts and things right? Wrong. They are now setting up a 'trust fund' to 'manage' the $300,000. Apparently so much money at the hands of a peasant woman (his wife) and children might cause them to mismanage it and squander it on silly things. They need the investment savvy of the Elites so that the money is not frivolously wasted. The Elites who spent $400,000 of taxpayer money in renaming Marina Bay as (wait for it!) MARINA BAY were unavailable for comment.
So in that vein, may I suggest an even better scheme to make some more money out of this thing (apart from taking away their funeral donations which might not go down well, PR wise)? The government should just designate a special 'suicide point' in one of the less crowded ('White Elephant') stations, and just run special 'suicide trains' for these people. They can pay normal MRT fares (65c at latest count, provided the suicide is done within 20 minutes or else got extra charges). What with the upcoming casinos, you are bound to see a surge in suicides, so in the true Singaporean spirit of making money out of everything, may I humbly suggest the designation of Buangkok station as the Official Suicide Station of Singapore. Buangkok is on the NEL, so being driverless, the government does not have to worry about silly things like squeamish peasants not willing to drive over the bodies of others, nor does it have to address issues of paying them more to undertake such a task. Besides, it's fucking Buangkok, THE white elephant. Singapore already has designated smoking points, and even designated whoring points (I know, it's creepy), so a designated 'suicide point' would allow Singapore to develop as the suicide hub of the region. What's more, the tourism industry can now cater to a new brand of tourist (instead of the current practice of sneaking a bag of marijuana in their luggage as they check through customs).
The government can in keeping with the spirit of giving a silly name to every small initiative taken, call it the "Jump Singapore!" campaign to start things off. They can even run promotions like a 25c rebate if you took the bus to get to the station, and make the jumpers pose for a smiling photograph which will be then given to the family/friends/ah loong/bill collectors upon payment of a small fee. They can also make it a felony offence to attempt suicide anywhere else but the designated suicide point. Offenders can be charged under the littering act and fined upto a thousand dollars, thus cementing Singapore's status as a 'Fine' Hub.
The best thing about this is if the trains are fast enough, there is very little left of the poor fuck to return to the family, and just think of the savings when all you got to bury/cremate is about a shoebox-full of stuff? I am sure the poor and needy who go for this option will appreciate this important consideration the World Class Government in Singapore gives them for such a low fare (only 65c if you use EZ Link, but 90c if you use cash.)
The money raised by this will be used to not turn off the water and power in the houses of the deceased, and to continue making Singapore the "Suicide HubPolis" of the region.
What can I say? I am a fucking genius.
Disclaimer: Look up irony, satire and sarcasm in the dictionary.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
And we have a nominee!
You know folks, I think I am fucking psychic. I barely sat down after announcing the Shitblog Awards and already there is someone out there who could have been a winner.
This person, I might add, is the daughter of a fucking Member of Parliament, no less. You remember Parliament, where the people's representatives, having received the mandate from the electorate to take decisions on their behalf meet to frame policies that ensure the continued upliftment of the people? Of course you don't. What you probably remember is a gang of elitist, corporate suck-up, choad smoking snobs with egos fragile as a Hollywood couple's marriage, finding new ways of enriching themselves with millions while the country goes to hell in a handbasket. But I digress...
Anyway, this fine example of the 'elite' in Singapore, Ms. Wee Shu Min has this to say about people who worry about things like unemployment, the dearth of jobs with a future, the fact that people cannot even depend on the government when the chips are down, the fact that the healthcare system here is a joke, and that the government for some odd reason thinks that bartop dancing will improve the economy and having a 'Romancing Singapore' month will somehow increase birth rates (more on this shitbag later):
mom's friend sent her some blog post by some bleeding stupid 40-year old singaporean called derek wee (WHY do all the idiots have my surname why?!) whining about how singapore is such an insecure place, how old ppl (ie, 40 and above) fear for their jobs, how the pool of foreign "talent" (dismissively chucked between inverted commas) is really a tsunami that will consume us all (no actually he didn't say that, he probably said Fouren Talern Bery Bad.), how the reason why no one wants kids is that they're a liability in this world of fragile ricebowls, how the government really needs to save us from inevitable doom but they aren't because they are stick-shoved-up-ass elites who have no idea how the world works, yadayadayadayada.
You know, this never fails to surprise me. Wouldn't you, if you were commenting on someone's command over the English language, ensure that your own English is at least up to par? Is that too much to expect? I don't know after all. I am a humble peasant and not versed in the doublespeak that passes for language in the hallowed halls of the high and mighty. Apparently she has forgotten that sentences should start with the first letter of the first word capitalised, it's 'people' and not 'ppl' (parts per litre), it's 'how the government... but they won't' and not 'aren't'. Well, I am sure there are more but I suppose I have made my point.
Anyway, this is the least of her sins. Read on. She says:
i am inclined - too much, perhaps - to dismiss such people as crackpots. stupid crackpots. the sadder class. too often singaporeans - both the neighborhood poor and the red-taloned socialites - kid themselves into believing that our society, like most others, is compartmentalized by breeding. ridiculous. we are a tyranny of the capable and the clever, and the only other class is the complement.
You know, that one last line says it all. 'We are a tyranny of the capable and the clever'. This little girl is too young to remember the breeding programmes started by Lee the Father, in which graduate women were given incentives to breed more while non graduate mothers were encouraged NOT to breed. This is forgivable. She then goes on to say that her kind (the rulers) are rulers because they are 'capable and clever'. Therefore, they have a birthright to rule. This is not forgivable, especially since, or rather despite the fact that, she comes from Raffles Junior College. This twit fails to understand, intentionally perhaps, that Singaporean leaders are not all that capable, nor are they very clever. The prime minister gets the heebie jeebies every time he steps up to a mike and speaks like a retarded ape with the stutters. The Minister Mentor (the first time a democracy has a post like that) without fail ensures that Singaporeans look like complete fucktards in front of other nations. Education policies here are determined by people with no background in education. There is a virtually non-existent foreign policy (which can be summed up with one line: Say yes to whatever America is doing). The legal systems make those in banana republics appear fair in comparison, the housing policy, the one true success attributable to good vision, has virtually decimated the retirement savings of a majority of the populace thanks to the government becoming a Slum Baron. The government has succeeded in alienating its neighbours (again attributable to a certain leader's inability to keep his mouth shut), its population is stagnating, increasingly the government has been funding howlers in an effort to boost an economy it has micromanaged to near extinction (Biopolis? Life science hub? Shuzhou? Casinos? Shin Corp?), health care is now a disaster (you wait three months to pay $200 to have a specialist see you for five minutes) oh come on this is too easy.
But then again, Ms. Wee has to find some way of rationalising the tyranny, so she calls it 'capable and clever' when in fact 'clueless and clotheaded' sound more appropriate. Maybe it's the same attitude that got Marie 'let them eat cake' Antoinette her head chopped off. Sigh, if only... If only...
She then goes on, from her high and mighty throne to dispense knowledge to the rest of us 'masses'. Same shit, different crapper.
Now I am not going to put the whole damn entry up and it's probably not worth recapping every bit of that shitfest so I'll just post some salient points here.
She says:
i should think not. dear derek is one of many wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world.
You know, that one line itself is enough to have her and her family up against a wall with rifles pointed in their general direction. Singaporeans are amongst the hardest working people in the fucking world, and they get very little in return. It was not Lee the Father who built Singapore, "Singapore Story" notwithstanding, but it was every Singaporean who with a willingness to work his ass off for a future he could bring kids to that did it. But apparently Ms. Wee is angry at the fact that now the Singaporean is demanding his due. Apparently demanding decent living conditions constitutes being a leech. Oh how dare he!
Ms. Wee ought to know as well, that her education is funded by the taxpayer. Her father is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to warm the back benches of parliament and occasionally reach down to scratch his vestigial balls. Who's the leech now, bitch?
Her measure of successful government is as follows:
is dear derek starving? has dear derek been denied an education? has dear derek been forced into child prostitution? has dear derek had his clan massacred by the government?
You heard it folks. You haven't been killed (yet) right? So shut the fuck up! And carry on eating dirt like the peasants you are! How dare you demand a level playing field? How dare you insist on fair wages? How dare you insist on unemployment insurance? Don't you know that you only have the right to work and shut up? How dare you complain?!
She wonders why the poor sod she's talking about shares her surname. She goes on to say that only idiots share her surname. Apparently the poor girl hasn't heard of the ills of inbreeding. If you don't believe me, look at her and her siblings. Not a very deep genepool there, folks.
This person, I might add, is the daughter of a fucking Member of Parliament, no less. You remember Parliament, where the people's representatives, having received the mandate from the electorate to take decisions on their behalf meet to frame policies that ensure the continued upliftment of the people? Of course you don't. What you probably remember is a gang of elitist, corporate suck-up, choad smoking snobs with egos fragile as a Hollywood couple's marriage, finding new ways of enriching themselves with millions while the country goes to hell in a handbasket. But I digress...
Anyway, this fine example of the 'elite' in Singapore, Ms. Wee Shu Min has this to say about people who worry about things like unemployment, the dearth of jobs with a future, the fact that people cannot even depend on the government when the chips are down, the fact that the healthcare system here is a joke, and that the government for some odd reason thinks that bartop dancing will improve the economy and having a 'Romancing Singapore' month will somehow increase birth rates (more on this shitbag later):
mom's friend sent her some blog post by some bleeding stupid 40-year old singaporean called derek wee (WHY do all the idiots have my surname why?!) whining about how singapore is such an insecure place, how old ppl (ie, 40 and above) fear for their jobs, how the pool of foreign "talent" (dismissively chucked between inverted commas) is really a tsunami that will consume us all (no actually he didn't say that, he probably said Fouren Talern Bery Bad.), how the reason why no one wants kids is that they're a liability in this world of fragile ricebowls, how the government really needs to save us from inevitable doom but they aren't because they are stick-shoved-up-ass elites who have no idea how the world works, yadayadayadayada.
You know, this never fails to surprise me. Wouldn't you, if you were commenting on someone's command over the English language, ensure that your own English is at least up to par? Is that too much to expect? I don't know after all. I am a humble peasant and not versed in the doublespeak that passes for language in the hallowed halls of the high and mighty. Apparently she has forgotten that sentences should start with the first letter of the first word capitalised, it's 'people' and not 'ppl' (parts per litre), it's 'how the government... but they won't' and not 'aren't'. Well, I am sure there are more but I suppose I have made my point.
Anyway, this is the least of her sins. Read on. She says:
i am inclined - too much, perhaps - to dismiss such people as crackpots. stupid crackpots. the sadder class. too often singaporeans - both the neighborhood poor and the red-taloned socialites - kid themselves into believing that our society, like most others, is compartmentalized by breeding. ridiculous. we are a tyranny of the capable and the clever, and the only other class is the complement.
You know, that one last line says it all. 'We are a tyranny of the capable and the clever'. This little girl is too young to remember the breeding programmes started by Lee the Father, in which graduate women were given incentives to breed more while non graduate mothers were encouraged NOT to breed. This is forgivable. She then goes on to say that her kind (the rulers) are rulers because they are 'capable and clever'. Therefore, they have a birthright to rule. This is not forgivable, especially since, or rather despite the fact that, she comes from Raffles Junior College. This twit fails to understand, intentionally perhaps, that Singaporean leaders are not all that capable, nor are they very clever. The prime minister gets the heebie jeebies every time he steps up to a mike and speaks like a retarded ape with the stutters. The Minister Mentor (the first time a democracy has a post like that) without fail ensures that Singaporeans look like complete fucktards in front of other nations. Education policies here are determined by people with no background in education. There is a virtually non-existent foreign policy (which can be summed up with one line: Say yes to whatever America is doing). The legal systems make those in banana republics appear fair in comparison, the housing policy, the one true success attributable to good vision, has virtually decimated the retirement savings of a majority of the populace thanks to the government becoming a Slum Baron. The government has succeeded in alienating its neighbours (again attributable to a certain leader's inability to keep his mouth shut), its population is stagnating, increasingly the government has been funding howlers in an effort to boost an economy it has micromanaged to near extinction (Biopolis? Life science hub? Shuzhou? Casinos? Shin Corp?), health care is now a disaster (you wait three months to pay $200 to have a specialist see you for five minutes) oh come on this is too easy.
But then again, Ms. Wee has to find some way of rationalising the tyranny, so she calls it 'capable and clever' when in fact 'clueless and clotheaded' sound more appropriate. Maybe it's the same attitude that got Marie 'let them eat cake' Antoinette her head chopped off. Sigh, if only... If only...
She then goes on, from her high and mighty throne to dispense knowledge to the rest of us 'masses'. Same shit, different crapper.
Now I am not going to put the whole damn entry up and it's probably not worth recapping every bit of that shitfest so I'll just post some salient points here.
She says:
i should think not. dear derek is one of many wretched, undermotivated, overassuming leeches in our country, and in this world.
You know, that one line itself is enough to have her and her family up against a wall with rifles pointed in their general direction. Singaporeans are amongst the hardest working people in the fucking world, and they get very little in return. It was not Lee the Father who built Singapore, "Singapore Story" notwithstanding, but it was every Singaporean who with a willingness to work his ass off for a future he could bring kids to that did it. But apparently Ms. Wee is angry at the fact that now the Singaporean is demanding his due. Apparently demanding decent living conditions constitutes being a leech. Oh how dare he!
Ms. Wee ought to know as well, that her education is funded by the taxpayer. Her father is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to warm the back benches of parliament and occasionally reach down to scratch his vestigial balls. Who's the leech now, bitch?
Her measure of successful government is as follows:
is dear derek starving? has dear derek been denied an education? has dear derek been forced into child prostitution? has dear derek had his clan massacred by the government?
You heard it folks. You haven't been killed (yet) right? So shut the fuck up! And carry on eating dirt like the peasants you are! How dare you demand a level playing field? How dare you insist on fair wages? How dare you insist on unemployment insurance? Don't you know that you only have the right to work and shut up? How dare you complain?!
She wonders why the poor sod she's talking about shares her surname. She goes on to say that only idiots share her surname. Apparently the poor girl hasn't heard of the ills of inbreeding. If you don't believe me, look at her and her siblings. Not a very deep genepool there, folks.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Shitblog Awards - A Brief History
Folks,
For those of you who have been reading the Evil Atheist only recently, here is a short history of the Shitblog Awards.
The Shitblog Awards were started in 2004 with an express purpose of pissing a few people off. The first Shitblog award was targetted at female bloggers who for some odd reason saw it fit to tell us about every tiny detail of their lives, regardless of whether you gave a shit whether they lived or they died. Now normally I would just look at them with an indulgent eye and comment a bit on the general stupidity of it all, but I decided to take it a step further. This was helped by the fact that a friend suggested a couple of blogs that just screamed 'I am an attention hungry pseudo-angsty, rich cunt who thinks that my pathetic little problems are of any importance to anyone else but me'.
How could I resist? And the Shitblog Awards was born. The idea was to put up a collection of some of the worst blogs I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. It started off with annoying female bloggers in 2004, and resulted in the winner threatening to report my site to the police. Not a bad start eh? Furthermore, both the winner and the runnerup took their sites off general circulation, thus sparing the rest of the world their pernicious influence.
Last year featured the first male entry (who has since put a password onto his site thus ensuring that the general public is safe from his vapid outpourings) and also the first non-Singaporean entry (which simply has to be seen to be believed). The winner and a couple of the runners-up have taken their site off.
As you can see, there are millions of blogs (50 million at the last count) and three or four is a mere drop in the ocean. But it's better than nothing and who knows? Maybe in the coming years, the fear of being nominated for a Shitblog just might dissuade some of these self-important fucksticks from flooding the web with their mindless drivel. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.
Of course since I don't go about looking for this stuff, I request that you all send me some blogs for me to consider. To make it more interesting, preferably recommend one or two of people you know but simply can't stand. I have already received one such nomination and am hoping for many more.
For those of you who have been reading the Evil Atheist only recently, here is a short history of the Shitblog Awards.
The Shitblog Awards were started in 2004 with an express purpose of pissing a few people off. The first Shitblog award was targetted at female bloggers who for some odd reason saw it fit to tell us about every tiny detail of their lives, regardless of whether you gave a shit whether they lived or they died. Now normally I would just look at them with an indulgent eye and comment a bit on the general stupidity of it all, but I decided to take it a step further. This was helped by the fact that a friend suggested a couple of blogs that just screamed 'I am an attention hungry pseudo-angsty, rich cunt who thinks that my pathetic little problems are of any importance to anyone else but me'.
How could I resist? And the Shitblog Awards was born. The idea was to put up a collection of some of the worst blogs I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. It started off with annoying female bloggers in 2004, and resulted in the winner threatening to report my site to the police. Not a bad start eh? Furthermore, both the winner and the runnerup took their sites off general circulation, thus sparing the rest of the world their pernicious influence.
Last year featured the first male entry (who has since put a password onto his site thus ensuring that the general public is safe from his vapid outpourings) and also the first non-Singaporean entry (which simply has to be seen to be believed). The winner and a couple of the runners-up have taken their site off.
As you can see, there are millions of blogs (50 million at the last count) and three or four is a mere drop in the ocean. But it's better than nothing and who knows? Maybe in the coming years, the fear of being nominated for a Shitblog just might dissuade some of these self-important fucksticks from flooding the web with their mindless drivel. Who knows? Stranger things have happened.
Of course since I don't go about looking for this stuff, I request that you all send me some blogs for me to consider. To make it more interesting, preferably recommend one or two of people you know but simply can't stand. I have already received one such nomination and am hoping for many more.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The Shitblog Awards 2007 - Nominations now Open
I hate most blogs I see and the only thing I hate more than the blogs themselves are the self-important bloggers who think that just because they breathe, it gives every little event of their lives a level of significance normally attributed to major socio-political events.
I am of the firm belief that blogs, along with SMS technology and television together contribute to the ongoing stupidity of the human race, preventing us from making great inroads into the realms of the unknown. Face it, every second wasted on any of these activities, mentioning objects inserted into sensitive orifices and what was eaten that day for breakfast is a second lost forever. A second that could be used to realize how badly we are being fleeced by the powers that be, a second that could be hell, used to make cutting remarks about how some people think that they are fucking philosophers just because they know how to use the word 'metaphysics'.
So with that preamble, I would like to announce that the “Shitblog Awards 2007” which I started two years ago would carry on this year as well. Last year's Shitblog awards was responsible for the closure of at least three such blogs and this year we hope to carry on the tradition.
The Shitblog, for the newcomers, is the king/queen of all the worst blogs submitted. Words fail to describe the sucktitude of this blog and our only hope is a premature death and/or vital injury to the reproductive organs will prevent the spread of this cancer.
(For those who are the relics of my previous site with the same name, you might recall I did a bit on the “Shitblog awards” with some rather interesting results, including lawsuit threats.)
Nominations are open from today till December. Conditions (Apart from the fact that they must be blogs):
They must truly suck, not just be mediocre and banal (like xiaxue). Please do NOT recommend me blogs like xiaxue or metresexual-me. I want blogs that truly make you want to stick pencils in your ears and/or stab your eyes out. Like this one. Besides, do you want to give these bitches any more traffic than they are already getting?
The language must make you wonder if their originators were born due to an unfortunate accident involving a retarded ape and a drunk iguana, like this one.
The site must be filled with glitzy knickknacks that scream “I am a peptobismol pink bubblegum bitch” or “I am an annoying teenager who has crazy delusions that my current studliness will compensate for my obvious lack of intellect and simian ancestry”.
The site must fill you with a sense of dread, that these people may, given the right conditions, occupy powerful positions in industry or politics.
The blog must be reasonably current, and not something more than two years old. This is because people do change over time and after all, Mike is all forgiving, and is willing to overlook transgressions made by individuals in the past in terms of assault on language and logical thought. It would be even funnier if it is from someone you know and really despise.
That is all I ask of you. Nominate a blog of someone you don't like, or someone whom you think deserves an occasional kick in the nuts, and yours truly will deliver a bag of shit to his/her mailbox.
There will be one winner, two runners up and one or two honourable mentions, depending on how many entries I get.
That's all folks. Go on and search. Results would be out in January. You can view last year's winners here.
Most of those blogs have closed down since, so you are doing a great public service.
I am of the firm belief that blogs, along with SMS technology and television together contribute to the ongoing stupidity of the human race, preventing us from making great inroads into the realms of the unknown. Face it, every second wasted on any of these activities, mentioning objects inserted into sensitive orifices and what was eaten that day for breakfast is a second lost forever. A second that could be used to realize how badly we are being fleeced by the powers that be, a second that could be hell, used to make cutting remarks about how some people think that they are fucking philosophers just because they know how to use the word 'metaphysics'.
So with that preamble, I would like to announce that the “Shitblog Awards 2007” which I started two years ago would carry on this year as well. Last year's Shitblog awards was responsible for the closure of at least three such blogs and this year we hope to carry on the tradition.
The Shitblog, for the newcomers, is the king/queen of all the worst blogs submitted. Words fail to describe the sucktitude of this blog and our only hope is a premature death and/or vital injury to the reproductive organs will prevent the spread of this cancer.
(For those who are the relics of my previous site with the same name, you might recall I did a bit on the “Shitblog awards” with some rather interesting results, including lawsuit threats.)
Nominations are open from today till December. Conditions (Apart from the fact that they must be blogs):
They must truly suck, not just be mediocre and banal (like xiaxue). Please do NOT recommend me blogs like xiaxue or metresexual-me. I want blogs that truly make you want to stick pencils in your ears and/or stab your eyes out. Like this one. Besides, do you want to give these bitches any more traffic than they are already getting?
The language must make you wonder if their originators were born due to an unfortunate accident involving a retarded ape and a drunk iguana, like this one.
The site must be filled with glitzy knickknacks that scream “I am a peptobismol pink bubblegum bitch” or “I am an annoying teenager who has crazy delusions that my current studliness will compensate for my obvious lack of intellect and simian ancestry”.
The site must fill you with a sense of dread, that these people may, given the right conditions, occupy powerful positions in industry or politics.
The blog must be reasonably current, and not something more than two years old. This is because people do change over time and after all, Mike is all forgiving, and is willing to overlook transgressions made by individuals in the past in terms of assault on language and logical thought. It would be even funnier if it is from someone you know and really despise.
That is all I ask of you. Nominate a blog of someone you don't like, or someone whom you think deserves an occasional kick in the nuts, and yours truly will deliver a bag of shit to his/her mailbox.
There will be one winner, two runners up and one or two honourable mentions, depending on how many entries I get.
That's all folks. Go on and search. Results would be out in January. You can view last year's winners here.
Most of those blogs have closed down since, so you are doing a great public service.
The Book of Revealing
For those who are tired of the Thees and Thous, this is in normal english
Chapter 1: On Mike
1. And Mike did rejoice as he saw his book being brought together.
2. 'It's not long, and it's not boring. It's short and snappy and to the point. It does bring great pleasure to me', said Mike.
3. And Hades was pleased.
4. But, Mike remarked, 'It lacks a good ending and that is what you're going to write about'.
5. And Hades sat back to finish up what was the work of great men since the dawn of time.
6. This is the final book on the Wholly Babble, because Mike hates repeating himself, and frankly the world is not all that complicated. Besides, it's time for the Annual Shitblog Awards nominations and Mike thinks that we should prepare adequately for it. This time Mike shall be one of the judges.
7. This last chapter in Mike's awesome, earthshattering work read by a full 1500 people (in total), shall not deal with a future utopia because there isn't any. Eventually everyone will die and the earth will be destroyed when the Sun goes out. End of story.
8. Hell, you should know by now that Mike does not believe in bullshitting you.
9. So in summation, let it be known that Mike does not give a shit whether you believe in him or not. There is no sense in giving money to anyone who claims to know God, because Mike has always been known to everyone through his creation.
10. Mike does not hate you, he does not really love you extra special because you believe in some invisible man in the sky. Frankly he doesn't give a shit.
11. Mike is allergic to prayers.
Chapter 2: On the future
1. The future is what you make of it, but remember that eventually your race will become extinct.
2. The best you can do is prolong your time here, and certainly nuclear weapons are not the way to go about it.
3. Mike made you with abilities to colonise earth and space, so use them. The universe is far beyond anything yoru forefathers ever imagined, and Mike made it that way. No creation story comes close to what actually happened.
4. So go forth, make peace with your fellow man and most importantly, leave them the fuck alone.
5. This is after all the greatest commandment.
THE END
Hades sat back in his chair and looked at Mike.
'Do you think it'll work?'
Mike looked doubtful.
'I hope so. This is after all, mankind's last chance. There are going to be no more saviours, and too many fingers are itching over red buttons that launch nukes. Maybe it's all for the best if the world annihilates itself. At least then I can start afresh and drop the whole idea of sentient beings populating any planet.
Now you can't say I didn't give it a shot.'
Hades patted Mike on the shoulder. Now, let's put this behind us and focus on the great challenge ahead, choosing the Shitblog Awards Winner of 2006.
And hand in hand, they walked back into the computer lab.
Chapter 1: On Mike
1. And Mike did rejoice as he saw his book being brought together.
2. 'It's not long, and it's not boring. It's short and snappy and to the point. It does bring great pleasure to me', said Mike.
3. And Hades was pleased.
4. But, Mike remarked, 'It lacks a good ending and that is what you're going to write about'.
5. And Hades sat back to finish up what was the work of great men since the dawn of time.
6. This is the final book on the Wholly Babble, because Mike hates repeating himself, and frankly the world is not all that complicated. Besides, it's time for the Annual Shitblog Awards nominations and Mike thinks that we should prepare adequately for it. This time Mike shall be one of the judges.
7. This last chapter in Mike's awesome, earthshattering work read by a full 1500 people (in total), shall not deal with a future utopia because there isn't any. Eventually everyone will die and the earth will be destroyed when the Sun goes out. End of story.
8. Hell, you should know by now that Mike does not believe in bullshitting you.
9. So in summation, let it be known that Mike does not give a shit whether you believe in him or not. There is no sense in giving money to anyone who claims to know God, because Mike has always been known to everyone through his creation.
10. Mike does not hate you, he does not really love you extra special because you believe in some invisible man in the sky. Frankly he doesn't give a shit.
11. Mike is allergic to prayers.
Chapter 2: On the future
1. The future is what you make of it, but remember that eventually your race will become extinct.
2. The best you can do is prolong your time here, and certainly nuclear weapons are not the way to go about it.
3. Mike made you with abilities to colonise earth and space, so use them. The universe is far beyond anything yoru forefathers ever imagined, and Mike made it that way. No creation story comes close to what actually happened.
4. So go forth, make peace with your fellow man and most importantly, leave them the fuck alone.
5. This is after all the greatest commandment.
THE END
Hades sat back in his chair and looked at Mike.
'Do you think it'll work?'
Mike looked doubtful.
'I hope so. This is after all, mankind's last chance. There are going to be no more saviours, and too many fingers are itching over red buttons that launch nukes. Maybe it's all for the best if the world annihilates itself. At least then I can start afresh and drop the whole idea of sentient beings populating any planet.
Now you can't say I didn't give it a shot.'
Hades patted Mike on the shoulder. Now, let's put this behind us and focus on the great challenge ahead, choosing the Shitblog Awards Winner of 2006.
And hand in hand, they walked back into the computer lab.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Second Letter of St. Hades to the Dumbfucks
1. This is the second letter of Hades, to the dumbfucks.
2. Hades, guided by the love of Mike speaketh gently to thee, who insist on being Mike's soldiers but doth have no fucking clue about anything.
3. So shut the fuck up and listen to the gentle words of Hades for he doth speak very slowly so even thy tiny brains can grasp what he doth sayeth.
4. Thou doth realise, don't thou, that thine words do have power, and thou havest done Mike grave injustice by using them to spread nothing but bigotry and ignorance. Thou art indeed cursed for whatever thou sayest is corrupted, and thou doth make Mike sick as fuck to hear thee spout such vile horseshit like 'God hates fags'.
5. Fuck thee. For Mike certainly doth NOT hate anyone.
6. Even thou who doth go about and show thine ass to the world in his name.
7. While thou sitteth on thine ass on thy LaZ Boys and spend all of God given day watching some fucking insipid football game, they whom thou calleth 'fags' actually go out and enjoy my gift of nature to them by working out, running and generally having a good time.
8. Thou sitteth thine ass all the time in front of the tube and doth eat piles of chicken wings and beef jerky and thou doth grow big as a fucking house, and thou haveth disgusting table manners even Mike findeth repulsive.
9. But behold, how well manicured they are! Truly they doth know the benefits of showering and not smelling like three day old rancid dog turds.
10. And verily are they intelligent and smart, and unlike thine ignorant ass, can recognise more than sixteen colours.
11. And thou doth burn with envy, and it burns thine ass that they are real men, while thou art but a sad pathetic waste of protoplasm whose only function in life is to turn beer to piss.
12. And since thou art married to a fucked up docile cow as screwed in the head as thou art, thou canst only take out thine frustration on them because they art happy with their mates, while thou haveth to put up with thine woman's oversized butt and thy inbred spawn doth drive thee insane.
13. And thou doth take it out on them, calling them names and indeed behaving like an all-round fuckstick.
14. Verily Mike doth command you to leave them the fuck alone, and thou needeth not be so fucking insecure for thou haveth a small member, thine woman doth find it suitable for her needs.
15. And they do not want your kids to be like them, for indeed thine kids are a fruit of thine own fucked up genes and no sane human being would want them for anything apart from using their heads to crack open hard objects.
16. For thou doth breedeth like there is no tomorrow. Thou cannot handle a real woman and thou doth rut with women with IQ's of the bean of the garbanzo variety.
17. For verily, thou indeed doth deserve a fat, spittle lipped cow because only then canst thou exercise thine supremacy over them.
19. Thou Fool! Doth thou think that thou really art superior to woman? Thou art given certain gifts like superior strength and an analytical, rational brain, but if thou doth think for one second that that somehow giveth thee the right to think thou art superior, then indeed thou shalt get a whiny, insecure bitch as thine wife. And she shalt indeed lay with thee every night and bear thee hundreds of waterheaded spawn, and thou shalt indeed offer them to thine god, Satan.
20. And thou shalt indeed commit adultery and get thine ass divorced multiple times, all the while lamenting that it's the gays who are 'threatening marriage'
21. For thine brain hath indeed lost its function to think, and thou doth leave the thinking to thine shaman who doth fill thine mind with such lies and untruths whispered into his ear by the Deceiver.
22. For Mike certainly doth not put man at the head of the house and in fact would rather have woman lead thine ignorant ass around.
23. For thou art too stupid to walk about unsupervised.
Chapter 2.
1. And the lesbians shalt thou leave alone.
2. Verily thou dost not understand, 'it is none of thy business what a man or a woman chooseth to do with his or her body.
3. Thine brains are incapable of understanding that Mike did give thee the ability to think so thou shalt indeed have freedom to make choices.
4. So thou doth rebel against anyone who doth not conform to thine fucked, tiny walled world view that thine shaman drills into thee every Sunday when thou goeth to his vile place of worship.
5. For verily doth not find a confident, mature woman fearsome? Doth thou not find solace in the fact that thine woman is an insecure, spittle-lipped cow who doth think her only purpose on earth is to produce waterheaded offspring for thee?
6. And indeed thou doth realise that thou art not as good as thou thought and that thine prowesses with the drill of power and the stepping ladder art but overrated and thine staff is indeed unreliable in bed.
7. Thou shalt not harass women for wanting to be with other women, for verily who understandeth women but women? Even Mike can't figure them out for fuck's sake. But Mike can certainly figure out why after meeting thee, women rather be with women, for thine habits are disgusting and thou doth want to control women while having no idea what maketh them tick.
8. Doth not the sight of a strong, successful woman fill thee with dread? Verily thou dost realise that anything thou canst do, the woman can as well and often, better.
9. If muff diving is indeed their pastime, then thou shalt not call them all sorts of vile names to hide thine insecurities.
10. For indeed, they art not going to be sent to hell, for Mike doth love his creation.
11. Especially two willing women willing to do the dirty with each other.
12. For the acts of willing individuals doth please Mike, and he doth think that thou art indeed a hole of an ass if thou thinketh that thy holier than thou attitude winneth any favours with Mike.
13. Mike indeed doth wish you leave these people alone.
Chapter 3
1. So shut the fuck up and quit picketing gay organisations.
2. Did not Jesus say, 'judge not, lest ye be judged?"
3. And if thou truly doth love Jesus, thou shalt listen to him and not thy shaman.
4. And remember, that if thou doth love Jesus, thou art indeed, a little bit gay.
5. For verily did not Jesus ask thee to take his body and put it in thy mouth and did thou not obey him every Sunday?
6. And how doth thou explain the fact that Jesus did renounce his family for twelve burly men who thought him a god? (TM thewaronfaith.com)
7. If for one second thou thinketh that Mike condoneth hypocrisy, thou haveth another thing coming.
8. Remember thou that Mike doth think that there are too many of thee, and if thou insisteth on killing abortion doctors and saving the unborn then why the fuck doth thou not support gays and lesbians? For verily, they are the last people to have abortions.
9. See fool? How thine hypocrisy is laid bare for everyone to see with such ease?
10. If thou doth persist in such fuckstickery, thou shalt win brownie points with thy blood god, but Mike shalt cast thee away from him, for thou knew him not, and thou doth not love thine fellow man, or woman.
11. And thine blood-god shalt indeed rejoice for he has many more acolytes to do his bidding, and he shalt indeed torture thee for sport.
12. And thou shalt deserve it for thou art a fucked up piece of shit.
2. Hades, guided by the love of Mike speaketh gently to thee, who insist on being Mike's soldiers but doth have no fucking clue about anything.
3. So shut the fuck up and listen to the gentle words of Hades for he doth speak very slowly so even thy tiny brains can grasp what he doth sayeth.
4. Thou doth realise, don't thou, that thine words do have power, and thou havest done Mike grave injustice by using them to spread nothing but bigotry and ignorance. Thou art indeed cursed for whatever thou sayest is corrupted, and thou doth make Mike sick as fuck to hear thee spout such vile horseshit like 'God hates fags'.
5. Fuck thee. For Mike certainly doth NOT hate anyone.
6. Even thou who doth go about and show thine ass to the world in his name.
7. While thou sitteth on thine ass on thy LaZ Boys and spend all of God given day watching some fucking insipid football game, they whom thou calleth 'fags' actually go out and enjoy my gift of nature to them by working out, running and generally having a good time.
8. Thou sitteth thine ass all the time in front of the tube and doth eat piles of chicken wings and beef jerky and thou doth grow big as a fucking house, and thou haveth disgusting table manners even Mike findeth repulsive.
9. But behold, how well manicured they are! Truly they doth know the benefits of showering and not smelling like three day old rancid dog turds.
10. And verily are they intelligent and smart, and unlike thine ignorant ass, can recognise more than sixteen colours.
11. And thou doth burn with envy, and it burns thine ass that they are real men, while thou art but a sad pathetic waste of protoplasm whose only function in life is to turn beer to piss.
12. And since thou art married to a fucked up docile cow as screwed in the head as thou art, thou canst only take out thine frustration on them because they art happy with their mates, while thou haveth to put up with thine woman's oversized butt and thy inbred spawn doth drive thee insane.
13. And thou doth take it out on them, calling them names and indeed behaving like an all-round fuckstick.
14. Verily Mike doth command you to leave them the fuck alone, and thou needeth not be so fucking insecure for thou haveth a small member, thine woman doth find it suitable for her needs.
15. And they do not want your kids to be like them, for indeed thine kids are a fruit of thine own fucked up genes and no sane human being would want them for anything apart from using their heads to crack open hard objects.
16. For thou doth breedeth like there is no tomorrow. Thou cannot handle a real woman and thou doth rut with women with IQ's of the bean of the garbanzo variety.
17. For verily, thou indeed doth deserve a fat, spittle lipped cow because only then canst thou exercise thine supremacy over them.
19. Thou Fool! Doth thou think that thou really art superior to woman? Thou art given certain gifts like superior strength and an analytical, rational brain, but if thou doth think for one second that that somehow giveth thee the right to think thou art superior, then indeed thou shalt get a whiny, insecure bitch as thine wife. And she shalt indeed lay with thee every night and bear thee hundreds of waterheaded spawn, and thou shalt indeed offer them to thine god, Satan.
20. And thou shalt indeed commit adultery and get thine ass divorced multiple times, all the while lamenting that it's the gays who are 'threatening marriage'
21. For thine brain hath indeed lost its function to think, and thou doth leave the thinking to thine shaman who doth fill thine mind with such lies and untruths whispered into his ear by the Deceiver.
22. For Mike certainly doth not put man at the head of the house and in fact would rather have woman lead thine ignorant ass around.
23. For thou art too stupid to walk about unsupervised.
Chapter 2.
1. And the lesbians shalt thou leave alone.
2. Verily thou dost not understand, 'it is none of thy business what a man or a woman chooseth to do with his or her body.
3. Thine brains are incapable of understanding that Mike did give thee the ability to think so thou shalt indeed have freedom to make choices.
4. So thou doth rebel against anyone who doth not conform to thine fucked, tiny walled world view that thine shaman drills into thee every Sunday when thou goeth to his vile place of worship.
5. For verily doth not find a confident, mature woman fearsome? Doth thou not find solace in the fact that thine woman is an insecure, spittle-lipped cow who doth think her only purpose on earth is to produce waterheaded offspring for thee?
6. And indeed thou doth realise that thou art not as good as thou thought and that thine prowesses with the drill of power and the stepping ladder art but overrated and thine staff is indeed unreliable in bed.
7. Thou shalt not harass women for wanting to be with other women, for verily who understandeth women but women? Even Mike can't figure them out for fuck's sake. But Mike can certainly figure out why after meeting thee, women rather be with women, for thine habits are disgusting and thou doth want to control women while having no idea what maketh them tick.
8. Doth not the sight of a strong, successful woman fill thee with dread? Verily thou dost realise that anything thou canst do, the woman can as well and often, better.
9. If muff diving is indeed their pastime, then thou shalt not call them all sorts of vile names to hide thine insecurities.
10. For indeed, they art not going to be sent to hell, for Mike doth love his creation.
11. Especially two willing women willing to do the dirty with each other.
12. For the acts of willing individuals doth please Mike, and he doth think that thou art indeed a hole of an ass if thou thinketh that thy holier than thou attitude winneth any favours with Mike.
13. Mike indeed doth wish you leave these people alone.
Chapter 3
1. So shut the fuck up and quit picketing gay organisations.
2. Did not Jesus say, 'judge not, lest ye be judged?"
3. And if thou truly doth love Jesus, thou shalt listen to him and not thy shaman.
4. And remember, that if thou doth love Jesus, thou art indeed, a little bit gay.
5. For verily did not Jesus ask thee to take his body and put it in thy mouth and did thou not obey him every Sunday?
6. And how doth thou explain the fact that Jesus did renounce his family for twelve burly men who thought him a god? (TM thewaronfaith.com)
7. If for one second thou thinketh that Mike condoneth hypocrisy, thou haveth another thing coming.
8. Remember thou that Mike doth think that there are too many of thee, and if thou insisteth on killing abortion doctors and saving the unborn then why the fuck doth thou not support gays and lesbians? For verily, they are the last people to have abortions.
9. See fool? How thine hypocrisy is laid bare for everyone to see with such ease?
10. If thou doth persist in such fuckstickery, thou shalt win brownie points with thy blood god, but Mike shalt cast thee away from him, for thou knew him not, and thou doth not love thine fellow man, or woman.
11. And thine blood-god shalt indeed rejoice for he has many more acolytes to do his bidding, and he shalt indeed torture thee for sport.
12. And thou shalt deserve it for thou art a fucked up piece of shit.
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